Moving Forward

Living a better story.

2010-07-22T21:16:00.005-05:00

Living a better story. This is something that instantly caught my attention. As a single, nearly 24 year old female, a war wages within me. Two options: settle down or seek adventure. Adventure has always been a part of me. I often desire to learn a new language, climb a large mountain, or jump out of a plane. More than any of those things, though, I want to move to Africa. Jesus came to give us life to the full! So many times in my life, I’ve been overwhelmed with this sense that I was made for something bigger. A few years ago, I watched the movie, Hotel Rwanda. It has quite the intense story line, let me tell you. The one piece that really got me was this woman working for the Red Cross in the midst of all the genocide and conflict. She went back and forth through the thick of the massacre, put herself in the line of fire, and brought the orphan kids she cared for to safety. Something came over me and I remember saying out loud, “I could do that.” Since then, the thought hasn’t let me go. After a short visit to the West African country of Ghana, I realized more than ever that I had a passion for the people there, especially the AIDS orphans.

Some days, every fiber of my being wants to get on a plane with a duffel bag and not look back. I imagine myself, this tall, blond-haired, blue-eyed girl, getting off a plane that has outside stairs. The African air smells hot and dusty. I arrive at an empty building that is soon to be filled with children. I will offer them food, shelter, and Jesus. A little girl enters with big brown eyes and a hungry tummy, no shoes, and without family. I hold her close and praise God for His provision for her. One by one the rooms become filled and I am the proud mother of so many who don’t have my nose, eyes, or hair color. I get to love them, teach them to read and write, show them how to care for one another, and introduce them to the Savior that will never leave nor forsake them. A story like that is beautiful, big, and full of adventure! I want it to be mine.

So what’s keeping me here? The same thing that keeps aspiring musicians from ditching their restaurant jobs to go full force into recording and touring. It’s the same thing that keeps people going back to their job everyday when they've been burnt out for years. It’s the same thing that makes a person in their mid to late 20’s ask out anyone they come into contact with. Security. Comfortability. To be what we should and fit the mold. We get tricked into thinking that those are far better than the unknown.

I have fallen victim to chasing after dreams less wild. After all, who knows what’s beyond the wall around our comfort zones? Living in Africa could mean living amidst political unrest, calling a ratty cot and cement floor home, being far away from family and friends, or facing a life of singleness. It could mean weeks on end without rest from being a caretaker, being out of my culture and language, and carrying the heartbreaking stories of these children with wounded hearts. These possibilities make me unnerved and war against my innate need for adventure. I fear life outside that wall. The Living a Better Story Seminar could be just what I need to fan that flame within and be about something bigger. It could be the push for me to take that first leap of faith. Not only could it help me step outside my walls and into a better story, but give lots of children the opportunity to have a better story of their own.

So many things lie beyond our comfort zones. We must decide that the act of venturing outside our walls is more important that the fears we might face on our journey. There will be challenges and trying times, but the key is to never stop pushing those walls. Because there’s something else that lies outside of my comfort zone. A better story.

Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.

It's been 4 years. Glad you're home.

2010-07-19T08:04:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it's already been 4 years. Four years ago today, my good friend, Nathan, went home to be with Jesus. Every summer without fail, it's like I relive the event, but each time it gets a bit easier. It's still hard to miss a friend and to live with not understanding what God is doing through all of that, but t gets easier to rejoice that my dear friend is home.

Here is an article where his pastor told of what a great man of God he was just after his accident.

My favorite part is the last quote by Rev. Finley.

"There'll be a lot of questions over the next couple days of why, why. But we believe in the sovereignty of God. Nathan's in a better place now."

We do, indeed, believe in a God that is sovereign and sometimes that's all there is to cling to. Psalm 119:49-50 says this: "Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life." God is a life giving God and the truth is that Nathan is more alive now than any of us still facing death and decay here on earth. He is home.

Below is a video of a song that I heard just after the accident happen as I was driving to work. It gave me huge peace then and still does. I imagined Nathan walking into Jesus' living room where he was welcomed in and given a seat on the couch and cold Dr. Pepper; sitting and chatting with the Savior. I still smile as I think about that. As my friend's dad said, "He skateboarding with Jesus, now kids." So glad you're home, Nate.

Just plain good...a good time for moving forward.

2010-06-27T12:58:00.000-05:00

For the first time in a long time, I look around and see just how good life is.

I have a job that I love (after the first few weeks of starting) and allows me to also have time that is not filled with work or homework. I have a place to live. I have wonderful friends to spend time with, go on adventures with, and share life with. The sun is out and I am soaking it up!

As I look back on my time in college, especially the last year, it is difficult to believe that it is over. I loved college soo much and I guess maybe that's why I'm so excited to continue by walking alongside college students in their lives and spiritual journeys. It's just such a unique time of your life where there is freedom, chaos, exploring new things, and sharing every area of your life with the people around you. You are challenged intellectually, socially, spiritually, and probably any other -ly you could think of. Mmm..college...I think I was made for an experience like this.

All that being said, I'm so relieved to be done. Maybe that doesn't really make sense..but as I look back on college fondly, I see a lot of things that I hope to overcome as well. Because I love people so much, I became dependent on the people around me to feel whole. I couldn't say "no" to any outing, often overbooked myself, and had to call someone anytime I was bored or by myself. This was something that I overcame on internship because I had to, but fell way too easily back into that pattern when I returned to classes last year. Relationships became something that my life revolved around and while Christ calls us to be in community, it is not meant to be a replacement for a relationship that makes Him the center. Additionally, I look back and see something that terrifies me. In college, I was an overcommitted, over scheduled, stressed overachiever with too much to do, too many places to go, and too many people to please. By the end of this past school year, I was spent and unsure if I could jump into what the future held. I was stressed, often short with people when deadlines and activities approached, and had no time to be present with people. It was an unfortunate way to spend such a wonderful time in my life and my hope is that I learned enough from it never to do that again. Right before graduating, I began to feel physical effects of my stress and knew that something had to change. I'm grateful for the experience, grateful that I could see and learn from that experience, and grateful for an opportunity to move forward and do things differently.

That's the thing about moving forward, ya know? You have to keep doing it...life goes on and so shall we. But our moving forward becomes all the more meaningful when we can glance backward and see how far we've come and what we've learned for the next leg of our journey. The thing about moving forward is that it's good to look backward from time to time and thank the Lord that He didn't leave you stuck a few steps ago.

I am able to look back and see how much I have already grown since graduation. I have been adjusting to living by myself as well as still spending time with friends. I am not stressed, but feel productive. I am not overbooked, but am out living life! Amazingly enough, the "freedom" that people have talked about having in college has been found in me only after I've graduated.

This past week in a devotion we read about the children of Israel passing into the Promised Land by way of crossing the Jordan. The Lord parted the waters so that they could walk through and told them to take stones from the dry river bed and build an altar of remembrance so they would not forget how far God had brought them and how faithful He is. That's our challenge. Look around...look back at yesterday...see what God is doing, what He's brought you through and proclaim His goodness!

He said to the Israelites, "In the future when your descendants ask their fathers, 'What do these stones mean?' ²² tell them, 'Israel crossed the Jordan on dry ground.' ²³ For the LORD your God dried up the Jordan before you until you had crossed over. The LORD your God did to the Jordan just what he had done to the Red Sea when he dried it up before us until we had crossed over. ²⁴ He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the LORD is powerful and so that you might always fear the LORD your God." Joshua 4:21-24

For centuries, the Israelites have claimed the pilgrimage of their people. Even now, if you would ask a Jew about who crossed the Red Sea and was freed from slavery in Egypt, they would boldly respond, "we did." We remember and participate in how God saw His people through generation after generation and become a testament to His provision. Sovereign and Faithful is His Name. And then we rejoice! Rejoice in the Promise Land of salvation that is right now and that is to come! Because the thing is, as I was so strongly reminded today, death is not the end of our moving forward. It's the beginning. Shadows loom over our journey, but the truth is this:

"Jesus has overcome and the grave is overwhelmed. The victory is won. He has risen from the dead and I will rise when He calls my name."

So with that joy and expectation, I move forward.

Sitting...

2010-05-23T21:30:00.000-05:00

¹ I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.

² Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

³ The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave ^a]">[a] came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.

⁴ Then I called on the name of the LORD :
"O LORD, save me!"

⁵ The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.

⁶ The LORD protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.

⁷ Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.

⁸ For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,

⁹ that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.

¹⁰ I believed; therefore ^b]">[b] I said,
"I am greatly afflicted."

¹¹ And in my dismay I said,
"All men are liars."

¹² How can I repay the LORD
for all his goodness to me?

¹³ I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the LORD.

¹⁴ I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people.

¹⁵ Precious in the sight of the LORD
is the death of his saints.

¹⁶ O LORD, truly I am your servant;
I am your servant, the son of your maidservant ^c]">[c] ;
you have freed me from my chains.

¹⁷ I will sacrifice a thank offering to you
and call on the name of the LORD.

¹⁸ I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people,

¹⁹ in the courts of the house of the LORD—
in your midst, O Jerusalem.
Praise the LORD. Psalm 166

So much has happened in the last 2 weeks that it is incredible. I have finished my last college classes, taken finals, graduated, given a speech, moved out of one apartment, moved in to another apartment, said many goodbyes and see ya laters knowing that some relationships will be different and grateful others will stay the same, and drove home. The past few days have just been breathing. That's about all I am capable of and trust me, it's done me good. I came home still feeling so tense and stressed from all of finals and changes, but I've begun to relax. Part of that process has come out of a message from a pastor at the sending service for graduating church workers. He talked about sitting in God's Word and that being the only thing that brings rest and renewal. His theme was "Sit to be Sent." When we are stressed or not being filled, we try to fill our schedules and end up cluttering our hearts and minds instead of clearing them. This is one of the easiest roads to being burned out. I am so guilty of such things and let me tell you, the results are devastating. I become high strung, edgy, and not present or patient with people. When I try so hard to be about everything and everyone else, it's only me that I begin to focus on. So what's the solution? Sitting in God's Word. I'm at home...it's quiet...relaxed...and I've got to get back to what's important: starting and ending my day in the Word.

This transition has been a very strange one for me. It's taking me awhile to digest that I'm not going to be living with my roommates anymore, there will be no more papers to write, I won't be up all night finishing projects over pizza, and this strange end to a journey has some how morphed into a new beginning. It's sad to say goodbye to that chapter of life, but it has been good to take a step back from it, let it all sink in, and see what's happened and where I've come from. It's good to sit.

So Psalm 116...it's been helpful in sitting. Verse 7 reads: "Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you." It has helped me to breathe. I can rest in the truth that God is good. He has been SO good to me in the past few years and I have no reason to doubt His goodness for the future. He hears us. He delivers us. He is faithful. Even when things are more difficult, His Word stands so that we can sit in it. We sit and rest. So that we might be sent out to serve.

For now...I'm letting my heart rate get back to normal, letting the muscle tension subside, and watching the anxiety disappear as I sit. I'm excited for what's next and it's going to be great..after I've sat...to be sent.

No One is Like Our God.

2010-04-27T21:48:00.000-05:00

It is incredible that the God we serve is not a God who stands at a distance. He is not a God who watches from afar and stays uninvolved in the lives of His people. He is not a God who says "fend for yourself" or "I gave you the tools; go do it already."

He is a God who sustains. "Man cannot live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord." He is a God that brings rest. "He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul." He is a God that takes life on for us. "He who knew no sin became sin for us."

We are so affected by the circumstances of our world. His love for us, however, is unaffected by anything. Nothing can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.

So I breathe the Spirit in and out and give thanks for being sustained.

That is all.

2010-04-15T23:19:00.001-05:00

Sometimes the most gracious thing we can do is say nothing.

Is it graduation yet?

2010-03-14T20:14:00.000-05:00

This entire break (and especially today) I have been the epitome of senioritis.

I have exhausted all motivation and all physical and mental wherewithal to accomplish academic tasks.

This could be a long night..

Friday night at home

2010-03-12T20:52:00.000-06:00

A Table for Two by Caedmon's Call

Danny and I spent another late night over pancakes,
Talkin' 'bout soccer
And how every man's just the same
We made speculation
On the who's and the when's of our futures
And how everyone's lonely
But still we just couldn't complain

And how we just hate being alone
Could I have missed my only chance
And now I'm just wasting my time
By looking around
But you know I know better
I'm not gonna worry 'bout nothing
Cause if the birds and the flowers survive
Then I'll make it okay
I'm given a chance and a rock
see which one breaks a window
See which one keeps me up all night and into the day

Because I'm so scared of being alone
That I forget what house I live in
But it's not my job to wait by the phone
For her to call

Well this day's been crazy
But everything's happened on schedule
from the rain and the cold
To the drink that I spilled on my shirt
'Cause You knew how You'd save me
before I fell dead in the garden
And You knew this day
long before You made me out of dirt

And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can't plan the end and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
Just to get me to sleep.

Because I'm so scared of being alone
That I forget what house I live in
But it's not my job to wait by the phone

Learning not to be lonely and resting in Jesus...it's a lifelong lesson.

rolling stones.

2010-02-27T19:08:00.000-06:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.

I'm going through so many things in my life currently...physically, socially, vocationally, academically. There's just a lot going on.

God has granted me an opportunity to get off campus and take some time today. As Kevin told me, I'm taking an opportunity to "create some mental space." I think that's great advice. Giving myself some time and space to think and pray and not be consumed by what surrounds me.

Well, the time I've taken to escape has been absolutely beautiful. I'm not escaping any issue, that's for sure. Nothing has been solved or removed, but when you back up, it's easier to see that God is moving all over in it, that He is reigning in the midst and over top of all these goings on, and that truly it is He that is my sustainer, my life, and my salvation. I know I talked about it in my last entry, but He is teaching me this and it takes me a long time to learn especially in the midst of so much that tries to challenge that truth.

So for the last couple of weeks, I've been battling this allergic reaction on my hand that is actually probably a lot bigger deal than I think it is, but I think it's beginning to get under control. It's incredible to me how draining physical pain is and truly you cannot focus on other types of needs when your basic physical needs are in jeopardy. I gained so much compassion for people in physical pain in these past couple of weeks. It makes me want to care for the hurting because it is difficult to be in pain and it is difficult to allow others to help you when you're in that situation. It is also difficult to be the ones walking alongside those in pain. You are rendered helpless and so are they. The gift of presence is a powerful one. I am so grateful to wonderful people in my life these past two weeks who have sat with me while I've cried and been in pain and when I've been grouchy because my tolerance was low. I'm sorry for that and I'm so grateful to you. I've seen God work in people taking care of me, in people working out getting me medicine that I cannot afford, and getting to go to the doctor when I didn't think it was possible. God you truly are providing in huge, bold, and obvious ways.

Socially, well... let's just say that I've made a lot of mistakes. I have neglected people in my life who are capable of loving me enormously and stretching me and growing me. I have been hurtful to some friends. It's so difficult being a sinner and realizing how much we are at the mercy of others and their willingness to forgive. Praise God for forgiving freely. Other relationships just look so different and to be honest, that hurts a lot, however, God is teaching me, once again, that I'm sustained in Him alone. So what do I do? I do what I know how--love, forgive, say I'm sorry, try to do better, and realize that in relationships with others, there is a lot that is out of my control. So the Holy Spirit is granting me peace and extra grace when I'm challenged. Sometimes, when it gets too hard, I have to step back, create some mental space, and trust in God's Word. Isaiah 43 reminds me that I've been redeemed and called by name and God calls me His. In John, he asks that God would make his joy complete in Christ. That is my prayer. I am being so challenged to look at my relationships as things that enhance my life, but don't define my life. Christ does that. Habakkuk 3 shows what it looks like to praise in the midst of life's stuff. And so we do. Because Christ is our sustainer.

Vocationally...well...I am trying to figure out life after graduation, which, as you can imagine is an incredible challenge and full of stress and ugh...well...everything. It's probably one of the biggest decisions I've ever made in my life and I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm tense, stressed, and trying to create some space to think, be at peace, and rest that God knows where I'm going and is going to bless it whatever I decide. I've been blessed with some good conversations in the past few days and I'm so grateful for the wise people that are in my life to speak truth into my heart and mind. See what I mean? Stepping back helps us to see His faithfulness. I've been in a bit of a cocoon lately just because discernment takes a lot of energy out of me and I want to give this process as much as it deserves. I've made some headway, I think, and I trust that God will guide. Creating space to listen and just be has been huge.

So here I am. In my created space.

Reading blogs about the struggles of people I'm praying for, reading about the incredible joys and stories of overcoming struggles, hearing from people that God has given me and listening to their pain and their indescribable strength, the depth of their struggle, and others ability to see past it into the salvation Christ has brought us. And at this point...all I can think about....is rocks.

Rocks. I know, right?

There are rocks, aren't there. Every flipping where. Rocks. You know the bear hunt song..."can't go under it, can't go over it, can't go around, can't go through it." Usually there's one that you can do in that song, but our rocks in life don't work like that. They are just plain in the way. We have to go through them, but boy is that messy and boy does it hurt. Future decisions, struggles in relationships, death, academic struggles, transitions, physical pain, cancer, distance from loved ones. There. are. rocks.

Right now one of the most relevant passages to me is of the women going to the tomb on Easter morning. It's appropriate for our Lenten journey. Maybe a bit premature..but you know...it's good stuff and totally where I'm at. The women were mourning and carried their spices and oils down the road with their heads hanging low. Their minds were fuzzy with grief and the world around them was clouded. All of a sudden it dawns on one of them..."who will roll the stone away?" Doesn't that just hit you?!? Those dad gum rocks. They are so big. They stare us in the face. They won't go away and we sure as heck couldn't budge them. We just sit there, look up, and say "who will roll the stone away?"

Satan likes rocks. He puts them in our way. He thought that rock was going to hold our Savior. Ha! Well...here's the thing... Jesus (and one of the angels) rolled the stone away. He couldn't be held by a rock and His power isn't contained by the rocks in our life either. Who will roll the stone away? Jesus already has. He's a stone roller (not to be confused with a Rolling Stone :D ) and He continues to roll stones for us. Let's face it. There are going to be times when we've been asked to go, not know how the stone is going to get rolled away, but trusting that it's going to be rolled away when we arrive. But even on that journey of walking in faith, we might be doing a lot of asking "who will roll the stone away?" The eternal question has been answered. And it's Jesus.

I'm speechless, in awe, and grateful that He didn't leave the stone unturned.

You hold everything together.

2010-02-02T22:32:00.000-06:00

I've never claimed to be good at prayer or understand how it works. When I think about that, actually, I get crabby because it's so beyond my comprehension.

How incredible, though, that we can approach the throne of Jesus boldly with anything. Anything at all...nothing to big or small... The door is open to us. His ear is leaned in our direction. He promises to hear us. So tonight, Lord, I take rest in the fact that you hear me. Today has been a day of constant prayer. I don't know where it came from exactly. I don't claim at all to be a prayer warrior. It's something I would like to be. I'm so all over the place most days that it's hard to remember or focus. I guess that would improve with prayer and practice. But today, there was so much on my heart and mind...my family, friends, people in need of healing, the future, the hearts of those who aren't believers, stress and busyness, relationships of all shapes and sizes, and to just be still.

We read this verse today in OLF and it was actually made into a song lyric that has been running continuously in my head.

"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." Colossians 1:17

I took so much rest in that verse today. God is in control; holding everything together. Our professor talked about how we might be offended to need to be held together. Offended at the idea that we, ourselves aren't holding things together. No. I could see myself going there on other days perhaps. But today.....I needed to be held together. People asked for forms, scheduled appointments, wanting assignments, giving deadlines, wanting updates, giving updates, needing discussions, needing time/energy/focus/love, wanting encouragement, etc...the list marches on. I rested in the fact that God holds all things...including me...together. I think of those circular puzzles. That's the image I get. The pieces are loose and will fall apart, but Christ is the gravity in the center holding it together. Gravity. Jesus is our rock that we can be grounded on and force that holds us there. This is an epic connection.

In this verse, I also hear the name I AM. He was before all things...He was...He holds all things together...He is and is to come. He's a sandwich who is the Alpha, Omega, and in the middle. And the bread is what especially holds a sandwich together. Okay...so I'm a visual person. This is seriously what I think about in class during our conversations. Theology...and sandwiches. Not a bad combo. McDonald's should market that.

Today was odd. Even though it was filled to the brim of activity, people, emotion, intellect, and other stimulating things, I couldn't help but find myself being so loved by Jesus and so in love with Him. It's been awhile since I've really sat in this place. I think there's something to be said for me being a quality time person. It's my primary love language and as of late, I've been in the Word and in prayer a lot as my Rock to lean on. It's funny how when I don't spend time with people, I feel so disconnected, but when I spend quality time with someone, I feel so loved and connected. I've observed the same in my relationship with the Lord. Even though I know His love doesn't change, being in the Word to hear about His love for me and praying (acknowledging His love for me because He promises to hear me) has provided me with some great quality time to receive the love of Christ.

Love like a hurricane. I am a tree.

