Living a better story.

Living a better story. This is something that instantly caught my attention. As a single, nearly 24 year old female, a war wages within me. Two options: settle down or seek adventure. Adventure has always been a part of me. I often desire to learn a new language, climb a large mountain, or jump out of a plane. More than any of those things, though, I want to move to Africa. Jesus came to give us life to the full! So many times in my life, I’ve been overwhelmed with this sense that I was made for something bigger. A few years ago, I watched the movie, Hotel Rwanda. It has quite the intense story line, let me tell you. The one piece that really got me was this woman working for the Red Cross in the midst of all the genocide and conflict. She went back and forth through the thick of the massacre, put herself in the line of fire, and brought the orphan kids she cared for to safety. Something came over me and I remember saying out loud, “I could do that.” Since then, the thought hasn’t let me go. After a short visit to the West African country of Ghana, I realized more than ever that I had a passion for the people there, especially the AIDS orphans.

Some days, every fiber of my being wants to get on a plane with a duffel bag and not look back. I imagine myself, this tall, blond-haired, blue-eyed girl, getting off a plane that has outside stairs. The African air smells hot and dusty. I arrive at an empty building that is soon to be filled with children. I will offer them food, shelter, and Jesus. A little girl enters with big brown eyes and a hungry tummy, no shoes, and without family. I hold her close and praise God for His provision for her. One by one the rooms become filled and I am the proud mother of so many who don’t have my nose, eyes, or hair color. I get to love them, teach them to read and write, show them how to care for one another, and introduce them to the Savior that will never leave nor forsake them. A story like that is beautiful, big, and full of adventure! I want it to be mine.

So what’s keeping me here? The same thing that keeps aspiring musicians from ditching their restaurant jobs to go full force into recording and touring. It’s the same thing that keeps people going back to their job everyday when they've been burnt out for years. It’s the same thing that makes a person in their mid to late 20’s ask out anyone they come into contact with. Security. Comfortability. To be what we should and fit the mold. We get tricked into thinking that those are far better than the unknown.

I have fallen victim to chasing after dreams less wild. After all, who knows what’s beyond the wall around our comfort zones? Living in Africa could mean living amidst political unrest, calling a ratty cot and cement floor home, being far away from family and friends, or facing a life of singleness. It could mean weeks on end without rest from being a caretaker, being out of my culture and language, and carrying the heartbreaking stories of these children with wounded hearts. These possibilities make me unnerved and war against my innate need for adventure. I fear life outside that wall. The Living a Better Story Seminar could be just what I need to fan that flame within and be about something bigger. It could be the push for me to take that first leap of faith. Not only could it help me step outside my walls and into a better story, but give lots of children the opportunity to have a better story of their own.

So many things lie beyond our comfort zones. We must decide that the act of venturing outside our walls is more important that the fears we might face on our journey. There will be challenges and trying times, but the key is to never stop pushing those walls. Because there’s something else that lies outside of my comfort zone. A better story.

Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.

back in motion.

I know it's been ages since I've blogged last. I think I took such a crazy journey for awhile and then after that, I had not a clue as to how to describe what I had experienced.

I realized that I had stopped moving forward and had been slowing down for a long time, but this unforgiveness that plagued me, finally brought me to a screeching halt until God (and some incredible people that He has blessed me with) showed me that there is freedom in forgiveness. There is a freedom that is promised in the blood of Jesus. Bondage is no more.

So I went through a process of what it means to let go of things that have happened in the past. I really appreciated the definition of forgiveness that I was given: "It's not forgetting or even saying what happened is "okay," but it's letting that person off the hook. It's giving up your right to be angry." I think that made me even more angry for awhile. I have held on to the idea that I've deserved to be angry over certain things that have transpired in my life. That justification of my bitterness just deepened the issue that kept eating away at me. I didn't even realize it. I woke up one day and realized that there were certain things and people that I couldn't even encounter without feeling angry. There was this huge part of me that was clinging to a sin that was so unhealthy.

It took me awhile to realize that I was even wounded and once I did, it took me another while to realize I could and needed to be freed of that unforgiveness and bitterness. Once that happened and I asked God to heal me and guide me, I was overwhelmed by how quickly healing started to come. Those relationships and situations are already a billion times better than they have been in a long time. From there, it means continuing to take steps to improve those relationships and situations, continuing to claim the freedom I have from those wounds (especially when that anger creeps back in), and continually asking for compassion and love for those people and those situations. I think my biggest challenge now, however, is making myself more aware of how those wounds affect me in my adult life and how I need to overcome those wounds and habits to become a healthy woman of God. It has been an awesome process that I'm glad to continue.

I would like to say, however, that this process began and continues to be rooted in God's Word and wrapped in prayer. At the beginning of all of this, I went through Scripture and studied any reference to forgiveness that I could find. I learned that almost none of the times that Jesus spoke forgiveness (usually accompanied by physical healing) were solicited. He freely spoke forgiveness without apology. That was one huge hurdle for me to overcome. He spoke some strong words too about us being forgiven as much as we are willing to forgive. I'd encourage you to dig into Scripture about forgiveness if this is an issue on your heart. For any issue on your heart, really, it's the best place to start. The other thing about this process is not walking alone. I get so frustrated by this because I would much rather think that I could solve my issues on my own, but I can't. God created us for community to walk together through issues and joys. I have been blessed to have a mentor and friend through this process to listen to me, guide me, and pray with and for me. It's been phenomenal and I've already lined up a mentor for when I return to the Cities. I think it's a valuable thing to always find someone that can mentor us and always be a mentor type to someone else. It is how we grow and encourage others to do the same.

It's been amazing and I've been hugely blessed.

Since that huge spurt of growth, however, I've been feeling like I'm plateauing again. It can be easy to get complacent and not seek diligently after God's Word. I get cynical and jaded. But I know there are seasons to everything. God is still sovereign.

In other news, I've been entertaining yet another possible ministry path. I've always loved psychology and counseling is one of my favorite parts about ministry. My mentor friend suggested that I might consider a parish counseling path. Another thing to consider... I've been praying for God to reveal a passion in me and that was a conversation I had just after that. Who knows...still need to think and pray on that one. I get frustrated because I've already got too many options. God knows where I'm heading though. I'm trying to just rest in that.

In other news still, I've just returned from visiting the beloved Twin Cities. I had a marvelous time at a wedding and spending lots of time with great friends. I know I've missed them while I've been on internship, but when I was back with them, I was overwhelmed by how much I love them. :) I'm getting very excited to return there. It was a great visit to tie me over until I get to head back north. On the flight home, I got to journal quite a bit and most of it was reflecting on those relationships. My friends are wonderful and obvious proof that God knows me better than I know myself. He's blessed me more than I can ever know.

I'm on a new workout kick. I started tonight and I really hope it lasts. I don't want to be the intern that came back flabby. I've been hearing lots of my friends and people at church starting new workouts or diets and felt the need to step up. I know I'm going to be sore tomorrow.

I think that's about it, though... this is what God has been speaking to me. "Let me show you how much I love you." It's come up over and over again since Easter and I just love it. In wonderful times and in sad times, it has seemed to overwhelm me with God's truth and insurmountable love.

A month and a half left in Arizona...