rolling stones.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.

I'm going through so many things in my life currently...physically, socially, vocationally, academically. There's just a lot going on.

God has granted me an opportunity to get off campus and take some time today. As Kevin told me, I'm taking an opportunity to "create some mental space." I think that's great advice. Giving myself some time and space to think and pray and not be consumed by what surrounds me.

Well, the time I've taken to escape has been absolutely beautiful. I'm not escaping any issue, that's for sure. Nothing has been solved or removed, but when you back up, it's easier to see that God is moving all over in it, that He is reigning in the midst and over top of all these goings on, and that truly it is He that is my sustainer, my life, and my salvation. I know I talked about it in my last entry, but He is teaching me this and it takes me a long time to learn especially in the midst of so much that tries to challenge that truth.

So for the last couple of weeks, I've been battling this allergic reaction on my hand that is actually probably a lot bigger deal than I think it is, but I think it's beginning to get under control. It's incredible to me how draining physical pain is and truly you cannot focus on other types of needs when your basic physical needs are in jeopardy. I gained so much compassion for people in physical pain in these past couple of weeks. It makes me want to care for the hurting because it is difficult to be in pain and it is difficult to allow others to help you when you're in that situation. It is also difficult to be the ones walking alongside those in pain. You are rendered helpless and so are they. The gift of presence is a powerful one. I am so grateful to wonderful people in my life these past two weeks who have sat with me while I've cried and been in pain and when I've been grouchy because my tolerance was low. I'm sorry for that and I'm so grateful to you. I've seen God work in people taking care of me, in people working out getting me medicine that I cannot afford, and getting to go to the doctor when I didn't think it was possible. God you truly are providing in huge, bold, and obvious ways.

Socially, well... let's just say that I've made a lot of mistakes. I have neglected people in my life who are capable of loving me enormously and stretching me and growing me. I have been hurtful to some friends. It's so difficult being a sinner and realizing how much we are at the mercy of others and their willingness to forgive. Praise God for forgiving freely. Other relationships just look so different and to be honest, that hurts a lot, however, God is teaching me, once again, that I'm sustained in Him alone. So what do I do? I do what I know how--love, forgive, say I'm sorry, try to do better, and realize that in relationships with others, there is a lot that is out of my control. So the Holy Spirit is granting me peace and extra grace when I'm challenged. Sometimes, when it gets too hard, I have to step back, create some mental space, and trust in God's Word. Isaiah 43 reminds me that I've been redeemed and called by name and God calls me His. In John, he asks that God would make his joy complete in Christ. That is my prayer. I am being so challenged to look at my relationships as things that enhance my life, but don't define my life. Christ does that. Habakkuk 3 shows what it looks like to praise in the midst of life's stuff. And so we do. Because Christ is our sustainer.

Vocationally...well...I am trying to figure out life after graduation, which, as you can imagine is an incredible challenge and full of stress and ugh...well...everything. It's probably one of the biggest decisions I've ever made in my life and I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm tense, stressed, and trying to create some space to think, be at peace, and rest that God knows where I'm going and is going to bless it whatever I decide. I've been blessed with some good conversations in the past few days and I'm so grateful for the wise people that are in my life to speak truth into my heart and mind. See what I mean? Stepping back helps us to see His faithfulness. I've been in a bit of a cocoon lately just because discernment takes a lot of energy out of me and I want to give this process as much as it deserves. I've made some headway, I think, and I trust that God will guide. Creating space to listen and just be has been huge.

So here I am. In my created space.

Reading blogs about the struggles of people I'm praying for, reading about the incredible joys and stories of overcoming struggles, hearing from people that God has given me and listening to their pain and their indescribable strength, the depth of their struggle, and others ability to see past it into the salvation Christ has brought us. And at this point...all I can think about....is rocks.

Rocks. I know, right?

There are rocks, aren't there. Every flipping where. Rocks. You know the bear hunt song..."can't go under it, can't go over it, can't go around, can't go through it." Usually there's one that you can do in that song, but our rocks in life don't work like that. They are just plain in the way. We have to go through them, but boy is that messy and boy does it hurt. Future decisions, struggles in relationships, death, academic struggles, transitions, physical pain, cancer, distance from loved ones. There. are. rocks.

Right now one of the most relevant passages to me is of the women going to the tomb on Easter morning. It's appropriate for our Lenten journey. Maybe a bit premature..but you know...it's good stuff and totally where I'm at. The women were mourning and carried their spices and oils down the road with their heads hanging low. Their minds were fuzzy with grief and the world around them was clouded. All of a sudden it dawns on one of them..."who will roll the stone away?" Doesn't that just hit you?!? Those dad gum rocks. They are so big. They stare us in the face. They won't go away and we sure as heck couldn't budge them. We just sit there, look up, and say "who will roll the stone away?"