Jesus is Unmoved and He is in Us

2010-01-26T16:16:00.000-06:00

Boy, has it been a long time since I've written on this blog consistently. I haven't really thought through the purpose of this blog, but I guess it's probably so I can remind myself later of what God is doing and has done in my life as well as share it with those who care to walk alongside the path that carries my journey.

So for today, this is what I've got.

God is teaching me some pretty big lessons at this point in time. These lessons aren't really measurable or tangible per say, but some may argue that it means they are all the more important.

-The first of these lessons is trust and I guess it is more of a fringe benefit of the greater lesson that is to follow. I'll say more about this, but God is teaching me peace and rest at the moment. I am reading a book called Traveling Light at the moment and it is all based on the 23rd Psalm. The crux of my growing from that Psalm lies in the following verses:
¹ The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

² He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

³ he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

Believing in these promises and discovering more meaning in them (with the help of Max Lucado) has helped me to calm down in Jesus. Our Shepherd is good. He gives us what we need. He helps us to rest when we are being compared to the most volatile animal that cannot sleep without just the right conditions (Lucado's observation). He makes it possible for us to rest and brings restoration to us. He guides our paths. Trusting and simply falling limp into these promises and letting them hold me is the goal. More and more I see Jesus taking away my fears, calming my anxieties, reassuring me that He was, is, and will be in control. This is good for me as a person standing on the brink of the unknown. The Lord is my Shepherd; leading me into what I cannot see or know.

-The second and greater lesson I'm learning is similar and being tested intensely and repeatedly. It's good, it's frustrating, it's challenging, and it's good. It's nothing that hasn't been said before, so if you're looking to the secret to life, well this is probably as close as there is to one, but it's not really a secret. Here it is....

I know that my Redeemer lives,
and that in the end he will stand upon the earth.^"

²⁶ And after my skin has been destroyed,
yet in my flesh I will see God;

²⁷ I myself will see him
with my own eyes—I, and not another.
How my heart yearns within me! Job 19:25-27

Job was an incredible man of faith who got what I'm about to say. He went through a multitude of struggles and afflictions and still he rested in the truth that he belonged to the Lord and that his Lord was in control and taking care of him. Wow. Yesterday I put a pretty good summary of this on my Twitter. "I belong to Jesus & I'm okay. Regardless of circumstances or people that surround me, that holds true. Thanks be to God." My hope, my joy, my peace, my wholeness, my identity, my dreams, my groundedness, my love, my sturdiness, my strength, my wisdom, my passion, everything I am...it rests in nothing else but Jesus Christ and the fact that I am His. There are so many things in my daily life that knock me off balance and have the ability to wreck my mood like coffee on a white sweater. It's unbelievable how quickly my entire outlook can change by the smallest of circumstances or one small gesture from a person. The truth is, what I have in Jesus is so much bigger than my feelings or moods. What I have in Jesus is so much bigger than who people say I am, how someone chooses to treat me at a given time, or a circumstance that is beyond my control. I've been facing some hurtful situations recently with few places to turn to. But standing on the Rock of the Gospel means that we are not moved by the things of this world. Because greater is the One who is in us. Amen for that!! Not only does it free me from being knocked out of whack every time someone hurts my feelings, but it frees me so deeply that I can keep loving freely. Don't mishear me, I'm not advocating being a doormat. I'm just saying that when Jesus is for you, honestly, who can even be against you? The things I think I need in life or from people becoming secondary to what I already have in the salvation found in Christ. Max Lucado says this in Traveling Light:

"Are you hoping that a change in circumstances will bring a change in your attitude? If so, you are in prison, and you need to learn a secret of traveling light. What you have in your Shepherd is greater than what you don't have in life."

Jesus is the ultimate game changer. Today I was thinking how blessed we are to have this hope and be able to be held by Jesus in the midst of such a chaotic world that is scary and full of uncertainty. My comments were this:

"There's something about Him. About His promises and how He came. How He suffered and did the unthinkable--coming back to life so we could have it with Him. There's just something about Him that makes everything right. No matter what is said, done, seen, felt, or heard, it is nothing in comparison. He was, is, and will be and in that, we are made unshakeable."

I pray this is a place that God holds me in and that I can fall deeper into rest in Jesus and it is my prayer that you can rest there too. He gives it freely. Praise God for that. Without Him I'd be beyond a wreck. Even when He is there, I wreck things trying to do it myself. He quiets me and says "let me lead you by still waters." Lead on, Lord.

coffee in the afternoon is watching love.

2010-01-13T16:41:00.001-06:00

I love sitting in coffee shops in the afternoon. Some days I feel like I'm in a movie. Eric Whitacre graces my ears and the world seems to slow down. I imagine what a couple at the high table along the wall is discussing. The lady next to me, I imagine she's trying to write an email to her granddaughter in Westminster, Maryland. A little boy with shiny brown hair and his cheeks full of air leans against the pastry glass. Grandpa can't say no. He takes his new treasure to a table and opens it like a new package on Christmas morning. His feet tawdle to and fro and his face is graced with powdered sugar like the cold sidewalks outside the window. People rush in and out. Sucked into laptops or staring into space. Every time the door opens it's an exciting new plot twist to the establishment's day. Who will grace us with their presence? Where did they come from and where are they going? To be a flower on the lapel of all who enter and exit would be quite extraordinary. The little one is thirsty. He climbs up on a large chair to reach the water cooler. So proud that he did it himself, he stops to take a drink out of his paper cup. He looks down unsure how he'll climb to the floor with his water cup. A gentleman watches with a grin. Reaching out to this adventurous young lad, he takes the cup. Unsure for a moment, the boy looks at his cup and back to the man. The child smiles and hands the man the cup. He jumps off the chair and takes the cup back to his grandpa. The love of a day with Grandpa. As the choir sings in my ears, he mouths "say thank you!." The boy turns back. "Thank you." And it's back to the donut. That's love. Donuts with Grandpa. A stranger to hold your cup while you jump off your chair. And a warm place with warm drinks on a cold day. Oh, to see the love that surrounds us and to join in with love. The beautiful chords, melodies and harmonies that seem to fill the room, but only in my mind. It's the sound of love. You can't see it, but it fills you. You can't describe it, but you witness it unfold and in some way it changes you. And maybe only for a moment, the world seems full of purpose and beauty as people, words, events, schedules, dreams, and beverages seem to dance and together weaving into a grand choral work. The darkness is painful but brings meaning, depth, and gratitude. The light is life and hope. And to stand back and watch it all mix together into something grandiose. This is a snapshot. How worlds combine at a single point in time, to make a chord that will be part of a greater theme of ups and downs. No matter the notes, no matter the direction, no matter anything, the song is held together by love.

back in motion.

2009-05-27T00:24:00.000-05:00

I know it's been ages since I've blogged last. I think I took such a crazy journey for awhile and then after that, I had not a clue as to how to describe what I had experienced.

I realized that I had stopped moving forward and had been slowing down for a long time, but this unforgiveness that plagued me, finally brought me to a screeching halt until God (and some incredible people that He has blessed me with) showed me that there is freedom in forgiveness. There is a freedom that is promised in the blood of Jesus. Bondage is no more.

So I went through a process of what it means to let go of things that have happened in the past. I really appreciated the definition of forgiveness that I was given: "It's not forgetting or even saying what happened is "okay," but it's letting that person off the hook. It's giving up your right to be angry." I think that made me even more angry for awhile. I have held on to the idea that I've deserved to be angry over certain things that have transpired in my life. That justification of my bitterness just deepened the issue that kept eating away at me. I didn't even realize it. I woke up one day and realized that there were certain things and people that I couldn't even encounter without feeling angry. There was this huge part of me that was clinging to a sin that was so unhealthy.

It took me awhile to realize that I was even wounded and once I did, it took me another while to realize I could and needed to be freed of that unforgiveness and bitterness. Once that happened and I asked God to heal me and guide me, I was overwhelmed by how quickly healing started to come. Those relationships and situations are already a billion times better than they have been in a long time. From there, it means continuing to take steps to improve those relationships and situations, continuing to claim the freedom I have from those wounds (especially when that anger creeps back in), and continually asking for compassion and love for those people and those situations. I think my biggest challenge now, however, is making myself more aware of how those wounds affect me in my adult life and how I need to overcome those wounds and habits to become a healthy woman of God. It has been an awesome process that I'm glad to continue.

I would like to say, however, that this process began and continues to be rooted in God's Word and wrapped in prayer. At the beginning of all of this, I went through Scripture and studied any reference to forgiveness that I could find. I learned that almost none of the times that Jesus spoke forgiveness (usually accompanied by physical healing) were solicited. He freely spoke forgiveness without apology. That was one huge hurdle for me to overcome. He spoke some strong words too about us being forgiven as much as we are willing to forgive. I'd encourage you to dig into Scripture about forgiveness if this is an issue on your heart. For any issue on your heart, really, it's the best place to start. The other thing about this process is not walking alone. I get so frustrated by this because I would much rather think that I could solve my issues on my own, but I can't. God created us for community to walk together through issues and joys. I have been blessed to have a mentor and friend through this process to listen to me, guide me, and pray with and for me. It's been phenomenal and I've already lined up a mentor for when I return to the Cities. I think it's a valuable thing to always find someone that can mentor us and always be a mentor type to someone else. It is how we grow and encourage others to do the same.

It's been amazing and I've been hugely blessed.

Since that huge spurt of growth, however, I've been feeling like I'm plateauing again. It can be easy to get complacent and not seek diligently after God's Word. I get cynical and jaded. But I know there are seasons to everything. God is still sovereign.

In other news, I've been entertaining yet another possible ministry path. I've always loved psychology and counseling is one of my favorite parts about ministry. My mentor friend suggested that I might consider a parish counseling path. Another thing to consider... I've been praying for God to reveal a passion in me and that was a conversation I had just after that. Who knows...still need to think and pray on that one. I get frustrated because I've already got too many options. God knows where I'm heading though. I'm trying to just rest in that.

In other news still, I've just returned from visiting the beloved Twin Cities. I had a marvelous time at a wedding and spending lots of time with great friends. I know I've missed them while I've been on internship, but when I was back with them, I was overwhelmed by how much I love them. :) I'm getting very excited to return there. It was a great visit to tie me over until I get to head back north. On the flight home, I got to journal quite a bit and most of it was reflecting on those relationships. My friends are wonderful and obvious proof that God knows me better than I know myself. He's blessed me more than I can ever know.

I'm on a new workout kick. I started tonight and I really hope it lasts. I don't want to be the intern that came back flabby. I've been hearing lots of my friends and people at church starting new workouts or diets and felt the need to step up. I know I'm going to be sore tomorrow.

I think that's about it, though... this is what God has been speaking to me. "Let me show you how much I love you." It's come up over and over again since Easter and I just love it. In wonderful times and in sad times, it has seemed to overwhelm me with God's truth and insurmountable love.

A month and a half left in Arizona...

2009-03-26T15:16:00.000-05:00

I've ceased to move forward. I'm trying to figure out how to get going again. God is faithful.

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

It's time to be still so God can heal me and free me of the chains that keep me from moving forward.

Beautiful...because He made me so.

2009-03-04T23:12:00.000-06:00

Right now I'm teaching a confirmation class just for the girls. This past Sunday we talked about some self-image things.

I brought in some teen girl magazines and fashion magazines. I let them flip through them and asked the girls to pick out who the most beautiful person in that magazine was. Once they picked the person I asked them to say why they picked that person. Then I had them make a list on their paper starting with this prompt: "If I were as beautiful as this person I would have to change..."

The reactions from the girls were priceless. "What??" "You want us to do what?!?" "This really makes me feel bad." So on and so forth.

After a few minutes, I asked them to share what was on their list. Almost everyone shared something. Things like weight, acne, different hair, nose, ears, teeth...you name it...it was on the list. As we all faced our demons (quite literally, when you think about it), it was a huge reality of how much of an impact these things have on how we feel about ourselves. Everyone felt heavy.

Then we watched this video:

It was incredible to watch them as they watched it. You watch this woman be completely transformed and once she looks beautiful already, they go in and manipulate her facial features on the computer. Then that is what is being put on billboards. How sick! That is what our young women and girls are comparing themselves to! It's not even real..but that's what we think we have to be. How sad.

So we went back to our list. I told them how we think that we have to be just as beautiful as these models, as people on TV, as people on billboards, but it's not real. I led them in ripping up their papers.

I kind of got on my soapbox at this point. I mean, how often do young girls let a magazine tell them who they are instead of opening Scripture? How many more times to we open a magazine or a self-help book to figure out what we need to be instead of looking in God's Word? Satan fills the media with sneaky messages that enter our minds and tell us that being who God created us to be isn't enough. We have to be more than that. Well, guess what satan, you're WRONG!

We went into Scripture and looked through some of my favorite passages about who God says we are.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30

He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me. Psalm 18:19

I told those girls (and I know it doesn't sink in after hearing it once...especially when they are bombarded with the opposite messages) that they are a masterpiece of God. We see the awesome works that He has done and He claims us as the crown of creation! He delights in us! I asked them if they knew what that meant and they really didn't have much of an idea. I explained to them that just looking at or being our presence brings utter joy to our Lord. When He looks at you, He honestly can't help but smile. He just soaks you in...He delights in you. He created you as His wonderful masterpiece. I encouraged them to memorize these verses so that when the world and satan tried to get in their head and convince them otherwise, they could say to that person or to that voice in their head: "ya know what?? Bugger off! I'm fearfully and wonderfully made and you have nothing on me!"

I pray for the day that those girls believe that to be true.

I remember always being told when I was growing up that "beauty is on the inside." Yeah...so are blood and cells and that doesn't really get you attention you desire and, to some extent, need. Beauty does come from the heart, but it shines outward. I remember thinking that my dad would tell me that all of the time because I wasn't pretty. It ultimately made me feel worse about myself and I still feel that way when he says that. I want to know that I'm beautiful because that's a gift that God has given to women. He made me to be beautiful, inside and out, and claiming that Truth is what shines. If you're just building up the outside, it's a mask with emptiness at the core. Beauty is meant to be delighted in. I'm saddened that girls are so bombarded with unhealthy messages about who they have to be and don't truly believe that being a Daughter of the King is where their beauty truly lies.

I contemplate this as I sit on my couch...lamenting over wearing my bathing suit and trying to fight off the urge to have a bowl of ice cream. We're all fighting that battle. Good thing God's word is living and active; sharper than any double edged sword. (Hebrews 4:12)

I'm going to go listen to Bethany Dillon's song, Beautiful.

a TV and a sundae on a Monday...

2009-03-02T23:05:00.000-06:00

Today was really cool. It was a great change of pace.

I slept extremely late. Josiah came over and we had lunch. Then we ventured off to Sun Lakes. A woman there wanted to give me her TV and so we went to go pick it up from her place.

She lives in an assisted living facility that was sweet! It was like a fancy hotel for people to live in. We got the TV and had to roll it on a cart, bring the car around, and load it up. Darlene chatted with us and told us stories the whole time. She had just moved in and didn't need this TV anymore. Mine has a green corner so the staff at church thought I should get it.

We got the TV loaded up and the cart rolled across the parking lot. Darlene got a kick out of that--thankfully it didn't hit any cars. Then she treated us to a trip to the "ice cream shoppe." :) She was great to chat with and told us that ice cream was one of her favorite things. That's why she was getting "fat and sassy." :) Who wouldn't love a lady who said that?? Josiah and I had a lovely chat with her and then we headed to the church. We recruited Pastor David to come and help move the TV into my apartment. There are stairs. So now I have a schnazzy, big TV and my old one is sitting on the floor...not sure where that's going. It's the rental company's, so it has to stick around somewhere.

The rest of the afternoon was spent getting some errands done, paying bills, and reading by the pool. My kids were texting me like crazy, too. Good thing I like them. :)

It's been awesome to see how much this conference this past weekend has really torn down walls with some of them. It's exciting. God's working so hugely!

Tonight I had a good dinner and watched the Bachelor. I wasn't a faithful follower of the show this season, but I caught the first episode and the last couple. It was pretty messed up. It's only proof of how imperfect our love is on this side of eternity. It's so telling of our culture. It's no wonder that marriage in our culture isn't sacred anymore. It's just like Melissa said on the show: "you chose me, but you're not willing to fight for me...to see if things can work." This is our culture's view on marriage--outside and inside of the Church. A new friend shared with me this week a great insight. He said that people often preach so strongly against homosexuality because the church needs to preserve the sanctity of marriage. Okay....agreed....but..... Let's take a gander at marriage. 50% of marriages fail. Guess what, folks? That statistic for Christian couples is the same. Inside the church, the percentage of failed marriages is just as high. So...how are we preserving the sanctity of marriage in our own families? We don't want to talk about marriage and relationship issues. We don't want to fight for them. My friend suggested that we first take a look at this situation with our marriages in the church and redeeming that sanctity before we go out and about protecting the sanctity in everyone else's realm. He said "let's work on us for awhile." I think he is very wise.

The Shack...hopefully some broad thoughts on it tomorrow. Josiah has my book right and I'd like to quote some things...so we'll see.

I'm simply standing in awe of who God is.

2009-03-01T22:15:00.000-06:00

My battery is withering as I type and my power cord is at church, so I'll write this as quickly as I can.

The conference this weekend put on by Dare2Share was really awesome. I didn't know how much really sunk in with kids, but I could tell tonight that it really stuck with some of them. Some had major breakthroughs in their faith. Some are having walls being taken apart.

They learned all about the work of satan that is around them and how his lies are spoken to us all the time. Then they were trained on putting on the full armor of God. I love that one of the key things emphasized was that the Word of God is their sword. Tonight they already started memorizing Scripture. They're really going strong for sharing faith with their friends and "shredding the gnar" as they said at the conference. "Shredding the gnar" is a surfer term that means "go big or go home." They brought that term into what it means to share the Gospel. We go big with it or we go home. Share the Gospel at all times! The kids were digging it. Sometimes I think that kids just need to be empowered to do something and then given a high hurdle to jump and they totally did. I was in awe of how they went asking for can food yesterday in a neighborhood and then asked to pray for the people and start conversations about Christ. Now, this isn't my prefered style of evangelism, mind you, but to see kids confident enough in their Lord to share Him with strangers was phenomenal. :)

Please pray for our youth. They're being attacked by satan with so much vengence. But they learned tonight that "the thief comes to kill, steal, and destroy, but Jesus came that we might have life and have it to the full!" (John 10:10)

Battery is about to die....day off is tomorrow. This caffeine thing has been pretty rough this weekend, fyi. But I'm staying strong.

Day 2....

2009-02-27T00:39:00.000-06:00

Today was a bit rough on the fasting front. My headache was pretty intense almost constantly and it was difficult to focus. I've been staying up pretty late and I haven't had any caffeine. So that equals me being really unfocused and "meh" feeling.

Buut...I feel like my body is getting healthier. I had a healthy lunch and then I came home and made dinner (grilled chicken, rice, and peas). Woot woot! I felt good about making that dinner tonight. I'm determined to do better at taking care of my body. After all, it is a temple.

Tonight I got to talk to my friend, Scott, from camp. We hadn't talked in a long time...about a year and a half. It was so great talking to him about life, God, and how far we've come since camp. He's always someone who can make me think about things differently and bring a different perspective about faith and life. I couldn't believe how long we talked--it's like no time had gone by. God's doing awesome things with him and it's so great to hear stories about how God is working and continues to stretch us.

Tomorrow will be a full day. I still haven't written anything about The Shack. It's because I have so much to say that I know it'll take some time and thought...and I haven't put in that much effort yet. Ha! But tomorrow...I get to rest for awhile and then I'm taking my kids to a youth conference for the weekend. It's exciting! :)

Peace.

Ash Wednesday...(no comments on "The Shack" yet)

2009-02-25T17:45:00.000-06:00

Today is Ash Wednesday. The beginning of the Lenten journey.

They often use the "journey" image with Lent. I really like thinking about things in terms of a journey. I can relate to that. For Lent, I imagine us being on a road that winds around, up, and down, until we get to Jerusalem on Palm Sunday and take the Holy Week journey. It's a journey to the cross. I think it's so great because journeys are taken one step at a time and we get to center our focus more and more throughout this season. By the last week, we're in it. Involved, invested, and apart of the story.

My Lenten "journey" will not be fueled, however, by pop or coffee or anything from Starbucks for that matter. It's going to be tough--I've already experienced a dull headache, which stinks, but is only affirmation that I really need to do this. My water bottle will be my close companion. :) I reflected for awhile about why people give up things for Lent. I don't want to fall into some legalistic practice that is used to make people feel like "better Christians." Not only will this be something that is positive for my body...a stewardship mindset, if you will....but what a great way to break my dependence on something that I insist on having around all too regularly.

I want to blog everyday of this 40 days as well. Not all the same thing...maybe some songs or poetry that I've written...maybe just a Bible verse that's stood out to me....who knows. It's just good to write. :)

I got to impose ashes on people today. It was so different being on the flip side of things. It was really interesting to see the responses that people had to it. I would say, "remember that you are dust and to dust you shall return." Some said "amen," others said "thank you." I didn't know if I should smile at people or not as they approached me. But then I realized this: Dust isn't bad. God created it. It's His. We started with Him as dust and we will end with Him as dust again. His promise to us is sure that in baptism we were marked on our forehead with His name and we are His. We all know that life is fleeting, but that will never change the fact that we belong to God and will always continue to. We have bear the dirt of our sin, but it also shows us how desperately we need our Savior.