Satan likes rocks. He puts them in our way. He thought that rock was going to hold our Savior. Ha! Well...here's the thing... Jesus (and one of the angels) rolled the stone away. He couldn't be held by a rock and His power isn't contained by the rocks in our life either. Who will roll the stone away? Jesus already has. He's a stone roller (not to be confused with a Rolling Stone :D ) and He continues to roll stones for us. Let's face it. There are going to be times when we've been asked to go, not know how the stone is going to get rolled away, but trusting that it's going to be rolled away when we arrive. But even on that journey of walking in faith, we might be doing a lot of asking "who will roll the stone away?" The eternal question has been answered. And it's Jesus.

I'm speechless, in awe, and grateful that He didn't leave the stone unturned.

You hold everything together.

I've never claimed to be good at prayer or understand how it works. When I think about that, actually, I get crabby because it's so beyond my comprehension.

How incredible, though, that we can approach the throne of Jesus boldly with anything. Anything at all...nothing to big or small... The door is open to us. His ear is leaned in our direction. He promises to hear us. So tonight, Lord, I take rest in the fact that you hear me. Today has been a day of constant prayer. I don't know where it came from exactly. I don't claim at all to be a prayer warrior. It's something I would like to be. I'm so all over the place most days that it's hard to remember or focus. I guess that would improve with prayer and practice. But today, there was so much on my heart and mind...my family, friends, people in need of healing, the future, the hearts of those who aren't believers, stress and busyness, relationships of all shapes and sizes, and to just be still.

We read this verse today in OLF and it was actually made into a song lyric that has been running continuously in my head.

"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." Colossians 1:17

I took so much rest in that verse today. God is in control; holding everything together. Our professor talked about how we might be offended to need to be held together. Offended at the idea that we, ourselves aren't holding things together. No. I could see myself going there on other days perhaps. But today.....I needed to be held together. People asked for forms, scheduled appointments, wanting assignments, giving deadlines, wanting updates, giving updates, needing discussions, needing time/energy/focus/love, wanting encouragement, etc...the list marches on. I rested in the fact that God holds all things...including me...together. I think of those circular puzzles. That's the image I get. The pieces are loose and will fall apart, but Christ is the gravity in the center holding it together. Gravity. Jesus is our rock that we can be grounded on and force that holds us there. This is an epic connection.

In this verse, I also hear the name I AM. He was before all things...He was...He holds all things together...He is and is to come. He's a sandwich who is the Alpha, Omega, and in the middle. And the bread is what especially holds a sandwich together. Okay...so I'm a visual person. This is seriously what I think about in class during our conversations. Theology...and sandwiches. Not a bad combo. McDonald's should market that.

Today was odd. Even though it was filled to the brim of activity, people, emotion, intellect, and other stimulating things, I couldn't help but find myself being so loved by Jesus and so in love with Him. It's been awhile since I've really sat in this place. I think there's something to be said for me being a quality time person. It's my primary love language and as of late, I've been in the Word and in prayer a lot as my Rock to lean on. It's funny how when I don't spend time with people, I feel so disconnected, but when I spend quality time with someone, I feel so loved and connected. I've observed the same in my relationship with the Lord. Even though I know His love doesn't change, being in the Word to hear about His love for me and praying (acknowledging His love for me because He promises to hear me) has provided me with some great quality time to receive the love of Christ.

Love like a hurricane. I am a tree.

Jesus is Unmoved and He is in Us

Boy, has it been a long time since I've written on this blog consistently. I haven't really thought through the purpose of this blog, but I guess it's probably so I can remind myself later of what God is doing and has done in my life as well as share it with those who care to walk alongside the path that carries my journey.

So for today, this is what I've got.

God is teaching me some pretty big lessons at this point in time. These lessons aren't really measurable or tangible per say, but some may argue that it means they are all the more important.

-The first of these lessons is trust and I guess it is more of a fringe benefit of the greater lesson that is to follow. I'll say more about this, but God is teaching me peace and rest at the moment. I am reading a book called Traveling Light at the moment and it is all based on the 23rd Psalm. The crux of my growing from that Psalm lies in the following verses:

¹ The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

² He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

³ he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

Believing in these promises and discovering more meaning in them (with the help of Max Lucado) has helped me to calm down in Jesus. Our Shepherd is good. He gives us what we need. He helps us to rest when we are being compared to the most volatile animal that cannot sleep without just the right conditions (Lucado's observation). He makes it possible for us to rest and brings restoration to us. He guides our paths. Trusting and simply falling limp into these promises and letting them hold me is the goal. More and more I see Jesus taking away my fears, calming my anxieties, reassuring me that He was, is, and will be in control. This is good for me as a person standing on the brink of the unknown. The Lord is my Shepherd; leading me into what I cannot see or know.