I pray that Lent is a reflective time for you. Think about whose you are and rest in the journey He made for you as He walks with you on yours.

Life :) ...livin' it.

2009-02-22T18:24:00.000-06:00

Life is so flipping good.

God is so good. This whole relationship thing with Him is waay better than a legalistic set of guidelines from a character with a gavel. The Shack has given me such a different perspective about what it means to be in relationship with God. I'm not saying I agree with everything in the book, but to see what my relationship with God could look like is absolutely mind boggling. I'm almost done with the book!! More to come about that when I'm finished.

I've had a few situations as of late that had the potential to really be "day wreckers" if you will. Relationships always have the power to hugely impact my mood. I'm realizing more and more, however, that this relationship that I have with God is so much bigger than any other relationship that might disappoint. He just wants to simply be with me. He loves without pretense or agenda. It's overwhelming...this God wants to just spend time with me.

More on this later...confirmation and youth group must happen right now.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My day/night at church is finally over. I've been in that building from 7am-8:45pm with only leaving for about 30 minutes after church to get lunch. Yikes.

Anyway, regardless of spending lots of time at church, I had an amazing day. I find that I've been opened up to how real a relationship with God can be and I simply beam at the thought of constantly being with Him. That relationship gives me satisfaction and just an indescribable bliss that comes with spending time with an old friend. :) I can't even fathom it. It's been such a break through in these last few days about what it means to be in relationship with God. I don't know. I'm baffled by it. It's awesome.

And I'm just amazed by the little things in life that we can overlook, but can bring a smile to our face if we think of them as little gifts from our pursing God. :) A great prayer by a youth, a goodie bag left on the door step from a neighbor, a word of encouragement, a Word that God speaks to my heart right where I'm at. :)

Today this verse was in my devotion!!
"My heart has heard you say, 'Come and talk with me.' And my heart responds, 'Lord, I am coming.'" Psalm 27:8

Wow. I'm blown away by that verse!! God is a lover of quality time...just like me! :) He invites me to come and chat. :) And I say..there's nothing I'd love more, Abba.

So, I always avoid the topic of romantic relationships because they are so foreign to me and frankly they often make me uncomfortable. I don't know what to do with them. I am getting better with that though. I'm growing. :) Buuut...all of the aforementioned things do not deter my desire to have one of these said relationships. I find myself being defeated over and over again in this area of life. Things are never what I think and I get disappointed time and time again. I get hit repeatedly with a message that I'm not wanted. That sounds worse than I mean. I know people want me...friends want me around...God wants me. I have self-esteem, I promise. I just mean in a plain, honest sort of way that no man currently wants to pursue my heart or feels that it is worthy of doing so. This was a realization that was brought up once again yesterday. It could've brought me down like it has before...but no. It didn't.

There's just this something. This something about being so satisfied. Honestly so satisfied with this relationship that I'm diving into with Jesus. Yes, I still want to find that special guy...as difficult and awkward as it is for me to admit...but I am so good with who God is in me. I'm so content with the fact that He is enough, all I need, and is always pursuing my heart. :)

Thanks, Jesus. I really am grateful. Thanks for your love.

Have a great week, everyone. :)

Finished lots of things...& Free by the blood of the lamb

2009-02-19T00:47:00.001-06:00

Today I dominated life. There was so much to be done (and there still is a good amount to get done), but the things that needed to get done today did. I felt so productive and that is really gratifying for me to be able to check things off of my list. It's one of my biggest joys in life. :)

Life always provides days like today...a challenge and then a sense of accomplishment upon rising to the challenge. I like those days. :) ...usually more so at the end than the beginning though.

Today was strangely wrapped in discussion about spiritual warfare. I know that's a random jump, but it was on my mind. We even talked about the workings of the devil in Kindergarten music class. These kids are awesome/strange/surprising/ridiculous.

Last night I had a discussion with a friend about how God empowers us to do huge things, but satan lies to us and keeps us from doing anything remotely close to what our potential would allow. I told my friend to read Galatians 1 without really knowing what it said. We read through it and this is the part that stood out:

I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel— which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ. But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let him be eternally condemned! As we have already said, so now I say again: If anybody is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let him be eternally condemned! Galatians 1:6-9

The bold phrase was really the kicker for me. God's Word and the Gospel of Jesus Christ's death and resurrection is Truth. satan is the father of lies. If there is a chance that we can easily turn to a "different gospel" in our lives, what about the True Gospel has been twisted, confused, or distorted? That's the question. What aspect of the Gospel has satan twisted just a bit to bind us to a gospel that isn't the Free Truth of Christ crucified? My friend and I threw out several options...
-the lie that the Gospel isn't for everyone, only for some
-that Jesus just died for Christians.
-that there is still something I have to do to earn Jesus' love.
-that I'm not worthy of the salvation given me.

and here's the one that my friend and I concluded was being spoken to him and probably to me as well...
-that the Gospel proves powerful and true for our eternal salvation, but we are rendered powerless here and now on earth.

There is so much truth to that. satan leads us to believe that the dreams we have are unreachable, the problems that surround us are unsolvable, that we would never be capable of doing great things and it's not even worth it to try. What an awful, awful lie!

It's a lie I'm currently struggling against. We talked about spiritual attack in prayer group this morning and how we are called to put on the full armor of God! The Word of God is our sword! It is our weapon against the wickedness of satan. His lies are disproved in God's Truth. It is our way to know when satan is speaking lies to us. We must hold it to the Word of God and what it says about who we are. Guess what...we can't know what it says about who we are if we don't read it!! We have no ammunition if we aren't in the Word.

I, as of late, haven't been consistently in God's Word. I can always tell too. Like, things don't bounce off of me as easily, even when I know they're not true. I get weighed down by things. Joy, purpose, and focus are more difficult to come by. I need to "sharpen my Sword," so to speak. satan has no power over those of us who are truly free in Christ. Own that.

In other news, I'm reading the book The Shack right now and it's pretty interesting. I'm a bit over half way through. I'll probably have some thoughts about it when I'm done, but I'm still trying to figure things out. I don't know how much of it I'll really agree with, but one thing is for sure, I've been engaged in it (which is a huge feat in and of itself) and secondly, it's taken my "God box" (if you will) and shattered it with a hammer. It really works to break up our stereotypes and boundaries that we create for God to live within. It's interesting. More on that later.

....that lady that had the octuplets and already has 6 kids at home was just on TV. They ask everyone and their mother about what they think about this lady, her family, her lifestyle, the doctors, etc etc. "Oh how appalling!" "How could she!" "How irresponsible and dangerous!" "Our tax dollars going to this?!?" Okay..so maybe it's not an ideal situation. But get off your darn soapbox and do something about it. Your criticism isn't helping anything or anyone. Actually, you're only making her situation worse. If you are concerned about the wellbeing of the children, do something to improve it. Thanks. That is all.

Last thing...I saw a person get hit by a car tonight. Well...I didn't physically see the person get hit, but I was there just after it happened. A few cars had stopped in the middle of a pretty major street and I was wondering what was up. Then as I got closer, I saw a person laying in the street. People were covering the person with lots of layers of blankets--probably to help with shock. I didn't feel like I should stop. Too many people often make the situation worse. I got about a block away and heard the sirens and then I saw the ambulance coming. It was really crazy. I don't think I've ever seen anything like that before. It was kind of intense for me.

Anyway...I'm talking to the Hawaiian intern right now. And I should be in bed. Blessings all...I pray that God reigns over you and shows you in everyway possible how much He delights in you.

Phew.

2009-02-16T13:06:00.000-06:00

It's been quite a full weekend!

All day Friday and Saturday I was at church, along with about 6 other people, decorating and getting ready for the fundraising gala. We were rushing around until the last minute, but everything got done and turned out really well.

The kids served dinner and drinks. We also had silent auction baskets, several raffle items, and a couple of live auction items. The kids did 3 little routines to 50's songs. The girls danced to "He's So Fine" and I sang to a split track. That was pretty fun. Then later in the evening, I sang "At Last" by Etta James and people were calling me "Etta" for the rest of the night and on Sunday morning. It was a full, but fun night. I left church around 11:30pm, only to return at 7am for Sunday worship. Man, it was rough getting up. Worship went well though, for all 4 services, so that's good.

During the 7:30 service, we learned there was going to be an event in the fellowship hall that evening, which meant we had to clean it up before then. Kids started cleaning after the 8:50 service and by the time I was done leading worship after the 10:10 service, there wasn't much left to do! So I grabbed some leftovers from the event and went home. I was planning on a nap, but a friend called and chatted with me for a long time and by the time we were done chatting, it was time for me to head back to church for confirmation & youth group.

It was a pretty good night with them. It was really cool teaching the confirmation kids about Sabbath. We lit a candle and I led them through how to do a devotion with their family for some "sabbath time" each day. It was very calming and they did well with it.

Hanging out with the high school kids was cool too. There are so many people in our youth group that have such huge potential to grow, serve, and be amazing contributors in God's kingdom. I wish I could show them how great they are and that they would own that. They are capable of such great things, but I'm not sure how to open them up to those capabilities. God has gifted so many of them so hugely. It is going to be an interesting challenge to help them realize this potential and guide them in an avenue where that potential can come to fruition. God is moving.

But today...today is a day of rest. Yesssss.

ramblings of a tired girl

2009-02-12T23:12:00.000-06:00

I'm tired.

This is going to be a full, but fun weekend, I think. I just need to keep thinking of it that way and not get tired or overwhelmed.

We have a big youth fundraiser going on that is requiring lots of work and coordination. It's going to be pretty cool too. :)

I'll be honest, though. I'm looking forward to Monday when I can sleep in and take my Sabbath/day off. It's exciting. :)

I don't really have much to say, but I realized that I hadn't posted in awhile. I guess I've been so busy and such that I haven't really been that reflective and therefore haven't had much to blog about.

I've been thinking about my "call" a lot lately. (I usually put that word in quotations...I think it's because I can't really wrap my head around it and people throw it around so loosely in Christian circles.)

First of all, I don't know what my call is. Secondly, there's a lot of things I could justify feeling "called" toward. Third, I don't know how to know. Haha. I mean, I like the "delicious ambiguity" of life. I've always been one to find excitement in the unknown. I know God will work it out, but I would still like some clarity. A hint, please?

That and I have a challenge to meet my neighbors within this next week. If I don't, Pastor David gets to pick a community class for me to take...soooo....I'm going to try to meet this goal. I'm thinking of baking something (gasp) and giving it to them. Hmm...we shall see. I technically did introduce myself to one of the people a couple of days ago, but I only spoke with him briefly and already forgot his name. I guess that doesn't really count. :S I want to have more friends though, so I pray that God helps me to get motivated/presents some opportunities for me to meet them and blesses those relationships.

I really don't have anything else worthy of being said. I'm a tired girl.

reflections.

2009-02-07T14:41:00.001-06:00

I'm amazed by how much reflection plays into living a healthy life.

I remember loving the movie "Mulan" when I was young. I could so relate to her. She was tough and bold and had a sense of a greater purpose. She wasn't the most beautiful or graceful girl. She was real and heroic. I liked her. I still do. I remember her song Reflections. It was all about her identity crisis. She was trying to be someone that her parents would be proud of and that her outside appearance and actions could match who she felt she was inside. It's a pretty deep song for a Disney movie.

Getting some distance from internship while I was on retreat has been a time to reflect upon all of the reflecting I've done during the past 6 months. I've had an amazing realization of how much I've grown. Just through personal reflection about my past, who I've been, who I strive to be, and all the experiences that have played into that, I've grown so much as a person. I feel that working through and thinking through those things has made me a healthier person as well.

I made a list a few months ago and it is simply a list of things I'm learning about myself. It's cool because it's the first step. Knowing yourself and being self aware about who you are and what's affected you in your life is a huge step. From there, it's figuring out how who you are and your experiences affect how you live right now. For example, I came from a family that doesn't really show much affection or affirmation of how much we love each other. Therefore, it is not easy for me to show affection or say that I love people. To make it to the second step is an amazing victory. The third step, however, is the most difficult. It's making a decision about what to do with those findings. Am I going to give in to what's been taught to me or am I going to change? Some things instilled in me are positive that I most definitely want to keep and others could be traded for better habits. It's an interesting and extremely healthy process. Once you know who you are and where that has come from, it puts the responsibility on you and how you choose to react to those things. It's very interesting and introspective.

Something valuable for all of us to reflect on: In what ways (good and bad) have your parents shaped who you are right now? It's a great question and a really scary one if you think about it in light of having kids someday.

Lots of healing has come from this process and I feel a lot lighter about who I am and that I have a lot of room to grow in. The process will continue, but for now, I thought it was necessary to note that I've seen progress.

Sometimes it's difficult to see growth when you're in the midst of it. Taking a step back a couple of weeks ago really made that clear to me. I praise God for using this opportunity to grow and stretch me in ways I didn't know I needed.

Reflection. It can be difficult to process through, but without it, it is really difficult to actually know who you are and who you can become. It's all part of that "moving forward" idea. The past is the past. Jesus makes all things new. It's easy to let the weight of baggage wear on you. It's mucking through it and moving on to what He has in store. There is freedom.

I get by with a little help from my....self?

2009-02-04T23:23:00.000-06:00

I'm in awe of some of the people in the Bible. Not only about the fact that they got to hang out in person with Jesus in His human form, but because so many came to Jesus to ask for help. They were humble enough to put their pride aside, acknowledge that they needed help, and recognize that there was Someone greater that could offer them the healing and power that they needed.

I have a rough time with that. I would much rather prove that I can do things on my own. I was raised to think that asking for help is a sign of weakness. It is very difficult to ask for help, but ultimately it's an issue with the First Commandment. By thinking we have the strength to handle anything that comes our way on our own, we are saying that we are god.

I am learning that especially when a person lives alone, they must ask for help. It is imperative. If you are alone and don't ask for help, nobody is going to step in because nobody knows there is a need. I am learning that asking for help isn't a sign of weakness, but an attribute of a healthy and self-aware person. It is a mark of a person who is big enough to admit fallibility and humble themselves.

This is such a difficult lesson to learn, but I know that if I don't really take initiative in asking for help, it's going to hurt me more in the long run.

This is maturity--knowing when you're in over your head and seeking help before you drown.

I can feel it coming back again...

2009-02-02T17:58:00.000-06:00

I've been in a bit of a funk lately.

I know part of it is coming off of the high of intern retreat and seeing everyone at school and everything. Part of me has a renewed sense of purpose and enthusiasm for ministry and my job. The other side of me is really in a state of withdrawal.

I just feel exhausted. It's really turned me back to God's Word which I totally denied while I was in Minnesota (what's up with that?!?). I haven't been able to sleep and I just feel heavy about a lot of different things. Some are good things that I am reflecting upon and sorting through. Other things are just really weighing on me. I laid in my bed for about 4hrs on Saturday night and I was just overwhelming myself with thoughts and so I began to pray. I prayed for hours. About everything...just dumping it all out. Some things I prayed about over and over until eventually God just rocked me to sleep. I don't know what's up with this. I don't really feel stressed...just heavy.

Wow. Satan has been twisting things and weighing on me and I have been blind to it. Anyway...I'm not a stranger to that. He attacks especially when we are feeling vulnerable. This sense of lethargy is surrounding me. I think some of that comes from the realization of how much I really do miss my friends and also all of this thought about discerning my call and area of ministry. I have no idea what the future holds and because it's difficult right now for me to hone in on something, my focus is spread all over and I'm exhausted in exploration and thought.

I feel like my brain just exploded onto the blog. Eww...brain guts.

God is peace. God is peace. God is peace.

Psalm 16:7-11

This passage is getting me through.

Where do I begin...

2009-01-29T23:14:00.000-06:00

I'm back from Minnesota.

So many things are swirling in my mind. I must admit that I wondered what would happen if I just chose not to get back on that airplane. I had such a great trip. It's not to say that I was dreading returning to my life in Arizona because I most certainly enjoy my life here, but it was hard to say goodbye to St. Paul.

I was so blessed by conversations this past week. I had so many cups of coffee with people and it proved to be incredibly therapeutic and reviving to my spirit. I went to new levels of conversation with a few friends and just delighted and reveled in it. Others challenged me and had impressive insight to my current life. Others still put value in what I think and feel about church things and wanted to pick my brain to get input. It was such an amazing range of conversations and I'm not sure that I recall having felt so valued, loved, and respected as a professional, friend, and person.

Another thing that has blessed me this past week...
God showed me in such bold and obvious ways how several of my friends have just blossomed and grown in the past 6 or 8 months. I have some freaking amazing friends, folks. I can't even tell you. These people are ministry gurus, insightful minds, caring hearts, thoughtful characters, challenging students, and talented professionals. And most are a combination of the aforementioned qualities!! It's like when you haven't seen a little child for a long amount of time and you see them again and can't believe how tall they are! I couldn't believe how much so many of my friends have grown as people and even though I've been far away, I have grown in depth of relationship with them. Very cool.

I went snowtubing this week. I got snow burn. Yes, it is possible. And it hurts.

Something that challenged me this past week...
I had a very long conversation with a middle aged millionaire man on one of the airplane rides. He was (and I would assume still is) an atheist. He didn't come out and say it directly but he said that he renounced religions of all kinds. I just pray that God blessed and used that conversation. It was a challenging on for me in that he kept poking at Christianity and tried to really dig in at me, but I didn't let him. He mentioned how he couldn't stand pious religious know-it-alls and I think he was surprised when I agreed. He said he couldn't ever appreciate an organization that would deny people entrance for not being perfect. I said that I agreed and that I would never make it in to a club like that. He informed me that I would never have much money in "my line of work" and when I shared my heart for helping people in Africa, he informed me I wouldn't help much since I didn't have any money. He also informed me that he could still love people who are poor and not give them money or feel bad about having money. We talked for 3 hours. He couldn't understand how people who claim to follow the most peaceful and forgiving man that ever walked the earth could be so evil, selfish, and intolerant. I told him about Blue Like Jazz when a group of Christians at a predominately agnostic university decided to set up a confession booth but instead of hearing the confessions, the Christians were giving them. He was intrigued. I pray God works in Matt's life in a huge way.

I was prodded to question some things this week...
Where is the church heading and how are those changes going to affect me in a leadership position? How does ministry change and what does that mean for the LCMS and Church at large? What does it mean to love people? To serve others, I must make certain that am being served--a sick doctor cannot heal. What does it mean to be a woman of God? What does my future look like--what are some possibilities? Many of my friends are married or are getting to that point...what a transformation in them! How have I grown in the past 6 months? What do I need to be intentional about working on? How could I have lost such sight of my passion for people in ministry? Day to day tasks can take over. (so many people asked..)How is living alone?? It's been good to reflect on how much I've grown in that experience. How has God gifted me and where can those gifts be best utilized in His Kingdom? How do we overcome the wounds of our childhood that continue to surface? How is it going to be when I leave CSP for good? What's it going to be like to leave friends behind and not see anyone for extremely long periods of time? How am I going to handle really being on my own outside of this trial run? Lots of questions.

My flight home was completely the opposite of my flight to MN as I conversed with Matt. I tried to sleep on my flight home. My heart was aching and overwhelmed with loss. The flight attendant came over the speaker and informed everyone they could use their electronics. I turned on my iPod, knowing that the battery was low. It would end up dying later, but for awhile it served as some comfort in some way. Blast loud music in my ears has always been therapuetic to me. Something about music being so loud that it blasts out the thoughts and emotions that are overtaking my mind. I closed my eyes as the familiar tune to Say by John Mayer began. I almost cried. It was the same song that I listened to on my flight from Amsterdam back to the Cities by myself after I'd said goodbye to everyone there and knew I wouldn't see them for a long time.

I remember hurting a whole lot then. I recalled what I was feeling at that point and remembered that I felt like there was so much left unsaid with several people. That they didn't know how I felt about them. That I wasn't honest and real with them. That I had failed our friendships with silence.

This time, however, as John sang, I felt peace. It sounds corny, I know, but I said what I needed to say. I felt good about how I left everyone. I didn't feel like anything was held back, that I was myself, that I was real. For one of the first times in my life, I felt like people were seeing me for me and it was sooo good. It didn't make me feel completely better, but I found peace in how things were left with friends. My heart still ached to be with them, but I knew that all was well and if nothing else, I'd see them in heaven (hopefully significantly sooner though).

Josiah greeted me at the airport curb. With a hug and a half smile he said, "it's so good to see you, but I know how you feel." He was right. I wasn't thrilled about being away from so many of my loves once again. I'm blessed, though, to have him here. I'm so blessed by my church and internship experience here. I'm so blessed both here and far. I'm sooo soo blessed.