-The second and greater lesson I'm learning is similar and being tested intensely and repeatedly. It's good, it's frustrating, it's challenging, and it's good. It's nothing that hasn't been said before, so if you're looking to the secret to life, well this is probably as close as there is to one, but it's not really a secret. Here it is....

I know that my Redeemer lives,
and that in the end he will stand upon the earth.^"

²⁶ And after my skin has been destroyed,
yet in my flesh I will see God;

²⁷ I myself will see him
with my own eyes—I, and not another.
How my heart yearns within me! Job 19:25-27

Job was an incredible man of faith who got what I'm about to say. He went through a multitude of struggles and afflictions and still he rested in the truth that he belonged to the Lord and that his Lord was in control and taking care of him. Wow. Yesterday I put a pretty good summary of this on my Twitter. "I belong to Jesus & I'm okay. Regardless of circumstances or people that surround me, that holds true. Thanks be to God." My hope, my joy, my peace, my wholeness, my identity, my dreams, my groundedness, my love, my sturdiness, my strength, my wisdom, my passion, everything I am...it rests in nothing else but Jesus Christ and the fact that I am His. There are so many things in my daily life that knock me off balance and have the ability to wreck my mood like coffee on a white sweater. It's unbelievable how quickly my entire outlook can change by the smallest of circumstances or one small gesture from a person. The truth is, what I have in Jesus is so much bigger than my feelings or moods. What I have in Jesus is so much bigger than who people say I am, how someone chooses to treat me at a given time, or a circumstance that is beyond my control. I've been facing some hurtful situations recently with few places to turn to. But standing on the Rock of the Gospel means that we are not moved by the things of this world. Because greater is the One who is in us. Amen for that!! Not only does it free me from being knocked out of whack every time someone hurts my feelings, but it frees me so deeply that I can keep loving freely. Don't mishear me, I'm not advocating being a doormat. I'm just saying that when Jesus is for you, honestly, who can even be against you? The things I think I need in life or from people becoming secondary to what I already have in the salvation found in Christ. Max Lucado says this in Traveling Light:

"Are you hoping that a change in circumstances will bring a change in your attitude? If so, you are in prison, and you need to learn a secret of traveling light. What you have in your Shepherd is greater than what you don't have in life."

Jesus is the ultimate game changer. Today I was thinking how blessed we are to have this hope and be able to be held by Jesus in the midst of such a chaotic world that is scary and full of uncertainty. My comments were this:

"There's something about Him. About His promises and how He came. How He suffered and did the unthinkable--coming back to life so we could have it with Him. There's just something about Him that makes everything right. No matter what is said, done, seen, felt, or heard, it is nothing in comparison. He was, is, and will be and in that, we are made unshakeable."

I pray this is a place that God holds me in and that I can fall deeper into rest in Jesus and it is my prayer that you can rest there too. He gives it freely. Praise God for that. Without Him I'd be beyond a wreck. Even when He is there, I wreck things trying to do it myself. He quiets me and says "let me lead you by still waters." Lead on, Lord.

coffee in the afternoon is watching love.

I love sitting in coffee shops in the afternoon. Some days I feel like I'm in a movie. Eric Whitacre graces my ears and the world seems to slow down. I imagine what a couple at the high table along the wall is discussing. The lady next to me, I imagine she's trying to write an email to her granddaughter in Westminster, Maryland. A little boy with shiny brown hair and his cheeks full of air leans against the pastry glass. Grandpa can't say no. He takes his new treasure to a table and opens it like a new package on Christmas morning. His feet tawdle to and fro and his face is graced with powdered sugar like the cold sidewalks outside the window. People rush in and out. Sucked into laptops or staring into space. Every time the door opens it's an exciting new plot twist to the establishment's day. Who will grace us with their presence? Where did they come from and where are they going? To be a flower on the lapel of all who enter and exit would be quite extraordinary. The little one is thirsty. He climbs up on a large chair to reach the water cooler. So proud that he did it himself, he stops to take a drink out of his paper cup. He looks down unsure how he'll climb to the floor with his water cup. A gentleman watches with a grin. Reaching out to this adventurous young lad, he takes the cup. Unsure for a moment, the boy looks at his cup and back to the man. The child smiles and hands the man the cup. He jumps off the chair and takes the cup back to his grandpa. The love of a day with Grandpa. As the choir sings in my ears, he mouths "say thank you!." The boy turns back. "Thank you." And it's back to the donut. That's love. Donuts with Grandpa. A stranger to hold your cup while you jump off your chair. And a warm place with warm drinks on a cold day. Oh, to see the love that surrounds us and to join in with love. The beautiful chords, melodies and harmonies that seem to fill the room, but only in my mind. It's the sound of love. You can't see it, but it fills you. You can't describe it, but you witness it unfold and in some way it changes you. And maybe only for a moment, the world seems full of purpose and beauty as people, words, events, schedules, dreams, and beverages seem to dance and together weaving into a grand choral work. The darkness is painful but brings meaning, depth, and gratitude. The light is life and hope. And to stand back and watch it all mix together into something grandiose. This is a snapshot. How worlds combine at a single point in time, to make a chord that will be part of a greater theme of ups and downs. No matter the notes, no matter the direction, no matter anything, the song is held together by love.

back in motion.

I know it's been ages since I've blogged last. I think I took such a crazy journey for awhile and then after that, I had not a clue as to how to describe what I had experienced.

I realized that I had stopped moving forward and had been slowing down for a long time, but this unforgiveness that plagued me, finally brought me to a screeching halt until God (and some incredible people that He has blessed me with) showed me that there is freedom in forgiveness. There is a freedom that is promised in the blood of Jesus. Bondage is no more.

So I went through a process of what it means to let go of things that have happened in the past. I really appreciated the definition of forgiveness that I was given: "It's not forgetting or even saying what happened is "okay," but it's letting that person off the hook. It's giving up your right to be angry." I think that made me even more angry for awhile. I have held on to the idea that I've deserved to be angry over certain things that have transpired in my life. That justification of my bitterness just deepened the issue that kept eating away at me. I didn't even realize it. I woke up one day and realized that there were certain things and people that I couldn't even encounter without feeling angry. There was this huge part of me that was clinging to a sin that was so unhealthy.

It took me awhile to realize that I was even wounded and once I did, it took me another while to realize I could and needed to be freed of that unforgiveness and bitterness. Once that happened and I asked God to heal me and guide me, I was overwhelmed by how quickly healing started to come. Those relationships and situations are already a billion times better than they have been in a long time. From there, it means continuing to take steps to improve those relationships and situations, continuing to claim the freedom I have from those wounds (especially when that anger creeps back in), and continually asking for compassion and love for those people and those situations. I think my biggest challenge now, however, is making myself more aware of how those wounds affect me in my adult life and how I need to overcome those wounds and habits to become a healthy woman of God. It has been an awesome process that I'm glad to continue.

I would like to say, however, that this process began and continues to be rooted in God's Word and wrapped in prayer. At the beginning of all of this, I went through Scripture and studied any reference to forgiveness that I could find. I learned that almost none of the times that Jesus spoke forgiveness (usually accompanied by physical healing) were solicited. He freely spoke forgiveness without apology. That was one huge hurdle for me to overcome. He spoke some strong words too about us being forgiven as much as we are willing to forgive. I'd encourage you to dig into Scripture about forgiveness if this is an issue on your heart. For any issue on your heart, really, it's the best place to start. The other thing about this process is not walking alone. I get so frustrated by this because I would much rather think that I could solve my issues on my own, but I can't. God created us for community to walk together through issues and joys. I have been blessed to have a mentor and friend through this process to listen to me, guide me, and pray with and for me. It's been phenomenal and I've already lined up a mentor for when I return to the Cities. I think it's a valuable thing to always find someone that can mentor us and always be a mentor type to someone else. It is how we grow and encourage others to do the same.

It's been amazing and I've been hugely blessed.

Since that huge spurt of growth, however, I've been feeling like I'm plateauing again. It can be easy to get complacent and not seek diligently after God's Word. I get cynical and jaded. But I know there are seasons to everything. God is still sovereign.

In other news, I've been entertaining yet another possible ministry path. I've always loved psychology and counseling is one of my favorite parts about ministry. My mentor friend suggested that I might consider a parish counseling path. Another thing to consider... I've been praying for God to reveal a passion in me and that was a conversation I had just after that. Who knows...still need to think and pray on that one. I get frustrated because I've already got too many options. God knows where I'm heading though. I'm trying to just rest in that.