I pray that God would continue to remind me how blessed I am when I get crabby. And that when things do seem grim later on, that he reminds me that "God is." In the midst of chaos, God is. He is peace, joy, sovereignty, love, power, control, constant, comfort, forever. God is. Psalm 46:1-2 was our reflecting passage for the DCE retreat and this is the phrase I'm clinging to. The first two words...in the midst of a swirling mind, sometimes that's all I need to know.

Truth & Choices.

2009-01-21T17:19:00.000-06:00

Why is it that self-doubt can prevail over God's truth time and time again? It's a cyclical struggle for me. It comes over me, the Truth of who God claims me to be defeats the lie, and then it happens all over again. It often happens when I'm in the presence of people who hold the same gifts that I possess. It's a game of comparing and wondering if people would choose them or me if it ever came down to picking. This all goes back to my last entry about being the "est." It's so ingrained in me.

I'm always looking at the greener grass instead of reveling in the Truth God delights in me (Psalm 18:19). I'm just baffled at how easy it is to trade in God's Truth for the cruddy lies that satan sells. My professor last year used to tell us every week that we were beloved children of God. We would laugh because it was just the kind of thing that rolled off after awhile, but really truly letting it sink in and being reminded of the hugeness of that from time to time will blow you away.

Amidst these attitudes, I often have to really stop and just beg God to help me stand on His Truth of who He says I am. It changes everything. Knowing your loved and believing that you're loved are two very different things. Believing that love is something I struggle with, but God is the author and perfecter of my faith and I believe that He is healing me in that area more and more everyday.

Choose. It's a buzz word in the Lutheran realm of theology and doctrine and rightly so. We can't choose God. He chooses us. We can choose to believe. The Holy Spirit leads us to faith. I love a song that's called "the Blessing" Here are the lyrics that I just soak up:

"let it be said of us
that we gave to reach the dying
let it be said of us
by the fruit we leave behind
let it be said of us that our legacy is blessing for life

let it be said of us
that our hearts belonged to Jesus
let it be said of us
that we spoke the words of life
let it be said of us
that our heritage is blessing for life"

My favorite part is "let it be said of us that our hearts belong to Jesus." What a great legacy to leave! The chorus says:

this day you set life, you set death right before us, this day
every blessing and curse is a choice now
and we will choose to be a blessing for life

I never knew how to take that. I mean, with my strong aversion to the word "choose," I didn't really know what to do with the fact that I really like the concept of it. I mean, we do have a choice in the morning to claim God's Truth about who we are and share that joy with others or to buy into the lies and tear people as far down as we feel we are. Well, it just so happened that I heard a Bible verse read and it turns out that this chorus is based directly on a Scripture verse.

Deuteronomy 30:19-20 says:
This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him.

Wow. It's in God's Word! I don't think God was speaking here about choosing God or choosing to have faith. He was already talking to the Israelites. It's not a faith choosing thing. They already have faith. It's a statement to the Israelites that is saying this is your choice--to live to the fullest life that God has blessed you with or to call upon yourself curses and pain. When it says "choose life," I don't think God was talking about choosing heaven, but choosing to live the life to the full that He has already given us here on earth. Are we going to build others up or tear them down? Are we going to live asking God why we have to do this or that instead of jumping up and saying "here am I..send me!" This day..He sets life and death before us.

In His presence we have life and life to the full. We are free from who the world tells us we are and from the looming stares of our enemies. We are God's beloved children. People created to be loved. So this day...choose to live in the life giving love, that others might live too.

you will never be the "est"

2009-01-15T01:10:00.000-06:00

(this is an article I wrote for an upcoming church newsletter)

Have you ever wanted to be an “est”? All of the time I hear my high school students and my college friends talk about who is the smartest, funniest, prettiest, nicest, richest or the best at any number of things. We are a culture that is obsessed with competition and being the best at something no matter how great or small. We long to be an “est,” while secretly hoping that it will be the key to greatness and wholeness. One of my professors refers to this as "the temptation to be spectacular." I would venture to say that I am more guilty of the “est” infatuation than most. I find it especially heartwrenching when I am not the “est” of whatever it is that I think I am good at. The truth is that there will always be someone better, stronger, prettier, more talented, and more put together than you or me. Our quest for “est” is declared superfluous. We are destined for mediocrity and potentially a spot below the average line.

One of my all time favorite Bible passages speaks to this desire for “est” and our failure to achieve it. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says “Your grace is sufficient for me.” In the following verse, Paul writes “when I am weak, then I am strong.” You see, when we realize how powerless we are and pride is removed from the equation, Christ’s strength fills in the gaps. Ephesians 3:20 says, “now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” He works through the people that do not make the cut. We would never make it on our own. Jesus came for that very reason—to give us His best. We are freed from the quest for "est" because we will never be enough on our own. Thanks be to our God whose love and grace for us is the greatest.

2008...yeah, it was pretty great.

2009-01-01T12:33:00.000-06:00

Well, it's 2009 and it has been too bad (nor too eventful) thus far.

So here's a recap of 2008...not sure how much of it I remember, but I've been trying and have come up with a few things.

January
-Spent New Years in the "little Apple" of Manhattan, Kansas with friends.
-Trying on bridesmaid dresses for my bff from high school's wedding.
-I got my first passport!
-A massive Schwalm family gathering complete with many guitars and voices making music.
-Returning to school with a new attitude and outlook on life after reading 3 books over Christmas break (it's a lot for me).
-Was determined to make 2008 the best year yet (I don't think I did too darn bad at this).
-Said goodbye to my sister as she left for the Middle East to serve our country.
-This whole idea of "Sabbath" makes its first appearance in my life. It's so funny to think about--I feel good that it's pretty much understood now. It was a rough start though.
-Ice skating night in Minne
-Practicum teaching at Trinity First began. What a journey and awesome learning experience!

February
-I was soo blessed to literally watch God restructure my Fish team. The fall semester was full of changes and things, but by February, God had provided and put together an amazing team. I seriously and honestly couldn't have asked for a better group of people who loved playing together and did so well. God, that was awesome how You did that!
-Pre-intern retreat. What a mind blower! I thought about prayer in more ways that I knew possible and grew closer to my awesome classmates. :)
-Another spring break in St. Paul...at the end of February...a trip to Arkansas fell through, but it was good times in the Cities. I don't remember everything, but I know I spent time hanging out with people, doing homework, going to the Walker in Minneapolis, dinner at the Reinecks, MLK rally...probably lots of other random happenings.

March
-March was indeed the month that I said goodbye to the beloved Topaz. It had been sitting idle in one of the university lots for awhile and we finally let it go. Sigh.
-This was the month of so many awful, cold early mornings that Andy and I got up to run morning Tiger Club. Okay..so it wasn't that awful, but to get to Trinity First by 6am in -15 degree weather, isn't exactly a blast. Plus, the kids aren't necessarily thrilled to be there either.

tiger mountain...you don't want to get your pin moved down it!

-I enjoyed more and more doing field work at Woodbury and getting to know the girls of my small group. We had some awesome chats in the spring.
-My parish project....it was a stressful time, but my kids did so wonderfully. :)
-I had my first Easter at home in 3 years! Egg hunts with my little cousin.
-This was the month of utter anticipation about internship sites. We were to the point that we almost couldn't take it anymore!! And then I found out I was heading to ARIZONA for the next year!

The interns at the placement service.

-The university began a very rough journey as we said goodbye to Randy. :(
-Saying goodbye to the kids that stole my heart at Trinity First and entering the high school world of religion classes. Always an interesting journey...

April
-Spring Fling! We rode on a river boat on the Mississippi!!
-I took my first excursion to northern Minnesota! We went to Pequot for Andy & Steph's wedding. Who'da thought that there'd be a ton of snow for a wedding at the end of April? Only in Minnesota. We had a blast though. (Even though we might've got lost, I called for directions, wrote them on my hand, and then when we got stuck in the snow I went out to push the car and the directions washed off.....oops.)

-Wedding prep for the now Anna & Adam Koglin wedding. :) Including Anna's sweet Hawaiian wedding shower!
-Internship Orientation--Meeting my supervisor for the first time. Hahah. And learning what this whole internship thing would be about.

May
-Lots of vaccinations for going overseas...which would later cost me an arm and a leg.
-The Fonies--Bri and I had the most amazing puppet show ever...and the STAGE board did a darn good job, if I do say so myself!

"The freshmen" (Tim, me, & MaryLynn) now as juniors at the Fonies...also the STAGE board.

-Knollapalooza--our last time playing together as a Fish team. What a great time it was...I really miss that team!

the team :)

-Once again we hosted the choir festival with Christus and sang at Orchestra Hall.
-Leaving Woodbury--soooo hard.
-Graduation weekend--the blur of my life....moving out all of my residents, singing for 4 graduations, my parents coming & moving me out in between them (leaving me with just a suitcase), and our bon voyage concert. Yikes. I have fond memories of having to stay with a friend because I had no bedding left. They were all playing the Wii and somehow I fell asleep for about 4 hours. It was a long weekend. (that next day, we flew out for Ghana)
-Leaving Concordia....friends, professors, classes, dorms, college life.....for a whole year and knowing that everything will be different when I come back. There were some tears.
-GOING TO AFRICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This has been one of the highlights of my life thus far. I can't even begin to describe it. Our choir tour was pretty cool--we got to sing with all of these other choirs. We were introduced to Ghanaian High Life music. We got to see so many sights, go hiking, be in the ocean from the other side of the world, go in the rain forest, eat different foods, and just be emmersed in a culture that is so incredibly different from ours. Paul and I's luggage got lost, there were scary bugs, and some experiences that really bonded us. It was one of the most significant experiences of my life with some of the most significant people in my life. It was an incredible experience and I can't wait to get back!
-In Amsterdam, I had to say goodbye to everyone and I knew many of them would be goodbyes for an extremely long time. I flew home to Kansas City by myself. I had a wedding to be in just 2 days after I got home.
-Anna and Mike's wedding. I had tan lines and some crazy skin issues from Africa, but we had a great time, it was lovely and I was so blessed to be apart of it!

June
-I was at home.
-I mowed about 5 days a week. The other two were for cleaning the house and such.
-I cleaned my room and tried to separate "internship things," "college things," and "home things."
-My first time living with my sister Angie since I was in 8th grade. Yeah...........
-I got this very laptop that I'm typing on...but don't be fooled, this summer was seriously about the poorest I've ever been.
-Debbie's apartment caught on fire while she was deployed. We spent weeks cleaning and sorting for insurance. The news filmed the apartment.

July
-Went to the Cardinals/Royals series in Kansas City with Dad, Angie, & Kent.
-I drove back to the Cities. What an awesome trip! I spent a night in the Cities with Josh & Jameson and saw a few people.
-Drove to Anna's and loved staying with her for awhile before anyone else came and wedding stuff started to pick up. It was so great doing that.
-Anna and Adam's wedding!! Whoo hoo! What a blast!
-Left early the next day, stopped in the Cities for lunch and was home by 9:30 that night. 4 or 5 days later, we left for Phoenix.
-Mom and Dad and I drove out west and it was a long trip. (I'm not really looking forward to doing it again, actually...ha!) They dropped me off and my stuff and were gone within 2 hours.
-Internship began!!! I met the youth my first day here, the next day I left for staff retreat for a few days and had a great time beginning to get to know them all.
-Texting entered my life. So did a new phone. :)
-I got my first tastes of life on my own in the "adult" world. Going to work, paying bills, having my own place...it's been a good experience.

August
-I turned 22.
-I became a music teacher for K-4...we play that one by ear. :)
-I started going to Camber.
-Actually turned in my "getting started" packet on time.
-Josiah came to Phoenix, too! Yay for friends!
-Si and I did a night hike of Squaw peak--amazing to see the city lights.
-Bri and I come up with our plan to start our band! I'm so pumped!

September
-Started the youth worship team--one of the coolest things that has happened during internship.
-Helping 2 pastors move in the same week!
-Hosting the ladies from the office for Bunco.
-HS lock-in and service projects--they're doing awesome.
-Josiah and I met Stewart in Phoenix. What an awesome night.
-Being challenged by this internship journey...the newness wears off and I began to challenge myself to live in the moment.

October
-Bringing some youth into Sunday morning worship leading.
-Skype changed my life. You think I'm kidding.

a picture Nikki took of Matt & I while we were talking on Skype

-Saw Josiah's theatre debut of Prince Charming in Cinderella.
-I saw the amazing JJ Heller in concert!
-I got a bike to use for the year.
-Debbie got home!
-Helping lead confirmation retreat
-Dealing with my first flat tire on my own...I think that's kind of a landmark experience.
-THE CARD -- I got this amazing card from my lovely friends at Concordia. Tons of signatures covered this gigantic card and now it adorns my office wall. :)
-Halloween with the Brinkman's..good times. :)

November
-The presidential elections. I think most of us were glad that the campaigns were over.
-Kevin came out to visit..only for a day, but it was great to have him here!
-I colored my hair for the first time...sort of a big deal for me.
-Women of Faith conference--a very cool experience
-The words "Christmas program" began to frequent themselves in my vocabulary.
-Home for Thanksgiving! My first time home since internship began. The first time my family was reunited since my sister began her deployment.
-Bought another bridesmaid dress..this one for Holly's wedding next fall.
-Met up with some JW people for the first time since high school graduation.

December
-I got back into running & exercising--not doing too shabby.
-Light parade in Chandler!
-We are the Division II Champions again!
-I hosted the area DCE's for the Christmas party and monthly gathering.
-Staff Christmas party--whoo hoo!
-Debbie came to visit! Sedona!
-Christmas programs happened and went quite well. Phew.
-We lost a member of our praise team. We'll miss you, Josh.
-Christmas Eve came and went in a big blur.
-Christmas Day! Fun morning with Brinkmans and lots of others for the rest of the day. A rainy day in Phoenix.
-Mom came to visit and stayed until New Years Eve. Papago park & the Zoolights. Sooo much fun having her here.

Well...that's my year in review...I'm sure I missed some stuff, but overall, it's been a great year. I tried to hold to the resolution of making it my best year yet and just living in the moment. That is my prayer for 2009 as well.

So far in 2009, I haven't got out of my pj's so maybe I should work on that. Ha!

Peace and blessings in 09.

So this is Christmas...

2008-12-31T13:50:00.000-06:00

I'm learning and have learned lots of things this year. Not just DCE intern things, but lots of different things. When I think about 2008, I can't believe how much has happened and how much I have done in the past year. Even the past week has been jam packed!

The last few weeks have flown by, which have followed the pattern of the whole previous year. My sister was here the week before Christmas and it was great to show her around the area and I even got to see and do some things down here that I hadn't done either. The highlight was going to Sedona.

Sedona red rocks

My sister & I at the tumble weed Christmas tree..haha

My sister left the day before Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve was a huge day! My voice was pretty rough, but there were 5 services to be held. One of our contemporary worship teams lead the first two services and they went quite well. The last three were more traditional. I got to sing through the first two services and there wasn't too much left of my voice, but I had a solo to do for the 9pm service. I also did Children's messages at the first two services as well. Then at the 11pm service, I read the Scriptures. It was a full night, but it was pretty fun and went pretty quickly. We went out and got McDonalds before the last service. It kinda made me feel like I was back at college. Haha.

Christmas Day was fun. It was definitely different, but it was a reality check that Christmases and Easters here on out (for the most part) aren't going to be in Kansas with my family when I'm in church work. That's just the way things are. I digress. Christmas was fun! I got to share Christmas with some friends here. Christmas morning with little kids around is so much fun to watch. They are bursting with excitement! We joined a larger family for the rest of the day and played games and such. I was excited about the Christmas tradition of hiking on Christmas Day, but it rained all day...in Phoenix! I'd been looking forward to that for a long time, but I'll have to hike Camelback some other time before I leave.

The day after Christmas, my mom arrived. I've had an absolutely wonderful time having her down here. We've had so much fun being out and about. It's been great that even though I wasn't home for Christmas, having my sister and my mom to visit made it feel like home is here. My mom loved seeing the cactus and palm trees. She was so excited when we went hiking and she got to get close to a big Saguaro.

Amidst holidays and visitors, one of the members of our praise team at church passed away a few days before Christmas. We played a few songs for his funeral on Monday. He was a guy that was so full of joy and life that it was comforting to know that He had so much of the joy of our Lord within Him. It's still difficult to watch such a young man leave us and his young friends have to cope with such a huge loss.

I know it probably sounds strange, but being at Josh's funeral really brought home the Christmas theme of our services from Christmas Eve this year. The theme was light and how Jesus was/is the light in the world and it's a light that no darkness can overcome. Not even by the darkness of death, can this Light be darkened. Emmanuel, our Light that is with us, draws near and holds us in a time where things seem bleak and difficult. He is that hope and that light. I sang the Chris Tomlin song, I Will Rise, that has some incredibly powerful words. I think I've mentioned it before on my blog, but it was so powerful. There's a part at the end that's talks about all of the angels and saints gathered around the throne singing "worthy is the Lamb."

I think of Mary. Kneeling over her Son's crib and just basking in the joy of her Child. Overwhelmed with love for this tiny baby and with no ability to see how much pain she would be pierced with at His death. I wonder what her dreams for Him were. I wonder what she thought He would be or do. I wonder what she saw when she looked into His future. Then when she watched Him hang on that cross, be pierced with a spear, and eventually be brought down and wrapped in cloth. I wonder if she thought of that night in the cave, when she was kneeling over His infant body, wondering what He would become. Never dreaming that this was where the road led. Now she was kneeling over His lifeless body wrapped in cloth. This is what I wonder about Josh's mom. Being there at the beginning of His life and then at the end. Not for a second, however, willing to give up the pain for the experience of being a mother to ones who were so beloved. What a way to think of Christmas. What a different perspective of the Story.

The last few weeks have felt like a whole year. I might try to do a "year in review" sometime here today. I know there'd be some good highlights. Tonight is New Year's Eve with a bunch of folks..it'll be fun. :)

January will be another month full of events and visitors! And who knows what 2009 will bring! God's blessings of peace and joy for the New Year!

Gifts...bigger than you think.

2008-12-17T22:48:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow is the first half of Christmas programs! I feel pretty calm and good about the programs tomorrow and Friday. I think everything is organized and hopefully it'll run smoothly. I'm happy not to be stressed about it. Whatever happens, happens.

My sister is here visiting and it's been nice to hear about her life and to show her a glimpse of mine. It's like getting to know a new friend!

I know it's not even Christmas yet, but I was thinking through the set list and the worship service for the Sunday following Christmas. The text is going to be the song of Simeon and the pastors want to focus on Jesus being the gift of Christmas that is unwrapped. When Mary and Joseph took their Baby Boy to Simeon, he would've had to pull back the blanket that Jesus was wrapped in, in order to see Him. We open so many gifts and watch others open gifts as well, but that's so temporary. Jesus is that gift that is sent to us on Christmas! He is the gift of light and life that came down to us on Christmas and continues to do so. Not only do we get the joy of unwrapping this gift of Jesus by digging further into His Word, praying to Him, and worshipping Him, but we see an even greater gift in Him. When Jesus died on the cross, He was laid in a tomb that was sealed tightly and was never intended to be opened by those who had it sealed. But God, like a Father of a tiny child who is unable to open her own gifts, opened the tomb and brought the gift of the resurrection to us that we might have life as well. The greatest gift opening ever!

"But the gift is not like the trespass. For if the many died by the trespass of the one man, how much more did God's grace and the gift that came by the grace of the one man, Jesus Christ, overflow to the many!" Romans 5:15

Gifts are fun to open and fun to give. I pray that as you open gifts during Christmas, it'll remind you of the gift that Jesus is this Christmas and the gift that God opened for us when He rose. It makes everything else seem so minuscule. Oh, how our Father loves us. :)

Waiting for January to see you again.

2008-12-13T22:52:00.000-06:00

I'm trying really hard not to feel lonely.

The Cities Sampler isn't doing much to help the situation.

I don't know if it's actually being lonely or just really, really missing some of my friends.

hope for the holidays.

2008-12-08T21:40:00.000-06:00

Well, it's been almost a whole week since I got back from Thanksgiving, but it seriously feels like I've been back for 2 days. I've just been so on the go since I've been back.

Let's see...Thanksgiving...
It was really great to be home!
-I got to hang out with my family and have some fun with them.
-My mom, aunt, and I went shopping on black Friday which has become such an awesome tradition. We had so much fun and got some great deals!!
-I got to spend some quality time with Holly & Spencer as well some time with Amy and Joey.
-I met up with some friends from my 2nd high school that I hadn't seen in probably 3 years.
-I got to spend an afternoon catching up with my pastor from high school and his wife.
-I tried on yet another bridesmaid dress.

I think that's about it.

It was one of the best holidays that I've had at home in a long time. All of the girls in the kitchen looking at store ads and laughing about things that don't even make sense. This will be my first Christmas away from home. The holidays just seem so different this year.

I had a very insightful chat with my pastor from home and he has such a heart for missions and reaching out to people in our own backyard. I wonder how many people with great hearts for ministry have been burned by politics like he has. This institution that we call "church" doesn't often resemble much of what it means to be "the Church." So many fights happen about things that are mere adiophora. We lose sight of what's true, right, and good--sharing the Gospel with people who need hope.

Christmas often seems like a lot of adiophora to me. I could take it or leave it. There's so much hooplah and it usually ends up being more work than fun. But there was a night...that a baby came into the world; a baby that lay in a wooden manger. A baby that would one day hang on a wooden cross. That's our God.

I pray that all of the lights, decorations, the glitz and glam of the season, doesn't blind us from seeing Jesus come down to us. Our Prince of Peace. Our Light of the World. He came that night as a baby, He will come on the last day, and He continues to come down to us day after day to be our Savior. May that be the meditation of our hearts this holiday season.

Getting outta here soon...

2008-11-25T21:39:00.000-06:00

I should be packing right now...or cleaning the kitchen.

I'm flying out in the morning to go home for a week. :)

My bag is sitting at my feet...a couple of pairs of shoes next to me. I'm trying to figure out if I have room to pack both black and brown color schemes.

Rob Bell is talking in the background. I'm going to have to rewatch "luggage." It's one of the 18 Nooma videos I got with my fatty gift card from Amazon.com.

Laundry is tossing about. The windows are open and the cool breeze feels a little chilly, but kinda nice. I'm wondering how my body is going to receive the cold air of the midwest.

I went to the Women of Faith conference over the weekend. It was really good. I got some really cool key concepts to mull over in my head and heart. I also go to see Nicole C. Mullen and Mandesa. They were both amazing.

Worship at church on Sunday was just soo good for some reason. Like, I just felt really into it and it was nice to leave really feeling uplifted and rejuvenated. Sunday night we had our Thanksgiving meal with the youth group. I was so impressed at all of them bringing food. We had such a good time with it.

I hope I have everything together for the week that I'm gone. Like, that I didn't forget anything. I'm really excited to get home and see family and friends. :) See what the rents think of my newest hairdo and be able to spend some quality time with people.

I'm getting to the point that I don't really care if I leave my place clean...my mom said she couldn't imagine me having a messy apartment. :) Haha.

tired...but more to say than I thought...

2008-11-19T23:17:00.000-06:00

I’m really tired.

But a good tired. A tired like I’ve been doing things that are productive all day.

Work has been kind of all over the place lately. I’m pretty busy around church and there’s some stress that’s on me just because there’s a lot to do and think about. But it’s good.

I feel kinda silly because I feel like I should update my blog, but really, there’s not a whole lot of exciting things to share. I’m going home for Thanksgiving next week, so that’s exciting. I also am going to the Women of Faith conference this weekend and I’m pretty jazzed about that. I’ve heard so many great things about it and Nicole C. Mullen is going to be there. :)

I’ve been having some financial stress lately…I know lots of people have, so I’m trying to just suck it up, but still. Being an adult is a lot more difficult in that area than I thought. I hate being so responsible for paying bills, balancing a budget, etc, etc. Not my fav.

I really need to make some friends here. I’ve spent several evenings in a row at home by myself and it’s starting to wear on me. Either I’m here by myself or I’m with little kids. Tonight was nice though..we went out for Tammy’s birthday, so it was cool to hang out with the people from the office outside of the office.

I’m excited to head home and reconnect with some people there.

I’ve had a weird realization this past week. I’m virtually alone and independent. In all reality, I could do whatever I want with my life. There’s nothing stopping me from moving to another country, or starting a band, or working at Starbucks. There’s not really any limitations on what is to come after college. And as of right now, I only have to worry about taking care of me, which makes my life quite flexible and open to options and opportunities. We’ll see what God brings my way. I really have no idea.

In other news….I’ve wanted to free write, write poetry, and especially write songs lately….but there’s nothing there. I don’t really ever remember having such a block. Sigh. I hope it goes away. I want to be creative over Thanksgiving break. I think I’m going to take my guitar home, even if it costs a little extra.

I’m really actually quite happy right now. I’ve been asking God for His joy lately and it is becoming my strength. I’m tried of just being stressed and complaining about what I have to do. He is my joy. This comes to a bit of a surprise to me at the moment because I’m really lonesome for my friends, but God is sustaining me.

I heard a message on K-Love tonight on the way home about God’s timing. Boy, I’m trying to be patient and open to what He has going on. I’m having a hard time not being in control, but God is faithful.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.."

2008-11-11T00:10:00.000-06:00

After a week and weekend that I questioned this whole "being in ministry" thing, I had a really great conversation today.

My pastor asked how "discerning my call" was going. I responded with a flat, "I don't know." I'm sure he was annoyed by that. It's my answer to a lot of his questions. It just takes me a bit to think and respond. But with this question, I truly don't know. I've thought about it a lot, too. I'm just at a loss at this point.

I told him that I always thought I'd be in youth ministry hanging out with kids. It's my emphasis...whatever that means. After being here, I just don't see it as what I'll end up doing. He expected that. I love them and all...and I even like doing that, but I don't think it's the thing. Then, I wasn't really prepared for what he had to say. He told me, "Shelly, you can really do anything that you want to, which is really pretty incredible. It's just a matter of you discerning the call that God has place on your heart."

Ugh. In one light, I was so encouraged. Like, to know that this ministry thing is really something that I'm meant to be in...I can't say how gratifying that is. However, to know that this whole field is open wide, is kind of unnerving.

It's like being in a small boat on the ocean. What an adventure! You can see so many things, have big adventures, go anywhere. But then you realize...HOLY CRAP! It's the ocean!! I could be swallowed up at any moment, tossed by a wave, thrown to the sharks! There's this huge sense of unknown. My innate need to control goes ballistic.

Then I think back only a few years ago. I ended up living in a van. Going to a different place almost everyday with people that I'd met only months before. We never knew where our next meal would be, what it would be, if we'd even have a bed to sleep in, or be in a safe place. Everything was so out of my control. Everything. But for some reason, it didn't matter. God is faithful and always provided for us. It wasn't until about month 8, that this realization came over me as we traveled to yet another church. Even then, it didn't worry me. God had proved Himself so faithful all of those other months that He will lead and He will provide.

The door is wide open.

My heart aches for Africa and serving overseas for an amount of time. I can't help but think that there's no good reason why I shouldn't move there for some amount of time and actually physically help people. There are so many orphans and hurting people--we know about it. What reason do I have not to? It's so heavy on my heart. My passion has always been music and there's nothing like leading people in worship. Time melts away, the world is right, and it's just peace. It just is. There's people. I love people. :) Ministry is about people...so okay, in some way, shape, or form that will be covered. I like teaching too, I think. I could see campus ministry creeping into the picture as well. The world is my playground. And God...while You are preparing whatever it is You have for my future, if You could some how put missions in Africa, traveling music ministry, worship leading, and having a family all into one, that'd be really amazing. Thanks!

What's on my heart? That's so difficult to say what's truly on my heart. I've spent so long disconnecting myself from those messages of my heart. Now, knowing that it's the only thing that makes sense...I'm trying so hard to reconnect and actually listen to it. To feel. To know what my passions and dreams are. To know that it's okay to love and be loved. It's all so intense and new though. Just like me and my life...always unfolding.

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. :) Good thing I don't have to decide tonight.

Sunday, bloody Sunday.

2008-11-10T00:54:00.001-06:00

Another Sunday come and gone.

It was a very good one though! :) Worship went well.
I got to take a nap.
Core and youth group went pretty quickly.

The weekend was really good. I got my sassy new haircut/color on Friday and that's been exciting! Friday night was spent at a high school football game with a mom of a youth (we had to sit far enough away from the youth as not to embarrass them... haha..I'm already losing cool points). Afterward the kids came over to her house and I spent the evening hearing hilarious stories from my youth. The rest of the night was spent discussing ministry with my friend. She's really trying to push and challenge me. I really appreciate that. This week has been such a draining one. I know that I need to take steps to make sure that doesn't become the norm, but sometimes my coping mechanism is to vent. I need to get it out and then I'll be okay. If it's really intense, then I'll take further steps. I think I don't really have people to vent to except for those who try to fix it or it's their job to challenge me to grow in that area. I just want to have someone that nods. Haha. And a little empathy.

In this, I learned a lesson about myself. I could definitely do less advice giving and more of simply listening.

I got to have some nice down time on Saturday morning and spent the afternoon with Si. We walked around...pretty much our norm. Lunch and walk about. Haha. Occasionally ice cream. He got recognized by a little girl and her mom as "Prince Charming." How cute! I died laughing. :)

Last night I watched "Definitely, Maybe." I couldn't believe how much I liked it. It was such a cool way to tell a story in a movie. I was totally sucked in. Then I caught myself assigning people that I know to the different characters in the movie. I feel like I identified with April..in several ways. I know lots of Will's and Emily's. I'm not really sure about Summer, though. I'll have to think about it more. I genuinely felt for Will.. Oh man. I just really liked this movie. It took place in New York too. That's always a plus.

So my mom is coming out to visit in December (after Christmas). I'm really, really pumped about that! I wish my dad were coming too...but whatev. It'll be nice to have some "mom time." And I get the feeling it might be better off just having her out here. What can you do?

There was a crazy weird dust storm today! I woke up from a nap to howling wind. Then I heard a loud sound on the roof tops. It was RAINING! I couldn't believe it! It was only for a few minutes and it stopped, but rain nonetheless. After that, a big dust storm rolled in. I was sitting in my office watching trees and building disappear behind the wall of dust. People were saying that they'd never seen a "cold" dust storm before. They're usually during monsoons in the summer. It was bizarre. I hate the smell of dust that gets caught in your nose and how it just blankets everything. I just cleaned my patio and my car needs a bath. Other than that, the weather has been lovely.

In other news...I've joined a small group at Camber and am looking at taking some community courses like a dance class or photography. We'll see. It could be cool..and maybe some potential for new friends.

I need sleep. G'night! Blessings on your week!

Fill my cup and let it overflow....

2008-11-06T00:16:00.001-06:00

Phew. I'm kinda weary.

There seems to be so much going on in the lives of people around me. I've been busy with stuff at church, but also busy with the Church. There's so many people that are hurting, struggling, dealing with things they shouldn't have to, and just in need of care.

My heart is heavy with the burdens of many. There are so many who need prayer and support. I love being able to be that.

However, I'm finding it to be true, that I, too, need to find a support system. It's even more important whilst I'm trying to minister to the hurting, to make sure that I'm being ministered to and filled up. It's so difficult though.

While Kevin was here, we talked quite a bit about setting boundaries as well as making more connections outside of the church community. Well, both of those things are contributing to the fatigue that I'm beginning to feel. I need to make sure I'm not taking on too much, but not just that, also making sure that I'm being filled up and supported.

It's shalom. Ever since I worked at a camp with that name, I've embraced the concept. When we think of the Hebrew word, shalom or peace, I think we often think of a lack of unrest. We think there is nothing wrong. But "shalom" takes it a step further. It also means wholeness. Not only is there an absence of all things that are wrong, hurtful, bad, and of the evil one, but it means that all is complete, filled, and satisfied. It means that all is "very good" and that life is "to the full." It's not those "eh" days where nothing is bad, but nothing is really that great either.

I'm praying for shalom. That being lonely, over committed, and stressed would cease to exist, while God would place encouraging friends in my life, time to be enjoyed, and joy in simply serving Him.

So I my plea is another Hebrew word. Hosanna.

Working Saturday

2008-11-01T12:51:00.000-05:00

This week has flown by!

I wrote an entry last night that contained highlights from the week, but my computer decided to hate me and a lost it. I was too defeated to try again.

Today, however, I must catch up on some work that should've been done awhile ago and that I can have ready for Kevin to come tomorrow! I'm excited for him to visit and check out the church and everything! :)

Well, maybe if I get stuff done today, I'll redo my "recap of my week."

Wait a minute, Mr. Postman!

2008-10-27T02:52:00.001-05:00

Have you ever wondered if sending a card really matters at all??

Like "who cares if I do or don't send cards to people"... I've often thought that myself. However, this week, I will tell you that I have been SOOO uplifted by simply receiving a card. This was no simple card, mind you. This card is about 18 inches high!!! I was just thrilled about receiving a delivery that had to be held in the leasing office. Then, I see it's a huge card and that made me smile a lot. It even made the girl in the office smile! :D

I got back to my apartment and began to open it. I thought it was just something that Matt had sent to give me a smile. WRONG!!! It was FILLED with messages and signatures from so many of my friends at Concordia!! I got a little teary-eyed as I began to read all of the messages of joy and love. :) I really miss all of those lovely people, but I was sooo incredibly blessed to receive that card from everyone. I was overwhelmed with love and care. :D

A huge reminder sent by God to tell me that I'm loved and regardless of what satan tries to tell me, I'm not alone. I have a family. They might not be blood related or people that I live with, but they are definitely family.

That card...it's going in my office. Matt asked me if it made my day. I responded, "no, it didn't." "It made my week, month, year, life!" :D

Seriously. Beaming.

"Jesus has overcome..and the grave is overwhelmed."

2008-10-22T23:30:00.000-05:00

After a week that's been riddled with tricks from our enemy, a few really cool things come to mind this evening...

The first...something that happen a couple of weeks ago, that I've still just been relishing in. :) I was with our pastor's family for dinner and their little girl was acting out a bit. Pastor David said "It's too bad that you have to act like that when we have company." She replied, "Daddy, there's no company here." He said, "Yeah, because Miss Shelly is family, right?" And she yelled, "right!"

I melted. I obviously am still carrying that with me. Things like that get me through the days when it's hard to be all the way out here.

The second thing happened today.

So, I've been mentoring one of the youth here in leading a youth worship team. I had a meeting with him today and we were discussing our last rehearsal. I didn't sing with them this past week like I usually do because we have a limited amount of available mics. We were reflecting upon the past week and I asked him how that worked and if he wanted me to sing with them anymore. He asked me if was asking if he wanted me to sing with them or needed me too. I said it was all up to him. His response was, "I don't think we need you anymore." I was so proud and happy. I finally felt like I was fulfilling my role as an equipper (yeah..don't tell Derek and Marilyn..haha). Today, I was finally able to grasp what the whole equipping thing is all about. They're doing ministry...I get to walk along side them, but it's not me doing it for them. How awesome!

This week has been kinda overwhelming, but there have been some rewarding moments. The weather is starting to cool off again (hopefully it stays that way this time).

I got to talk to Katy, Andy, Tim Walsy, and more last night for several hours. An obscene amount of time, actually...but it was TOTALLY worth it. Especially amidst a semi stressful/busy week, it's good to be encouraged and grounded by my lovely friends.

I got to go hiking with Josiah on Monday. It was awesome being outside and just climbing, hiking around, and exploring this park. It's been awhile since I've have a purely social interaction, so it was awesome. While we hiking, we came upon this huge wall of rock. It was massive and both just stopped and looked at it. I thought of Psalm 18. It's been a passage that I've been reading repeatedly lately. One of my favorite names of God is Rock. Ask me why sometime..kind of a cool story. But I was so impacted by that.

I also get to sing this beautiful song this week by Chris Tomlin called I Will Rise. It's really been speaking to my heart. My favorite line of it is "the grave is overwhelmed." Isn't that amazing?!? Like, those words just resound. Jesus overwhelms the grave...and not just His, ours too.

In the meantime, I have TONS of things to do. God is faithful. His Word is life and prayer is the blanket of peace that He continues to wrap me in.

I'm full. More like stuffed.

2008-10-18T23:01:00.001-05:00

This week has been full. That's the best way to describe it.

I had meetings/activities every night.
The kids are back in school, so I had music classes to teach again.
(And a looming Christmas program that I need to start planning...)
My favorite coffee shop/hang out place closed.
There are some new challenges that I'm trying to work through in my job.
We had a retreat/lock-in for the confirmation kids.
I've been emotionally and socially all over the map.
I was vulnerable in front of new people. :S
My tire got dominated by some punk.
I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring.

I'm tired.

It's hard to be alone and satan totally manipulates that and intensifies that message. God promises, though, that [He] will be with you; [He] will never leave you nor forsake you (Joshua 1:5). Hundreds of times throughout Scripture, God reassures us that He is with us until the very end of the age (Matthew 28:20). He promises to never leave.

Sometimes it's really hard for me to believe that because I don't feel it. So I just have to keep reminding myself of what I know to be true about who God is until I do believe it in my heart.

i am a rollercoaster.......sometimes.....sometimes not

2008-10-15T01:03:00.000-05:00

The weekend was amazing. Probably my best weekend here yet.

Friday was spent running errands, spending time with Cher, and dinner with the Brinkmans.

I will admit there was a moment of crabbiness in there when I locked my keys in my car before dinner. AAA came to my rescue. It was good to be around people.

Saturday was going to see Josiah in Cinderella. It was really fun. :) The afternoon was spent at an amazing BBQ place that must be revisited at some point, followed by ice cream and random fun adventures while walking through a Big Lots with Si. It was just nice to not have a schedule, be random, and not really care about anything. It was a really great day. I headed back home and ended up spending a good part of the evening running around with Cher.

Sunday came early as always. I played a song on the guitar during worship! That's a big step for me...and I think it actually went pretty well. I had things planned already for Sunday evening, so I spent the afternoon enjoying the fall weather and sitting at CUPZ. The evening was really fun. The youth worship team is doing really well, confirmation was a lot of fun, and youth group was random, but cool. :)

Yesterday, I felt so good about everything. I got so much accomplished in that day and I felt so productive.

I got up this morning and walked to work. I decided it'd be a great practice and I could pray as I walked. So as I went along, my heart just spoke "God, use me today. Just give me opportunities to be used and help me to accept them." I was just praying that over and over. This woman pulls up alongside me in a van. She yells out the window, "are you going to Risen Savior?" I didn't hear her. I assumed she was lost and needed directions. "Are you going to Risen Savior??" I replied, "yes." She offered me a ride, but I told her I was enjoying my morning stroll with such a beautiful day unfolding. She said okay and went on. Before I knew what had just happened, I realized that God had immediately given me an opportunity. I didn't take it. I was so sad and apologized to him for not taking an opportunity to get to know a mother from the school. As I walked, there's a section with no side walk (which also happens to contain lots of stickers). I was wearing flip flops and they were COVERED in stickers. I was in pain, so once through that little area, I had to stop and pick some of the deep ones out. I just realized though how faithful God is in providing for us. He wants to protect us and gives us opportunities. Most of the time we're oblivious or think our agenda is better. Wow. What a blatant lesson this morning. I put my agenda in front of people and it's a sticky place to be. Literally.

But really..

Today what I feel is lonely. Days like that are hard. I find myself rambling to people that I see, just because I so desperately want to talk with them and maybe be heard for a few moments.

I know God is working on me. It's just hard when it feels like it's just me out here without my normal encouragement, support, and friendship.

Please forgive excessive IM'ing, Facebooking, tweets, texts, and messages of all kinds. I don't mean to annoy, I'm just thirsty for connection with friends. Grant me grace.

the throat is icky. there's no Panera anywhere.

2008-10-09T18:37:00.000-05:00

I really hope I don't have strep throat.

I'm the only vocalist for one of the Sunday services and as of this moment, we still don't have a guitar player. Hmm..

God. Today (and through Sunday) I need to You to be mighty to save (b/c You are) and faithful (just like every other day).

People at church said they could tell I wasn't feeling well. I think this is because my face is pale (more pale than normal...wow) and I'm not humming/singing all the time (yah, that's painful at this point in time).

I think I'm going to go check on the kitties that I'm sitting for and sit with them for awhile and then go to this young adult worship dealy. Don't worry...I won't be singing along.

Ya know..I led Fish last year with strep throat. I can sing through most things...but a guitar player. That'd be good.

I thought I'd find a Panera today for lunch and get some soup. I thought it'd do me well. Turns out...not a SINGLE Panera in the state of Arizona!?! How unfortunate. I shall take part in Panera in January in MN. Hopefully I'm better before then, though. ;)

the boat is small. water is rising around my feet.

2008-10-07T22:24:00.000-05:00

I had kind of a "meh" day.

I just watched the presidential debate and that only added to my "blech"ness.

Our country needs prayer for our future leader. Neither candidate impressed me even slightly. I was quite disappointed in both of them.

My parents are picking up my sister on Friday!!!!!! :D Then my other sister is moving on Saturday (even though she's on crutches after having surgery on both knees last week). Then Sunday, is my little cousin's 4th birthday. It sounds like a busy weekend...but I'd like to be with my family. Starting Friday, I'll be the only one missing again. :(

I just really wish my friends were here right now. :( Iwishiwishiwish. I know it's such a long way from school, but it's too bad that people can visit for fall break. It's strange hearing about it, but not having it. I get teary-eyed thinking about people visiting. I just want my friends to be here so badly.

This is not a very happy post. Sorry.

This week's worship services is shaped around Jesus calming the storm. There's a great song that I have from team that I'm going to be playing as special music and it totally describes my feeling today.