In other news still, I've just returned from visiting the beloved Twin Cities. I had a marvelous time at a wedding and spending lots of time with great friends. I know I've missed them while I've been on internship, but when I was back with them, I was overwhelmed by how much I love them. :) I'm getting very excited to return there. It was a great visit to tie me over until I get to head back north. On the flight home, I got to journal quite a bit and most of it was reflecting on those relationships. My friends are wonderful and obvious proof that God knows me better than I know myself. He's blessed me more than I can ever know.

I'm on a new workout kick. I started tonight and I really hope it lasts. I don't want to be the intern that came back flabby. I've been hearing lots of my friends and people at church starting new workouts or diets and felt the need to step up. I know I'm going to be sore tomorrow.

I think that's about it, though... this is what God has been speaking to me. "Let me show you how much I love you." It's come up over and over again since Easter and I just love it. In wonderful times and in sad times, it has seemed to overwhelm me with God's truth and insurmountable love.

A month and a half left in Arizona...

I've ceased to move forward. I'm trying to figure out how to get going again. God is faithful.

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

It's time to be still so God can heal me and free me of the chains that keep me from moving forward.

Beautiful...because He made me so.

Right now I'm teaching a confirmation class just for the girls. This past Sunday we talked about some self-image things.

I brought in some teen girl magazines and fashion magazines. I let them flip through them and asked the girls to pick out who the most beautiful person in that magazine was. Once they picked the person I asked them to say why they picked that person. Then I had them make a list on their paper starting with this prompt: "If I were as beautiful as this person I would have to change..."

The reactions from the girls were priceless. "What??" "You want us to do what?!?" "This really makes me feel bad." So on and so forth.

After a few minutes, I asked them to share what was on their list. Almost everyone shared something. Things like weight, acne, different hair, nose, ears, teeth...you name it...it was on the list. As we all faced our demons (quite literally, when you think about it), it was a huge reality of how much of an impact these things have on how we feel about ourselves. Everyone felt heavy.

Then we watched this video:


It was incredible to watch them as they watched it. You watch this woman be completely transformed and once she looks beautiful already, they go in and manipulate her facial features on the computer. Then that is what is being put on billboards. How sick! That is what our young women and girls are comparing themselves to! It's not even real..but that's what we think we have to be. How sad.

So we went back to our list. I told them how we think that we have to be just as beautiful as these models, as people on TV, as people on billboards, but it's not real. I led them in ripping up their papers.

I kind of got on my soapbox at this point. I mean, how often do young girls let a magazine tell them who they are instead of opening Scripture? How many more times to we open a magazine or a self-help book to figure out what we need to be instead of looking in God's Word? Satan fills the media with sneaky messages that enter our minds and tell us that being who God created us to be isn't enough. We have to be more than that. Well, guess what satan, you're WRONG!

We went into Scripture and looked through some of my favorite passages about who God says we are.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30

He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me. Psalm 18:19

I told those girls (and I know it doesn't sink in after hearing it once...especially when they are bombarded with the opposite messages) that they are a masterpiece of God. We see the awesome works that He has done and He claims us as the crown of creation! He delights in us! I asked them if they knew what that meant and they really didn't have much of an idea. I explained to them that just looking at or being our presence brings utter joy to our Lord. When He looks at you, He honestly can't help but smile. He just soaks you in...He delights in you. He created you as His wonderful masterpiece. I encouraged them to memorize these verses so that when the world and satan tried to get in their head and convince them otherwise, they could say to that person or to that voice in their head: "ya know what?? Bugger off! I'm fearfully and wonderfully made and you have nothing on me!"

I pray for the day that those girls believe that to be true.

I remember always being told when I was growing up that "beauty is on the inside." Yeah...so are blood and cells and that doesn't really get you attention you desire and, to some extent, need. Beauty does come from the heart, but it shines outward. I remember thinking that my dad would tell me that all of the time because I wasn't pretty. It ultimately made me feel worse about myself and I still feel that way when he says that. I want to know that I'm beautiful because that's a gift that God has given to women. He made me to be beautiful, inside and out, and claiming that Truth is what shines. If you're just building up the outside, it's a mask with emptiness at the core. Beauty is meant to be delighted in. I'm saddened that girls are so bombarded with unhealthy messages about who they have to be and don't truly believe that being a Daughter of the King is where their beauty truly lies.

I contemplate this as I sit on my couch...lamenting over wearing my bathing suit and trying to fight off the urge to have a bowl of ice cream. We're all fighting that battle. Good thing God's word is living and active; sharper than any double edged sword. (Hebrews 4:12)

I'm going to go listen to Bethany Dillon's song, Beautiful.