When everything is wrong,
The day has passed and nothing's done.
And the whole world seems against me.
When I'm rolling in my bed,
There's a storm in my head.
I'm afraid of sinking in despair.
...
You rebuked the wind and the waves.
Once again I find I'm amazed,
At the power of Your will.
'Cause I'm a child of little faith.
I feel the wind and forget Your grace.
And You say, "Peace. Be still."
...
There on the storm I am learning to let go,
The white wave's high.
It's crashing o'er the deck
And I don't know where I go.
Where are you, Lord?
Is this ship going down?
The mast is gone, so throw the anchor.
Should I jump and try to swim for land?
...
There on the storm teach me God to understand,
Your will that I just cannot control.
There may I see all Your love protecting me.
I thank You, Lord,
You are the Calmer of the storm.

Now back to some more network TV and early bedtime.

His Word speaks, Music speaks, and maybe someday, in some way, I will too..

2008-10-03T00:19:00.001-05:00

So I went to this young adult worship thing that I go to sometimes. Tonight was different, though, on a few different levels.

First of all, Christian artist, JJ Heller, was there to lead worship and do a couple of sets of her stuff. It was soo good. Like, I'm telling you...she was SO great. She has a folky sound and her and her husband just sounded so lovely together. PLEASE check it out.

(Click the graphic to download a FREE copy of her newest album. It's really great. :) )

I was blessed by JJ and her husband's music for a few different reasons.
-They were great with a sound that is unique to the Christian scene.
-It's just her and her husband up there singing and playing. Throughout the sets they joke with each other, glance at each other, and love playing music together. Her husband was saying just how truly blessed they are that they get to travel together and be in ministry together. That's so awesome to me.
-I want to do what they're doing. Yup. :)

On another note, there's this guy, Chris, that usually speaks every week. Well, he did again tonight and usually I'm into it, but tonight I really wasn't to be honest. He directed us to a place in the Bible and from there, I was completely absorbed in God's Word. I know this isn't a bad thing. :) I'm sure, however, that God had some good things to say through Chris tonight, but instead He decided to point me into the Word a bit more.

A few things caught my eye:
-the story of David and Mephibosheth. Read it. It's absolutely amazing...one of David's lesser proclaimed, but absolutely lovely moments. It's a beautiful story about grace and mercy that David pours out and welcomes Mephibosheth to his table. We see such a reflection of who God is for us in this story. He carries us to His table..dirty and unworthy, but couldn't be more welcome.
-1 Peter 3:4-6 also spoke to me. Peter writes to the women in these churches:
Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They trusted God and accepted the authority of their husbands. For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do.

I've been really struggling with shopping all of the time. I don't have much else to do and I'm getting all into the "image" that I portray and so on. 'I "need" these jeans,' 'I would look much cooler with this necklace,' 'I need a hair style that looks more like a musician.' Wow. This passage jumped out at me and spoke truth about all three of those things.

Then JJ sang this song called "True Things." It's all about how we are not what we wear, what we look like, what we do, etc...but we are filled with true things because God says we are. We are worthy of love because God loves us.

It was a really great evening of worship and hearing God's truth spoken to me. I can't tell you how good it is to go to a worship and not lead it.

I had an overall great day--God revealed a lot to me today...more than I can say in one entry. Spiritual gifts, mission work, scary (but exciting) realities, music, and seeing how God moves. Wow. I hope that one day we can meet for coffee and you can tell me your story...and maybe I'll tell you a few of my own. :)

"So no one told you life was gonna be this way...but I'll be there for you 'cause you're there for me too.."

2008-10-02T00:49:00.000-05:00

Skype is amazing! Since downloading this awesome webcam program, I've got to have several conversations with people across the country. It's kinda strange, but sooo awesome. I actually feel like I'm hanging out with people and I got to talk to the other interns, attend small group, take a tour of the RLC, and go to Fish. Weird, I know...but I'm not kidding. It's really made me feel a lot better. It's been more evident to me this year than ever before that community is so important. Friends are so important. Having a support system, people to unwind and destress with, people to listen when things are wrong and laugh because you can, people that you just know are going to love you.

"Again I saw something meaningless under the sun:

There was a man all alone;
he had neither son nor brother.
There was no end to his toil,
yet his eyes were not content with his wealth.
"For whom am I toiling," he asked,
"and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?"
This too is meaningless—
a miserable business!
Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:7-12

Even if it's just via the internet, I'm still soo blessed by my friends. It's not a situation that I'd want to be in for too long, but for this year, I am being reminded that friends are not something to be taken for granted. They are such a huge blessing from God. Who are the people in your life that are important to you? Have you spent time with them lately? Have you told them why they're important to you? It's not a bad idea...let them know that you appreciate and love them. :)

As I laughed with Josiah this evening and then with Bri until tears were rolling down my face, I realized...it doesn't get much better than this.

Alliteration Anecdotes Are Always Appealing

2008-09-29T01:10:00.000-05:00

Lots has happened since my last entry...

1. Serving Stewart
I went into Phoenix to hang out with Josiah on Thursday. Well, he really wanted to find pumpkin pie, so we went to several "Perkins-esque" type restaurants and found nothing. We went to the last one and there was a man sitting outside of the restaurant begging for money. Josiah went to talk to him and he asked for some cash. We didn't have any really, so we took him inside to order him some food. While waiting for the food, we learned that his name was Stewart, he'd just got out of prison and was facing a hard road. He has drug and alcohol addictions, is homeless, hungry, and far from family who might be able to help him. We were just listening to his story and encouraging him with his efforts to turn his life around. We talked to him for probably almost an hour. Josiah had an idea to tell Stewart about his church that was just down the street. Josiah called his mom to see when Celebrate Recovery (a support program for addicts) met and it just so happened that it was meeting right then. We decided to take Stewart there. We took him to the church with his food, got him sat down at a table, and explained to the head of the ministry about his struggles and the fact that he didn't have a place to sleep that night. Stewart kept thanking us and saying that he knew that God would send help. We were encouraging him that with God's help, he could turn his life around. We haven't heard from him since then. Josiah was supposed to meet him the next morning, so he could go to his court appointment, but Stewart didn't show. We hope that someone from the church got him connected with the right people to help him. It was quite an adventure...and to be honest, there is probably no way that I would've went through all of that without Josiah taking the lead and really having a heart for Stewart. I wonder how long it's been since someone had sat and talked with him and put a hand on his shoulder. I pray for him tonight and that he's doing okay.

Talk about an answered prayer about having a heart for people and their hurts! (see previous entry) Geesh! God is so good.

2. Reverend Relocation
Yesterday, our new associate pastor and his family moved in to their new house. I went over to help them move and ended up staying most of the day to help his wife, Cher, unpack all of the kitchen stuff and wash all of the dishes before putting them away. It was really nice just talking and working with her. We talked the whole time. She encouraged me about being a woman of God that doesn't just give in to what's easy and what's accepted by society, but waiting for the promises of God to be fulfilled in me. She wanted to know about my call to ministry...it was funny to hear someone use that phrase in reference to my life. She wanted to know about boys. She wanted to know about future plans and goals. It was refreshing to me. I felt so blessed to have another affirming woman in my life that could be a really great mentor and friend. She also really affirmed me. She was saying that she truly believes that I was gifted especially to be a worship leader and that there's just something about me when I'm leading...that the Holy Spirit speaks. She told me that I should at least consider worship leading, if not pursue it. I told her that my heart was definitely open to it and I'm going to think/pray over it this year. Cher also said something else that I thought was very profound and thoughtful: "I just can't wait to see who you are at the end of this year. I'm so curious and excited to see what God is teaching you this year and what it is that He's preparing you for through this internship."

I had to stop. I hadn't really thought of any of those things. I mean, I have my plans and ideas...which is dangerous. (Check out James 4 as to why..it really spoke to me.) Again, I got to a place of humility. God is using me. Wow. What a realization! And somehow...through using me here, He's preparing me to be used elsewhere...in places I haven't even heard of yet! Very humbling and exciting.

3. Battle of the Bands
I was just hanging out at home last night when Lori called and she and Dan were taking Ivan and heading out to watch Dimitri's marching band competition and invited me to come. :) It was something different to do and it's always fun to be around a family. They are a really great one too. :) I had fun watching the different bands perform and reminiscing about what high school was like...and how different I feel from the kids that are that age now. It's always great to be amidst families though and I got to see one of my youth do something that he's so deeply devoted to. It was very cool. AND...it just so happens, that his director is from Phantom Regiment. Sooo...via this experience, Dimitri and I have a whole new thing to connect about!

4. Tag along Tidbits
-Debbie is going to be back in the States soon!!!!!!! Pray for safe travel. I'm beside myself with excitement.
-youth worship team went well tonight, they're sounding really good! It's exciting!
-We talked about Abigail in Women of the Old Testament tonight. What a phenomenal woman! The lesson challenged us to challenge ourselves as to how we can be peacekeepers in our own lives. Something think upon...what areas do I need more peace?
-Singing for a funeral tomorrow...maybe playing guitar too. Kinda stressful for me to do that...but we'll see. It may not be too bad.
-School is out on break...so I don't have to teach for awhile. It'll give me more time to get work done and plan ahead. :)
-Even though I'm really feeling very good about being here and what's going on here, I still miss my friends. I think even if I had made lots of friends here already, I'd still miss them. I really really, really love my friends. That's all. :)

losing my phone, my patience, & my apathy toward the human race

2008-09-24T00:45:00.000-05:00

My phone is gone. I hosted the ladies from church tonight for our monthly Bunco night. After all was cleaned up and everyone had left, I realized that I had a phone date that was a few minutes overdue. I looked around the counter and my phone was nowhere to be found. I looked everywhere...outside, all over inside, & even had a friend call it. Nothing. I have a feeling that someone took it by mistake. My eyes were opened to my ridiculous dependence on it though. I guess it seems more legit though since I'm away from loved ones and it's one of the very few ways I can stay connected. Reason #1 that my priorities are outta wack. I can't be away from my phone for a few moments without flipping, but I can skip a day of being in the Word so easily.

I went to a few of meetings today... at a couple of them, I felt like I was on the outside. I guess it's understandable because I'm new and such and they're discussing things that have gone on for awhile, but still. I don't know...sometimes I feel like asking me what I think is a just a formality. This is reason #2 that my priorities are outta wack. I can't be apart of anything that I don't have some sort of control over, otherwise I'm dissatisfied. It doesn't always have to be about me--I think this is what my frustration boils down to.

I've been asking God to really give me His heart for people in the last few months and especially the last few weeks. I want compassion for people and really want to care about them and help them with what they're going through. There's this song that's come on the radio recently called "Give Me Your Eyes." It's an incredible song about asking God to show us how He sees His children. Well, tonight, something was started. There's a profile on Twitter called CSPSecrets and it's a profile devoted to anyone in the CSP community to share anonymously, like the site Post Secret. It's already been sooo enlightening to see all of the people that are struggling and feel like they are alone and can't share those things. It makes you wonder what any person that you interact with is going through or carrying with them. It really stops and makes you think twice about how to enteract with people. Everyone is fragile. Everyone has baggage. Everyone has stuff. Be gentle.

Find joy in everything. That's what I want my attitude to be. That..and love. Just loving people. I've been on a kick about this since January, but I just want to love people just because they are creation of the Maker. I fail often, but this is what I strive for.

So for now...computer is my only form of communication, going with the flow (but also being involved) is something that I'm going to work on, and love. Love is my goal, my focus, and my passion.

It's the only thing that makes sense and really the only thing that we have to give that is of some value. One of my favorite movies, Moulin Rouge, says this, "the greatest thing, you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

...be loved in return...that's a topic for another day.

acapella thoughts on overdue movies and the church

2008-09-18T01:56:00.000-05:00

As I sit in my apartment watching videos of acapella groups (4th gear) on youtube my mind continues to mill and mill.

A few things:
1. There aren't many acapella groups with girls, but I'd love to be in one.
2. I can't wait to be in a band. I honestly love that I get to sing everyday. I can't tell you how much.
3. I never imagined how difficult this time of internship would be to be away from friends.
4. I'm meeting the other area DCE's tomorrow and I'm utterly stoked. Like, probably to a ridiculous level...but I don't care. I'm especially excited about meeting fellow interns--ecstatic!
5. I should give myself a bed time because I've been staying up way too late just dinking around on the internet lately. I'm okay with it when I'm talking to people online, but that's not what's kept me up the last few nights.
6. Do you think overdue movie rentals are a sin? If so, I'm currently living in sin. I'm repenting/correcting my sin tomorrow though.
7. What is my purpose here? Why does God have me in this place at this time?

Tonight in church council Bible study (I'm utterly amazed that the church council has a Bible study, by the way) we watched the Nooma video, Sunday. It talks all about rituals and going to church because it's a habit and doing all of these things in order to see and be seen. It turns into a way to make ourselves look good instead of a true act of passion and love for our God. Rob Bell talked about how God doesn't want these empty works. He wants our hearts.

This is going to sound weird, I'm sure, but the thing is...I think that's almost more difficult to me. I mean, ask me to do something and I'll do it and to my best ability. You want to love me and show me how you love me? Yikes. That scares me. You just want me to simply love you and allow myself to be known? That's something I don't do well at all. But that's what You want.

I think back on my day to day life. I measure the day by how many checks are marked on my "to do" list or how empty my assignment white board is. I measure my life in the "business" side of things. I remember back to a class last year when we talked about programming vs. relationship building. Being a DCE is about relationship building, not how many programs you can pull off. Sometimes they're necessary to build the relationships...but not the important things themselves. So I think about my day. How many people did I connect with today? How many people did I stop to say "hi" to and see how they were doing? Who did I serve today? I'm worried about the "business" of my day...but guess what? I work for God's church and He's in the business of people! :) Don't just go to church, BE the church.

Just something to think about...

In the mean time, I need to tend to the business of returning/repenting for my overdue movies.

What's Your Story?

2008-09-15T23:34:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite things to do is listen to stories. I love hearing the stories of strangers and people that I have known for years. This is how we can learn to understand someone, how we can show someone that we care about them, and how we can gain compassion for others.
For the past several weeks in the senior high Bible study time we have been studying the book of Romans. There are so many great themes and messages that are displayed throughout Romans. Our first lessons was studying the first several verses of the book and we talked about Paul’s pure joy and excitement to share the Gospel with the world. In the first verse of Romans, Paul even goes so far to say that he was “set apart for the Gospel of God (Rom. 1:1).” Paul, a converted persecutor of Christians, wanted to live for nothing else but to spread the message of Christ crucified. In verse 16 of Romans 1, Paul writes: “I am not ashamed of the Gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes.” This was the confirmation verse that was chosen for me, so it is familiar. However, when I think of Paul’s circumstances and his passion for the Gospel, I am continually amazed. The same message he had killed people for in the past became something that he was willing to die for himself.
The conversation of the group came to the question, “why don’t we have Paul’s attitude about boldly proclaiming the Gospel?” We are afraid. Rejection, embarrassment, and not knowing enough about Scripture or doctrine are just a few fears that kill our passion to share boldly. So what’s the answer? How do we get around these fears to fulfill the Great Commission of Matthew 28:19? My first thought is stories. When you get to know someone, you tell them stories about who you are, places you’ve been, and things you’ve done. Telling a story from your life and where you saw God working is a wonderful way to boldly proclaim the God that loves us! It can be difficult to walk up to someone and say “Here’s a Bible. Let me tell you about Jesus!” However, I think that just about anyone can tell a story about themselves and help others see where God has been working throughout their story. Everyone is equipped and capable of sharing Jesus with others. God has given each of us a story. Sharing your story also welcomes others to do the same and gives you an opportunity to help him or her see where God has been working in their life! I had a professor who told us she tore the back cover off of her Bible because the story isn’t finished yet. God is still working through all of our stories. I think of that old song, I Love to Tell the Story. The story of Jesus’ love can be found throughout the adventures and tales of our own lives. His rescue happens over and over again for us. His faithfulness continues to be revealed in our day to day lives.
We don’t need bull horns or gimmicks. It can simply be sharing your story and inviting someone to do the same. Blessings to you as you reflect on your personal story of God’s love and use it as a light to others!

He Makes Dread into Delight (and why am I so surprised?!?)

2008-09-13T21:18:00.000-05:00

God surprises us. Well..I guess I should speak for myself. He surprises me.

But why am I constantly surprised at His faithfulness?!? It's nuts--but He's helping me learn to trust.

The past week has been all over the map. Needless to say, I'm glad it's over. I usually have Fridays and Saturdays off, but this week we planned a lock-in for Friday night and a service work day for the youth for Saturday. Well, in light of my heavy week, I wasn't exactly pumped about my lack of free time for the weekend. Thursday night, I ended my work week with a heavy heart and some stress from my lack of control in some aspects of my job. I asked a friend to have lunch, so we made plans for Friday.

She was all concerned that I was overworked and had too much stress already. She gave me some encouragement about only doing what I can do and not letting the rest get to me. I don't know why, but it seems that I'm either completely carefree or I'm feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. She helped remind me that I'm not really in control even when I think I am and God is going to do with things what He will. I hardly had slept the night before. I was thinking about things that hadn't been planned, faulty communications, uncertainties, and potential failures. I woke on Friday exhausted and saying.."God, I can't do this on my own. Just take it." God used my friend to affirm this message and humble me once again. I had a fun afternoon with her and we spent time just living life and not sitting around stressing about details. I felt so much better at the end of the afternoon that I spent with my friend.

I went home thinking that this lock-in and service day could be alright. And it was more than alright. I had fun, I got to see the hearts of these incredible youth that just purely want to serve, and I got to get to know these same youth a bit better. They're just lovely and I'm so proud of them. They're stepping outside of their comfort zones to get to know people of a completely different generation who probably don't think too highly of those "crazy teens" upon first glance. They work hard and want to help. They're changing people and making a difference. :) I also get to tag along and meet some great people as well. I'm building some fun relationships with some older generations of the congregation, which is very important here. God also came through and put my mind to rest about stresses and worries that have been weighing me down.

God totally used this weekend to revive my passion to change the world. It might be moving sand, it very well could be moving to Africa, it most likely will include some sort of music element, and it's always going to involve just listening to people and loving them. Yah.

Thanks for this weekend, God. I pray that you continue to "break my heart for what breaks Yours" and help me to trust what you say in Romans 8:28: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

He used a long week to show me that there's still people who need to be loved, there's things beyond my control, and He's still working on me and filling me with huge passion for something that will make a difference. In the end, I just want to be used--that's all. I hope and pray that God continues to fill me with that desire.

In the meantime, the things I'm learning:
-I'm never too important to help someone else.
(Galatians 6:3 (NLT): If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important.)
-Never underestimate the power of community, friendship, and encouragement. Trying to handle life on my own is silly and down right unhealthy. I'm not invincible (even though I sometimes like to pretend I am. ;) )
-Worrying doesn't change a situation.
(Matthew 6:34: Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.)
-God is showing me the plans He has for me more and more every day.
-(and an ongoing theme) God is faithful to His promises. Always.

Live. Love. Let Him Love you. :D

Always Faithful to the Unfaithful

2008-09-09T22:45:00.000-05:00

Today has been kind of a tough day and needless to say, I'm not in the best of moods. I find that my moods can change so quickly. One thing can happen or be said and my mood is just ruined for the day. Something small can annoy me and that is what consumes my mind for the next few hours at least.

One of the main points of the youth group Bible study that we had on Sunday was faith. We talked about how sometimes our moods change, our perceptions of who God is change, and our trust in God may increase or decrease. The thing is that no matter what, God doesn't change. He is still faithful. That is one thing that we can always have faith in; that God is faithful to us. We run, but He always chases us.

Hebrews 10:23
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

This is one of my favorite verses. God promises our love, forgiveness, and salvation that was brought to fruition through Jesus' death and resurrection. Another great promise that He makes us is to "work for the good of those who love Him." He also promises to never leave or forsake us. What a great God we have!

I often think about every time that I pass up an opportunity to pray or read Scripture. I picture God just patiently waiting until I do talk to Him for awhile. Sometimes I apologize for how long it takes me to chat with Him. It's just like a relationship we might have with friends. How often do we schedule a coffee date and cancel with Him? I know I walk right past Him all of the time without saying "hello" because I'm having a bad day. But He still won't go away. Praise Him for that.

Breaking the "Blahs"

2008-08-28T00:18:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm really liking the things of internship. My job is great, the church is great, people are great as well.

I think, however, it's taking me a bit to get used to being away from college and all that it entails. There are two main things that I'm really missing right now.

The first is my friends. There's not really people my age around here and I don't really have friends nearby. There are some great families that I love spending time with and some people I'm really enjoying getting to know, but none of them are really my age. It's an interesting transition after being so social in the college world.

The second is spontaneity. I have a pretty normative routine here. I like routines because they're easy to remember, I know what I have to do and get done, and I can have a plan and be prepared. However, I miss spontaneous trips to the river or the falls, late nights at Perkins, impromptu conversations in the CMC, and the "it's whatever" attitude of my college life. Here, everything seems so structured and I don't have anyone to be random with. :S It's something that I'm going to have to figure out how to circumvent.

I found a verse today though that gave me encouragement for living in the here and now. Sometimes it's going to be difficult on this internship journey, but I want to be sure that I'm living life to the full and being present in this time and place. The verse that's speaking to me right now was actually apart of a song that we were practicing at praise team tonight.

Psalm 118:24
"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

I pray that no matter what may be going on and no matter how "blah" I feel--I will be reminded of this verse and the blessing that today is. It's not something to be wasted, but lived. What ever it means in your life, I hope you're living and not just being alive. Be glad in the day that God has given us! :)

Temptation of Suffocation

2008-08-21T23:41:00.001-05:00

Last year, I had a wonderful experience with the spiritual discipline of Sabbath. Now, at this time last year, I probably couldn't really tell you what it meant to practice Sabbath in my life and might've even told you it was not important or irrelevant. I may have told you that it gets taken care of when we go to church. I learned a lot about Sabbath within the past year and most of my initial thoughts weren't exactly on track.

The 3rd commandment (in the Lutheran numbering) is "Remember the Sabbath by keeping it holy." This commandment wasn't just some rule for the Israelites to follow, but it was command God put in place so that He would have time with His children. And ya know what? He still wants to spend time with them! That fact has not changed a bit!

Okay, so take a look at your week. If your family and friends were asked if they could tell what day was set aside to spend time with your God and take a break, would they be able to? I know that just a few months ago I would say "no" with gusto. Even when I was at worship, I was "working." My friends rarely saw me and I was staying up late and getting up early to get things done. And ya know what? It was awful.

When I started internship, I told myself that I needed to have a Sabbath day that was protected. I needed to do my best to protect that day from any sort of work, meetings, planning, and anything that wasn't something I "had" to do. I could run errands on my Sabbath because I enjoy doing that--it's fun to me! I could sit by the pool, hang out with friends, be in God's Word, or sleep in without feeling guilty at all. This is what my Sabbath has been. It's tough and takes planning ahead and diligence, but it's important for my mental, social, and spiritual health. Not to mention, if I don't rest, I will get burned out.

So today, we were looking at schedules to plan a meeting. Friday was suggested, but I actually spoke up to protect it. I was surprised at myself, but I've seen what good has come out of keeping my Sabbath holy. That Sabbath mentality carries through the rest of the week and I'm more focused and at peace. One of the other people at the meeting mentioned that they don't have a day of rest and one of their days off (Sunday) is spent at church, teaching. The conversation continued in that direction and I began to feel guilty about my "untouchable" day. I almost said, "it's okay, let's do Friday." Then I remembered all that I had experienced in learning about Sabbath throughout the last year. I nearly suffocated in business and life--I honestly was so unhealthy that it was getting out of control. I still get tempted, however, to be so incredibly and irresponsibly busy. I need down time--time to enjoy life and enjoy God. It's so easy for me to feel guilty about not doing enough as I see others be soo busy, but I had to remind myself that, that's what I've worked so hard to get out of. It is my job as a church professional to set an example of Christian living and to show people what it means to practice wellness. Even my pastor reminded me of that last week when I was about to run to church for a quick church task last Friday. He stopped me and told me to let it be--it wasn't that important to interrupt God's day.

Sabbath rest is a beautiful thing--it's something I want to maintain and has taken me a long time to adopt. I can tell you, though, I honestly couldn't do ministry and wouldn't want to do ministry without Sabbath rest.

I challenge you...take the break that God has blessed you with in His 3rd commandment. See if your family can recognize your Sabbath day--spend it with them. I pray that you dive deep into this practice and are richly blessed by it.

Prayer...Does it really change anything?

2008-08-19T00:05:00.000-05:00

Prayer. It's something that I just plain don't get. Now bear with me for a moment. I'll explain.

Earlier this year, I wrote about a book that we read in class called "The Celebration of Discipline." It was a challenging book in many ways with lots of good things to say, but I was frustrated by the chapter on prayer. It really broke open the topic of prayer in my mind and really, I just came up with all of these questions that I couldn't answer and it seemed that everyone around me had made peace with. Ugh...it just left me stuck.

I know that God's Word tells us to "pray continually" and that Jesus even prayed to His Father. God promises to listen to our prayers. Jesus even taught us how to pray. Paul's letters are filled with mentions of his prayers for people in churches all over. Moses called down God's power in prayer. We see how God responds to the prayers of His people over and over.

I don't get it.

Let's start with what prayer is not.
1. The point of prayer isn't to control God. He's not our vending machine or our butler. Prayer isn't our hotline to get whatever we want.
2. Prayer doesn't change who God is. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.
3. Prayer isn't the formula to make God work; He works without our prayers. In Luther's Small Catechism it says, "certainly God's Kingdom comes with our prayers, but we pray in this petition that it might come to us also." So, God's still going to work in us and for us even if we don't ask for it.

In "Celebration of Discipline," however, it talks about how we shouldn't pray "if it be Your will" when we pray for things because we need to pray boldly with faith; knowing that God will grant our request. What about when we pray with confidence and what we pray for doesn't happen? What then? Okay, so the book suggests as we draw near to the heart of God, we grow closer to what His will is and can pray more and more boldy because our will lines up with His. My question would be, "why pray, then?" If it's going to come to pass anyway? Well, often when we pray, it brings us peace and an calming connection with our Father. Prayer isn't meant to change God, but our conversations with Him often change us. He commands us to pray...it's talking to our Daddy about our day. :) (But I'm still not going to pretend like I get it.)

Another question about prayer...what is intercessory prayer all about? I don't get that either. I've got to the point where I understand how prayer changes me, but when I'm praying for others, what does that do? If I'm not trying to change God and I know that His will is good and gracious, then why pray for people and situations? I just don't understand how it works. This became more and more sensitive to me as I grew closer to situations that desperately need prayer and people who really need protection. What does prayer do for them? Honestly, I have no idea.

I just got to a point where prayer seemed superfluous and something everyone did to make themselves look good. I wanted to want to pray...but I just felt like it didn't matter and it just made me more frustrated the more I thought about it. Wow, satan sure pulled one on me.

I do know one thing, however, since I have been on internship, I have seen God answer prayer in SO MANY huge ways. I can't tell you how many times within the last month that HUGE prayers have been answered. For example, the school wanted to serve hot lunch during the day but didn't have a commercial license for the kitchen. They were going to cater meals, but the inspector came in and said the kitchen was fine for commercial use. The next morning a woman randomly called the school saying that she had to be the school chef. Air conditioner problems that were supposed to take weeks to fix took only a few hours. At 10pm on the night before worship, God provided a guitar player to lead the praise team. After losing our music teacher, God laid it on my heart to fill the role and the next morning a mother came in and said she'd like to help with the music program! Things like this happen at Risen Savior all of the time! I can't get over it! God is teaching me so much...just over and over again He is teaching me that He is faithful. He whispers it to me through others, shows it to me throughout my day, and reads it to me in His Word.

God shows that He is faithful and He is always hanging on to me, even when I let go to cover my eyes at what is to come. Prayer is a vessel of His peace that passes all of our understand. Peace isn't the only thing that passes my understanding though...prayer in general is a mystery to me. I do know, however, that no matter how "faithful in prayer" I might be (or might not be), God is faithful. One of my favorite verses is from Hebrews 10:23:
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

Always..with or without our prayers...He is faithful.

Welcome to the Desert!

2008-08-06T23:16:00.000-05:00

This is from an email I wrote on 7/27; I'll update again soon. :)

July 27th:

Well, I can't believe that I've already been here in Chandler for a whole week! It's gone by so quickly!

My parents and I drove out here from Kansas (I followed my dad in my car the whole way). We left on the 17th and got here last Sunday afternoon. It was a pretty decent drive through lots of desert and flat land. The day before we got to Chandler, however, we had to come down through some mountains. Well, it's monsoon season in Arizona, so they get these weird rainstorms this time of year. As we were driving through the mountains in the rain and hail, my driver's side windshield wiper broke. My parents were driving in front of me, but it was raining so hard that they didn't notice I'd stopped. We were driving down the mountain, so they were very worried about me after awhile. The rain eventually slowed down, they came back up and found me, and we continued driving in the light rain with frequent stops to wipe off the windshield. We got to the next town and a guy happened to still be working at an auto parts store. He graciously fixed my windshield wiper.

I moved in here and got settled last Sunday. I also was able to spend a little bit of time hanging out with Joy and Michael before they left. The rest of the week was spent on staff retreat with all of the staff from the church and school. It was a great way to get to know people and we went through the book, Captivating, which was very good. I got to jump in and lead worship for the retreat, as well as share a little bit during a worship time. We got back on Wednesday evening in time for worship team practice and Thursday was my first day in the office. Friday and Saturday I had off, but Saturday was filled with getting last minute things ready for Sunday worship that kind of got overlooked with the transition between interns. Today was my installation at all 4 services and everything worked out well for the two services I help lead. I almost had to play guitar for one service which really scared me, but they found someone at the last minute. Phew. This evening was my first full evening with the senior high youth and it was cool to start to get to know them. I can tell that they're already becoming at ease around me and vice versa.

When I got here last Sunday, they had a basket of "Arizona necessities" waiting for me on my table from the youth group with a note that said "look in the fridge." I wrote on my bio that I sent to the church, that I like Dr. Pepper and they filled the whole bottom of my fridge with Dr. Pepper...cans, bottles, 2 Ltrs...the works! Amazing! I've been so blessed by people here already.

In other news...it's hot. So hot, but the humidity is considerably less here. No worries, though, I have 2 pools to cool off at. My apartment is awesome and it's already beginning to feel like home with pictures on the walls and such. I have wireless here, so that's really nice. I also recently got texting, so it's my newest hobby. :) All the help I can get with communication is welcomed--the 2 hour time difference is challenging enough. When Daylight Savings comes, however, I'll only be an hour different from Central time. Arizona doesn't do a time change. Amazing! :D

Things are really picking up here, though. I'm already getting into the full swing of things and I know it's only going to keep picking up. It's very exciting to be out here--there's so much going on and it's always growing! Any and all prayers are appreciated! :D

Africa, Arizona, CSP, or somewhere in between...

2008-06-07T22:37:00.000-05:00

So my last post was about how anxious I was about leaving Concordia. Well, it wasn't easy and I'm still having to say good-bye's along the way, but I'm at home (for almost 2 weeks now) from Africa.

Leaving CSP was crazy. I had finals and just a few days to finish up school work, tie up loose ends for internship, pack for the trip, pack my room and move out (my parents graciously came up to help me out), move all of my residents out, sing for 3 graduatons, have a bon voyage concert, and say lots of good-byes. It was crazy. Ghana seemed calm in comparison.

Anywho..we left on that Sunday after finals and I haven't had my laptop since that Saturday, so my internet access has been sort of limited since. Ghana was amazing. I can't even begin to describe what it was like. I mean, there's so much that I experienced that was way different from anything I ever have experienced before. I've heard so many people say that it's impossible to describe our trip there, but I just keep thinking about it and wanting to share.

Some highlights:
-the worship of Ghanaian Christians--I loved our worship services. They usually lasted several hours, but they were full of the Spirit and full of life. People worshiped with their entire beings. We danced our offerings to the front of the sanctuary at every worship service. I loved the music. I have never had so much fun worshiping our Creator.

-the people--Everywhere we went, people were overjoyed to have us there. They all wanted us to come back later and wanted to do whatever they could for us. We were so different from all of them and stuck out so greatly, but they didn't care. They only wanted us to feel welcome and bent over backwards to do that.

-the children--I got to spend some time playing with some children in a village. I had a blast! It made me realize just how much I love kids. I couldn't even effectively communicate with them, but we had so much fun and I felt like I connected with them. That was so empowering and encouraging to me--I felt greatly affirmed in my career path and calling into ministry. It also made me consider the possibility of mission work.

-the Spirit--I think that sometimes when American Christians think of Africa, we think "mission field." "Those people need to hear about Jesus!" Well, yes, they do, but I'm pretty sure He's already made it to Africa. His Spirit is quite alive there, too. I couldn't believe how Spirit-filled people were there. They are so passionate about prayer and Bible study. Many stores and businesses have Christian names. I got to meet the chaplain of a college choir there that we sang with. It was cool to meet another choir chaplain. She prayed so passionately and told me of their weekly prayer meetings that are just to get together and pray for an hour. She said, "this choir can't operate without two things and those are prayer and being in the Word." I was floored. We can learn a lot from our Ghanaian brothers and sisters.

-time spent with friends--I don't know if you've noticed this, but I love my friends. I had such a good time experiencing the culture of Ghana and all of it's ups and downs with people that I care so deeply about. We had a blast and I'm so glad that I got to spend that intentional time with several people that I won't see again for a long time. It was a sacred time and I was blessed by it. I'm going to miss my CSP crew.

Now, I'm at home in Kansas. It's hot. We don't have the air on. I don't have a job, but I'm helping around the house. I've been keeping busy doing that and I'm looking forward to starting my internship in July. Things keep changing, but I think I'm ready to head out to internship. It's weird now being in between. I'm kind of lonely for my friends and for hanging out with them, but at the same time it's been good to have atleast a little time with my family and some friends from home.

Please pray for me as I try to prepare, mentally, emotionally, financially, socially, and spiritually for this new journey. For now, it's about bed time. People go to bed early around here.

Peace.

...or not, here it comes

2008-05-08T17:49:00.000-05:00

So the last thing that I wrote about was how ready I am to leave Concordia for the next year.

It hasn't come quite as easily as I thought it would. It's actually been disgustingly difficult the last couple of days. It's starting to sink in that I won't be coming back here for over a year and when I do, it'll look different, there will be new people, and a lot of the old ones will be gone. The same place, but a very different place all at the same time.

I'm already sick of saying good-bye. Last night I said good-bye to the people at my field work church and I didn't really think it would be that big of deal. I cried...a lot. So did a lot of other people...but it was so hard. That's only the beginning...maybe it'll get easier. I'm not so sure, though, because so many that I love so much are still left to say good-bye to.

Then Africa. It's coming! A few get to journey along with me there but good-byes will have to happen on that trip. That may be even worse. I do think, however, that Africa will be a good transitional piece for me to propel myself forward after CSP. I'm not coming back to the Cities after Ghana until Anna and Adam's wedding. So I think I'll be more calm and settled about the move to AZ by then.

Oh, AZ...so much down time until I get to come to you. I think that is a necessary buffer. I don't think my emotions could handle much more. Or my body for that matter...I'm going to be shot for awhile.

I'll be honest...I'm really going to miss a lot of people. Some of the best people and some of the best friends I've ever had have been from here at Concordia. This chapter of my life is beginning to end. That's hard for me to face the fact that some of these people I won't eat lunch with everyday and study with or get Jamba with. Things slip by so quickly. Live it up--love people, love life.

I saw a cardinal this afternoon. One of my friends is convinced that whenever she sees cardinals it's God's sign and reminder to her that He is present amidst a trying time. Today I was grateful for that cardinal.

ready.

2008-05-03T23:23:00.000-05:00

The year is winding down here at school and it's almost time to say good-bye. I think a change will be really positive for me. For the next year I will be working full time as an intern in a parish hundreds of miles from here.

I have a feeling this is going to be a good change for me. I will get to learn a lot, meet new people, make a new start in a far away place, and serve full time in ministry. I pray that God will watch over me as I try to fit in there, as I try to do my best to serve Him, and as I try to take care of myself and be fed spiritually, socially, mentally, and physically.

I'm tired of feeling like I don't really fit within this puzzle anymore. I think it's because there's another puzzle that has a piece missing for me to fill in.

I pray that God helps to give closure here and healing, while preparing me for what's to come.

faith.

2008-04-29T01:16:00.000-05:00

When it seems like there's no answers, the problem is too big, and there's nothing that can be done to make the situation easier...when it seems impossible, overwhelming, and discouraging...when it seems like there is nobody who cares, no support, and God is nowhere to be found...that is the time. It's then when we grow in faith.

It is a matter of growing in faith or giving up hope. Jesus said "blessed are those who believe without seeing." I think right now I'm more on the "doubting Thomas" side of things, but I'm being challenged to grow in faith. Ya think the disciples had some questions when Jesus called them away from life to follow Him? You think they were a bit stressed on rough waters? They often didn't get it, but it was those times that everything seemed wrong that their faith grew and the glory of the Lord was shown to them.

I pray that I'm in some stage of that process right now......just waiting for the glory to be shone. But as of right now, I'm still feeling the waves hit me.

Prince Problems

2008-03-07T15:16:00.000-06:00

Being a single girl myself, I didn't have much of a problem discussing struggles with guys when one of my senior high girls came to me on Wednesday. Our society puts so much emphasis on romantic relationships even at a young age. It's difficult to see all of your friends have a date to a dance, but you are still without. Many people see this as trivial, which it might be, but that is her reality. That is her struggle. This problem is affecting her and that makes it important.

We talked about how God delights in us. There might not be a boy in her life that gets butterflies when he sees her, but there's a God who knows her better than she knows herself and she makes Him get butterflies every time He sees her. We talked about one of my favorite verses: "Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30. Those other things that attract high school boys may not be found in my beloved youth (even though I think she's delightful and beautiful), but she is a young woman of faith who loves and fears the LORD in a huge way! That's way more valuable than all of those other traits.

I share with her how since God is our Father and He is the King of Kings, Jesus is the Prince of Peace, and we are brothers and sisters in Christ. Soo...we are princesses. :D This might not seem too appealing for men, but I don't think that a girl, whether a little girl or an elderly woman, could keep themselves from smiling when they are called "princess." God helped us stumble onto this verse after the princess discussion: "it is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes." Psalm 118:9 How perfect! God is good...

And ya know...I think someone sometime somewhere is going to get butterflies at the thought of me, but until then, I'm fine. God is faithful and teaching me to seek Him first and all things will be given to me.

Yeah, prayer... wait....prayer?

2008-03-01T13:53:00.000-06:00

So prayer has been something that has solidly been on my heart and mind in the last weeks.

I read this book called Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster. It was a good book but I wrestled with the chapter on prayer a lot. He makes some comments about how in the past he had only "marginal success" with prayer. I don't understand this at all. How can prayer be unsuccessful? We know that prayer is to change us and align our will with the Father's. How can such a prayer that is said from the heart be deemed "unsuccessful?"

He also talked about how the disciples prayed for people and didn't really ever ask "if Thy will be done," but prayed with confidence. How do we gain this confidence to pray with? I know that there are times when I don't see my prayers answered as I ask. How do I pray with confidence and still know that it might not happen?

At our pre-intern retreat, this was a topic of great discussion. Our professor enlightened us a bit and helped us along. He explained that prayer is also often about getting to know God better, in that we start seeing that He is going to answer our prayers, but that prayer might not be answered in the same way that we expect. We look for the results that we had in mind. He might do what we ask, but in a different way. So we get to know our Father better and learn how to see what He is doing amidst our prayers.

It's disheartening sometimes to think that prayer isn't changing God. It awful, I know, but it's true. I think, why should I pray if God is taking care of it anyway? God wants us to spend time with Him! God wants an opportunity to speak to us and open our hearts and ears to Him.

The struggle I have, however, lies in intercessory prayer. What's the purpose of this? How does it work? I mean, I love knowing that people are praying for me and I enjoy praying for others. In the Bible, intercessory prayer was used. It just seems like it doesn't add up to me, though, because I think about how prayer is supposed to be changing our hearts as we pray. So why pray for others? Are we praying for their hearts to be changed? They're not doing the praying though and God is going to be changing them regardless of our prayers. I don't know.

Prayer is just such a crazy concept for me to try to latch on to. I love it and at the same time, the more I get into prayer and learn from it, the more mindboggling and frustrating it can be because I don't understand how it works, how to "do it correctly" necessarily, and what the purpose is.

Those are my thoughts. I'm open to yours.

Spring Break & Such

2008-02-28T09:30:00.000-06:00

It's been ages since I've wrote on this thing. The reason for this is definitely not because of a lack of theological/faith thoughts, but because I hardly have had time to breathe, let alone write on a personal blog. Whenever I've thought about it, it just seemed like another "thing" that I "need" to do.

But...I'm on spring break. It's been nice, but I still have a lot to catch up on as far as homework and such goes. I've got to spend time with some people and not worry about running around so much. I think that this lack of writing on this blog is proof of my need to simplify and slow down. It's something I'm working on.

I just had a meeting with my supervisor from the church I'm doing fieldwork at. Our talks are always great and challenging. They leave me with many things to think about and mull over.
Today's mulling consists of:
-How does a ministry continue to challenge the students that are really digging into the Word and need something deeper, but still be able to reach out to those who are new to faith?
-How does a ministry create programming and a message that is rooted in Scripture and doctrinally sound, but still relevant to youth? How do we make doctrine come alive and be something that hits students where they are?
-How do we challenge youth in their faith and still fill them with the grace of the Gospel?

It was a good chat. If you have insights, let me know. :)

In other things:
-I attended a pre-intern retreat a couple weeks ago. It was incredible and I learned and experienced a lot of new things. I especially had different experiences and thoughts about prayer. That's another post for another day.
-It's been great hearing the stories of the senior youth during lent. They get to share their testimonies and it's been great to learn from them and hear how God is working on them.
-God cares about people. Think on that. It's good stuff.
-Love. In general...I'm in awe of it. Asking God to help me love people (especially those I don't want to) has been amazing and humbling.
-Simplicity--I'm cleaning out my closets and hopefully getting rid of stuff. The world can so easily clutter our lives and cloud our minds. The less attached I am to "stuff" the more focused I can be on God. This is something cool I'm exploring.
-I bought a journal yesterday. It's something I've wanted to do for awhile. I'm going to carry it with me to write down things that God is teaching me, how I see Him moving, and things/people to pray for. This is exciting!
-Being in the Word.....I want it, but I'm struggling.

Welcome to the inside of my brain. :) Also, today I said goodbye to the Topaz, my faithful car for the last few years. So long Topaz...you will be missed.

Sabbath and worship team: TAKE TWO

2008-02-02T15:30:00.000-06:00

So I'm starting over on this quest for Sabbath. Today is Saturday and it's my day to just dominate my homework and projects for Monday. I'm going to go get after it so that I can Sabbath with Katy and Melissa tomorrow.

We had to come up with goals for the semester for my Parish Education class and something very cool has emerged from that. We are taking on each other's goals. Mine was to Sabbath and because we often do homework and hang out together, everyone is adopting a bit of that mindset and scheduling. Andy wants to go to some sort of alternative worship service twice a month and that's going to get a few of us to go experience different things with him as well. I know that sleep will definitely be a goal that I work on throughout the semester and that's going to encourage all of us to get to bed at a more reasonable hour.

Just taking some time out of a day for rest and freedom from the tyranny of the day makes all the difference in the world for how I feel and what my attitude is. I am also convinced that I'm a little under the weather because I didn't not have a day of rest last week. Choir took over any sort of rest that I would've taken last weekend.

Also, something else that I wanted to talk about briefly is the worship team that I lead. Last year was kind of all over the board because different people had to leave the team for good reasons and we were struggling to figure out how we would get through spring semester. Many prayers and emails later, we ended up with a guitar player who happens to be a good friend of mine and someone who said "well..if you can't find anyone else.." Then there's our male vocalist who randomly emailed me one day and said he wanted to join and hoped it wasn't too late. Then our drummer who is a fill in turned permanent. God put our team together. He did that to show me that I'm not in control of this worship team. It's not "my team." I often refer to it as such, but I am reminded that this is for HIS glory and not mine. This is HIS ministry and not mine. These are HIS gifts and certainly not mine. After all of this, God showed me that not only would He provide us with a team, but it would be a better fit than any of us could've imagined. I couldn't believe how well Fish went on Wednesday night. We had fun, we worshiped while we led, and the feedback was positive. I am humbled by the fact that I was so unsure about this new arrangement, but God is so much bigger than my worries. He's challenging us to think big in this ministry right now. I'm excited.

Sabbath--a day of restless retreat

2008-01-26T01:57:00.000-06:00

Today was such a daunting and humbling day. I've been tossing about this idea of Sabbath lately. It's really a mandate that God gave to us to rest and reflect on what He has blessed us with. It is a day to relinquish control and depend on God to provide. My professor said something profound..it went something like this "if you think that you have to depend on yourself to work 7 days a week to survive, there is something wrong." Basically we tell God that we'll take care of ourselves and don't need His help. Do we not think God is going to provide for us and so we have to work a little bit more on that free day? I don't know. Satan works in ways that are all too nice looking from the exterior. Anyway...tomorrow (which is really today) is going to be busy and so I thought I'd try Sabbath on a Friday. This is really the first time I've consciously tried to observe a Sabbath even though I've been pondering it because of views that I've heard about if from friends and Rob Bell. So I tried "Sabbathing" today...but it went kind of crazy. It started out nice and slow. I got up early and enjoyed the morning chatting with my supervisor over coffee. I was planning on keeping the rest of the day low key, but I got emails all day on Thursday about a meeting that had to be rescheduled to Friday, I was asked to playing music for worship, I received an email about voice studio, I thought of a form that HAD to be signed, and two retreats that I made commitments to. Oh goodness...it wasn't Sabbath. My attempt failed miserably. I think God showed me today that I have a huge control issue that I need to let go of. On top of all this activity and such, a girl from my community passed away this morning and I was on the phone with my parents and friends to hear information and check on everyone. Reflecting upon all of this the following lyrics came into mind.

Healer heal me
Savior save me
Maker change me
Lover love me
Cuz I'm so tired of living for
The kind of love
That only lasts for awhile
The pain, the shame
Tear me up inside

So I fall on my knees
To get back on my feet again
And I cry out for You
To hear you speak to me

Yes I fall on my knees
To get back on my feet again
And I run hard for You
To enter Your rest

By the middle of the day, I was in deep need of healing. Those lyrics kept running over and over in my head. "I run hard for you to enter your rest." That seems silly. I'm running around to enter His rest. I don't know if that's what I'm supposed to be doing, but that's what I am doing. I'm running around to serve God, but I'm not allowing myself to accept how He serves me. That is the meaning of Sabbath. We thank God for how He has provided for us and live on Him for that day. I would encourage you to observe Sabbath in your own life. Rob Bell doesn't check email, turns off his phone, and doesn't do anything on his "to do" list on the Sabbath. One of my friends said that she did all of her homework in college on Saturdays so that she had the entire day to Sabbath on Sunday. My professor challenged us by asking if our friends and family would be able to tell which day in a week that our Sabbath was. They couldn't today, but I want to change that. As my good friend reminds me, growth is a process and this will take some time and some getting used to. God has given that blessing of Sabbath to me to take advantage of!

Well, the day ended pretty well. I do have a bump on my head and shed a few tears from the stressful day behind me, but that is what really showed me that Sabbath isn't something to be taken lightly or imposed upon. It is holy. Even the day that I meant to make Sabbath ended up in stressful, painful, and tired tears. That's an eye opener. So Sabbath is definitely going to be something to work towards this semester.

LOVE is the movement

2008-01-18T13:46:00.000-06:00

So not necessarily to add a new year's resolution to my life, but more of creating a new year's revolution...I've been getting into a bunch of new ideas. This whole idea of loving people has just plain overwhelmed me in 2008. Reading Blue Like Jazz got me thinking about how I love people on a daily basis and if what my heart is saying is actually being lived out with how I interact with people. So recently I've got into this organization called "To Write Love on Her Arms." It is an organization that is committed to helping people who struggle with addictions, alcohol and drug abuse, depression, self injury, and suicidal behaviors. The organization sells t-shirts to help support people to go to rehab. They also actively reach out and love people that are awaiting detox and rehab services and help people to realize that they need to seek help. It's an amazing organization that loves people right where they are with all the "stuff" that they have to bring along with them. The name of the organization comes from the first person that they helped get into rehab. She was struggling with many things, one being self mutilation. She carved "f--- up" in her arm. That's all she thought she was. The people around her, however, wanted to change that. They wanted to write "love" on her arms.

I recently supported the organization by buying a t-shirt that has pretty much also been my new creedo. I love it and it reminds me of the new revolution that I am apart of. God has overwhelmed me so many times with His love. It shouldn't be difficult to reach out and simply love people. Simply love. :) That's what Jesus did. Love is the movement. And the movement began with Him.

Blue Like Jazz

2008-01-14T19:03:00.000-06:00

Well, it's been awhile since I've written anything. I've been back at school and there's been lots to do and lots of people to see. In my last days at home I finished Blue Like Jazz. What a great read!

It's a great book by Donald Miller. He writes so authentically and uninhibited. He tells of his experiences with lots of different people from the country's most intelligent atheists at Reed College to living with hippies, from being a fundamentalist Christian living in a house with a bunch of single guys from the progressive church full of protesters and social activists. He writes with such honesty about his experiences and sees God in the most uncommon places. There are chapters about our misunderstanding of the concept of love. He talks about how overpowering people with love is the way they are going to see God. It's not going to be through our "Christian to do list" that we see others not fulfilling. It's not going to be by arguing views and defending Christianity. Miller did want to defend Christianity like it needed defending. He wants to show people what it is through love--loving the most unexpected people that seem unlovable. He talked about one of the best ways to do this is by stepping outside of who we are and what we are comfortable with and making connections with people who are completely different from us. He talked about how people, Christians especially, tend to use love as currency. If people aren't doing what we want them to, we withhold time, affection, and our love. Miller was struggling because he knew that he couldn't embrace the sin of these people who were living lifestyles contrary to God's Word. However, "God doesn't withhold love to teach us a lesson." It's much easier for someone to listen to you and you to them if there isn't some wall built up that they can sense that you are being defensive toward them.

I loved this quote:

When I am talking to somebody there are always two conversations going on. The first is on the surface; it is about politics or music or whatever it is our mouths are saying. The other is beneath the surface, on the level of the heart, and my heart is either communicating that I like the person I am talking to or I don't. God wants both conversations to be true. That is, we are supposed to speak truth in love. If both conversations are not true, God is not invovled in the exchange, we are on our own, and on our own, we will lead people astray. The bible says that if you talk to somebody with your mouth, and your heart does not love them, that you are like a person standing there smashing two cymbals together. You are only annoying everybody around you. I think that is very beautiful and true.

....When I go to meet somebody, I pray that God will help me feel His love for them. I ask God to make it so both conversations, the one from the mouth and the one from the heart, are true.

Faith of the Football Players

2008-01-06T16:45:00.001-06:00

NFL Sunday football is on TV in the living room. We just finished an early dinner and my mom and dad are reading the paper with the game on. I am writing this entry because I was just touched.

As we were watching the game (between the San Diego Chargers and Tennessee), Antonio Gates from the Chargers got injured. He grimaced in pain as trainers checked out his ankle. Not for long, but for a few moments, the camera went to a few players on the bench. The shot showed two large players from the Chargers holding hands and praying. I would assume they were praying for their injured teammate. What an amazing witness! They didn't think anyone was watching...the camera shot was from afar. They also didn't care who saw them. It was not discussed by the commentators and nobody else was around them. I don't even know who they were. I was so impressed by these two players who have so much...fame and fortune. But still, they realize that they have nothing without the Lord. Amidst that time they acknowledged that it was God who was in control of the situation and He had the power to work.

The game is still on. There's laundry to be finished and dishes to tend to. I want to clean the car and finish packing. But I was inspired today. Something small..but something so great.

In the Presence of My Enemies

2008-01-03T17:06:00.000-06:00

Last night I finally finished "In the Presence of My Enemies" by Gracia Burnham.

This book is the incredible story of Gracia and her husband, Martin who were serving as missionaries in the Philippines. On their anniversary, they went to stay at a resort in another area of the Philippines and were kidnapped. They were held hostage by the Abu Sayyaf for over a year. The book tells of their trials, joys, and interactions with radical Islam while held hostage. They suffered physically and spiritually. After over a year, the Philippine army finally caught up with this terrorist group and Martin was killed in the attempt to rescue the hostages. Gracia was the only one of the remaining hostages to make it out alive. Their story is captured in this book and it does a wonderful job of showing their spiritual struggles with God, but also how they continued to remind one another that God is indeed faithful. Gracia was reunited with her children after over a year and they are back in Kansas.

One of the most memorable passages was this:
We sat in the hammock a minute. Martin was in a reflective mood. He said, "I really don't know why this has happened to us. I've been thinking a lot lately about Psalm 100--what it says about serving the Lord with gladness. This may not seem much like serving the Lord, but that's what we're doing, you know? we may not leave this jungle alive, but we can leave this world serving the Lord 'with gladness'; we can 'come before his presence with singing' [Psalm 100:2]."
We prayed together then, something we did often. There was nothing else to do; we were totally dependent on the Lord. We thanked the Lord for bringing us this far safely, and of course we begged him to get us home and back to our kids. We told him we wanted to keep serving him with gladness.

And here is one more..the very end of the book:
The special people God gives us along the way make us stronger to face the trials of an ugly world. Obviously, I never expected to face something of this magnitude. But I thank the Lord for helping me to endure it. I honor the legacy of a wise and godly man who kept me going, trail after trail, gun battle after gun battle. I value the efforts of all who worked so hard to get me out alive. And I resolve to keep living in the embrace of God's gladness and love for as long as he gives me breath.

I love how Gracia talked over and over about how Martin was her rock in the jungle. He was the one to be positive and encourage. They sang hymns together and the only Scripture they had was what they had memorized and what people sent them in letters. And still, still, they see God as being ever so faithful. What great faith! What a great book.

Next on the docket: "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. I shall begin tonight. :)

Going Out Without Knowing

2008-01-02T10:12:00.000-06:00

Here is the entry from "My Utmost for His Highest" for today. I thought it was incredibly appropriate for my family today as we are taking Debbie to the airport and she is heading out for her deployment to Iraq.

(You can google "My Utmost for His Highest" and read the daily entry for free on the website. Or you can buy the book like me. It's pretty sweet. :) )

January 2, 2008

Will You Go Out Without Knowing?

He went out, not knowing where he was going —Hebrews 11:8

Have you ever "gone out" in this way? If so, there is no logical answer possible when anyone asks you what you are doing. One of the most difficult questions to answer in Christian work is, "What do you expect to do?" You don’t know what you are going to do. The only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing. Continually examine your attitude toward God to see if you are willing to "go out" in every area of your life, trusting in God entirely. It is this attitude that keeps you in constant wonder, because you don’t know what God is going to do next. Each morning as you wake, there is a new opportunity to "go out," building your confidence in God. ". . . do not worry about your life . . . nor about the body . . ." (Luke 12:22). In other words, don’t worry about the things that concerned you before you did "go out."

Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do— He reveals to you who He is. Do you believe in a miracle-working God, and will you "go out" in complete surrender to Him until you are not surprised one iota by anything He does?

Believe God is always the God you know Him to be when you are nearest to Him. Then think how unnecessary and disrespectful worry is! Let the attitude of your life be a continual willingness to "go out" in dependence upon God, and your life will have a sacred and inexpressible charm about it that is very satisfying to Jesus. You must learn to "go out" through your convictions, creeds, or experiences until you come to the point in your faith where there is nothing between yourself and God.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

2008-01-01T21:22:00.002-06:00

'07 is gone and '08 has come. My how the years fly by. Even though we're already in '08, I'd like to take a moment to reflect on the blessings of '07.

Let's see...

-Being with my HS crew for last New Years.
-Concordia (school)
-the new small group emerged. It has been more of a blessing that I could've ever imagined. I can't even tell you the benefits of walking along a group of people in faith. Sharing insight, stories, prayers, and struggles...I can't imagine the past year without them.
-the prayer chapel--a new discovery of a wonderful place at CSP. A small room that has been great for chatting, praying, taking a "time out" in the middle of the day or being an ear for someone else. It has been a remarkable blessing to me.
-spring break--stuck in the Twin Cities...in the dorms...we had church on our own because most in the Cities were canceled due to the snow.
-Meeting Gonso (an elderly buddy of Abby and me)--we learned so much from her; she showed us such a bold faith.
-Choir tour--meeting host families that always amaze me with gracious hospitality, spending Holy Week with friends and taking that journey together, spending time on the beach and on the bus, sharing ourselves and Christ with many people across Florida.
-Easter with a different family, but still considered family to me. Tim, Josiah, Shane, and I spent the holiday together. It was fun and probably one I won't forget for quite some time.
-Weddings galore. Watching dear friends being united before God. It was a special blessing to spend time with my Youth Encounter teammates at Troy and Joannie's wedding.
-Camp. Oh, camp. Joys, fun, struggles, weariness...great memories, great friends, great experience, great lessons learned. I was amazed by campers, challenged by staff, and encouraged constantly by a few friends that sent me mail and gave up some time for weekend phone calls. I'll never forget that crazy 2nd to last week of the summer...I was shocked and amazed by the care of my coworkers. I couldn't have made it without you all.
-Concordia in the fall...not to be mistaken for the previous Concordia...although they might be the same place and the same name, they are very different. Some new friends, new experiences, new challenges...things change as we get older. God has stretched me a lot this semester.
-CSP faculty--Thanks for caring. That's something I can't get over. I appreciate your constant support, guidance, and mentoring. You are the people who are shaping me. Thanks for taking the time and effort to do so. I learn so much from you all.
-Field Work!! One of the greatest blessings I have received this year has been my field work site. The people I work with, the youth in my small group, and all of the things I'm experiencing and learning have been phenomenal. I am so blessed.
-My pre-intern class. We are growing and taking this journey together. I am grateful for their support and camaraderie. Many a crazy night has went on in tier zero working on portfolios and papers. I am blessed again.
-My near and dear friends...I hope you know who you are. This has been an extremely challenging semester. More than I could ever or would ever need to describe. You may have heard lots about it or just bits and pieces, but knowing you're there and that you're praying for me and listening to me means the world to me. I may continue to be challenged by some of these things, but I know I'm not alone. I know I couldn't keep going if I were.
-Time with family--this Christmas break has been one of the best ones I've had with my family. I know partly because we know Debbie is leaving soon for Iraq and it's been important for us to do that. We aren't that close of a family, which is okay. However, this break has been really great to be with my family. This past week, I even got to spend a day with a TON of my dad's family that I rarely see. It was amazing. Fun filled, music filled, and just plain amazing.

I know I've been blessed much more than these few things that I've mentioned in the past year, but it is good to reflect and see that amidst some seemingly adverse times, God is faithful. God is present. God has and continues to bless me.

Now for '08..my "resolutions"..if you even want to call them that..are as follows:
-to make '08 the best year yet! Live life in the present with a good attitude and a grateful heart--living in the day that the Lord has made.
-to read the daily reading from "My Utmost for His Highest" and pass it on to someone else next year.
-to exercise more...I know that's broad, but I find it will help me with the first one; put me in a better frame of mind and body.

In other news, I still haven't finished "In the Presence of Mine Enemies." It's long and I've been at a friend's the last few days. I do know this however, it's not set in South America, but the Philippines. My mistake. More on that to come soon.

2007-12-25T21:28:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas, all!! I got to spend a wonderful holiday with my family. The last with all of us for awhile. I was chasing my 3 year old cousin about and remembering what an exciting time Christmas was for me as a child. We played with her Fisher Price Nativity Scene. It was refreshing to have church a few times in the past few days and make sure Christ is the center.

The day before Christmas Eve I began reading a book called She Said Yes.

It's a book I've wanted to read for years, but finally did. It's the story of Cassie Bernall, a victim from the Colombine Massacre back in 1999. This book by her mother gives an insight to the world of Cassie. She was asked by the attackers at Colombine if she believed in God and when she said "yes," she was killed. The story, however, doesn't sugar coat Cassie and is even reluctant to refer to her as a martyr. The book goes in depth about Cassie's own struggles and her potential for going down the same path as her killers. It is a story of a girl who had basically given her life to satan, literally, and God still turned her around.

One of my favorite parts in the book was when her mother was writing about Cassie's funeral and the message that the pastor gave. He was saying that Cassie didn't just die that day, but died every day before that. She said "yes" and died to herself everyday, again and again. Without that faith to say "yes" all of those other days, she may not have had the courage to say yes this time around.

Another very touching part that I appreciated was when the parents of one of the killers sent an apology letter to the Bernall family. Their faith in God was inspiring as well. I can't imagine what that situation must have been like, but it is amazing what God brings us through.

If you haven't read it or it's been awhile, I would encourage you to give it a look. I might include a favorite quote or two in the future.

Next on my list: Blue Like Jazz (a Christmas gift) and In the Presence of My Enemies (a book about some Kansas missionaries who were attacked in South America). I love having time to read over break.

2007-12-24T13:00:00.000-06:00

I pray that amidst all of the craziness the season can bring, that there is time to regain focus on the reason why we celebrate. Here are the lyrics to Relient K's "I Celebrate the Day"

With this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know
How much You've touched my life because
Here is where You're finding me
In the exact same place as New Year's Eve
And from the lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I wanna be

And the first time that You opened Your eyes
Did you realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did you know that it would change this world forever
And the first time that You opened your eyes
Did you realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And so this Christmas I'll compare
The things I've felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here

To look back
And think that
This baby would one day save me
And the hope that
That You give
That You were born so I might really live
To look back
And think that
This baby would one day save me…

And the first time that You opened Your eyes
Did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever
And the first time that You opened Your eyes
Did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And I
I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day
Pray for You to save my life
Pray for You to save my life
Pray for You to save my life

Free Rice

2007-12-23T20:19:00.000-06:00

So maybe you've seen this, maybe you haven't. It's a cool (and horribly easy) way to donate rice to starving people. Snopes.com even says it's legit! Click here and start playing the word game. For every answer you get correct, rice is donated! Do good while you get distracted online!

Intro..

2007-12-23T20:12:00.000-06:00

So I am starting this blog as a resource for others as well as somewhere to drop all of the crazy cool stuff that I find in my day to day wanderings.

It could be ways to serve, ways to get filled up, things happening in the world, and observations that I have made. Who knows?

The truth is when a disciple of Christ looks at the world, everything is seen as blessing and opportunity. That is what our relationship with God is. He blessed us with life and with a Savior from our sins. As disciples, we have the wondrous opportunity to serve Him in His Kingdom.

Enjoy!