the boat is small. water is rising around my feet.

I had kind of a "meh" day.

I just watched the presidential debate and that only added to my "blech"ness.

Our country needs prayer for our future leader. Neither candidate impressed me even slightly. I was quite disappointed in both of them.

My parents are picking up my sister on Friday!!!!!! :D Then my other sister is moving on Saturday (even though she's on crutches after having surgery on both knees last week). Then Sunday, is my little cousin's 4th birthday. It sounds like a busy weekend...but I'd like to be with my family. Starting Friday, I'll be the only one missing again. :(

I just really wish my friends were here right now. :( Iwishiwishiwish. I know it's such a long way from school, but it's too bad that people can visit for fall break. It's strange hearing about it, but not having it. I get teary-eyed thinking about people visiting. I just want my friends to be here so badly.

This is not a very happy post. Sorry.

This week's worship services is shaped around Jesus calming the storm. There's a great song that I have from team that I'm going to be playing as special music and it totally describes my feeling today.

When everything is wrong,
The day has passed and nothing's done.
And the whole world seems against me.
When I'm rolling in my bed,
There's a storm in my head.
I'm afraid of sinking in despair.
...
You rebuked the wind and the waves.
Once again I find I'm amazed,
At the power of Your will.
'Cause I'm a child of little faith.
I feel the wind and forget Your grace.
And You say, "Peace. Be still."
...
There on the storm I am learning to let go,
The white wave's high.
It's crashing o'er the deck
And I don't know where I go.
Where are you, Lord?
Is this ship going down?
The mast is gone, so throw the anchor.
Should I jump and try to swim for land?
...
There on the storm teach me God to understand,
Your will that I just cannot control.
There may I see all Your love protecting me.
I thank You, Lord,
You are the Calmer of the storm.

Now back to some more network TV and early bedtime.

His Word speaks, Music speaks, and maybe someday, in some way, I will too..

So I went to this young adult worship thing that I go to sometimes. Tonight was different, though, on a few different levels.

First of all, Christian artist, JJ Heller, was there to lead worship and do a couple of sets of her stuff. It was soo good. Like, I'm telling you...she was SO great. She has a folky sound and her and her husband just sounded so lovely together. PLEASE check it out.

(Click the graphic to download a FREE copy of her newest album. It's really great. :) )

I was blessed by JJ and her husband's music for a few different reasons.
-They were great with a sound that is unique to the Christian scene.
-It's just her and her husband up there singing and playing. Throughout the sets they joke with each other, glance at each other, and love playing music together. Her husband was saying just how truly blessed they are that they get to travel together and be in ministry together. That's so awesome to me.
-I want to do what they're doing. Yup. :)

On another note, there's this guy, Chris, that usually speaks every week. Well, he did again tonight and usually I'm into it, but tonight I really wasn't to be honest. He directed us to a place in the Bible and from there, I was completely absorbed in God's Word. I know this isn't a bad thing. :) I'm sure, however, that God had some good things to say through Chris tonight, but instead He decided to point me into the Word a bit more.

A few things caught my eye:
-the story of David and Mephibosheth. Read it. It's absolutely amazing...one of David's lesser proclaimed, but absolutely lovely moments. It's a beautiful story about grace and mercy that David pours out and welcomes Mephibosheth to his table. We see such a reflection of who God is for us in this story. He carries us to His table..dirty and unworthy, but couldn't be more welcome.
-1 Peter 3:4-6 also spoke to me. Peter writes to the women in these churches:
Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They trusted God and accepted the authority of their husbands. For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do.

I've been really struggling with shopping all of the time. I don't have much else to do and I'm getting all into the "image" that I portray and so on. 'I "need" these jeans,' 'I would look much cooler with this necklace,' 'I need a hair style that looks more like a musician.' Wow. This passage jumped out at me and spoke truth about all three of those things.

Then JJ sang this song called "True Things." It's all about how we are not what we wear, what we look like, what we do, etc...but we are filled with true things because God says we are. We are worthy of love because God loves us.

It was a really great evening of worship and hearing God's truth spoken to me. I can't tell you how good it is to go to a worship and not lead it.

I had an overall great day--God revealed a lot to me today...more than I can say in one entry. Spiritual gifts, mission work, scary (but exciting) realities, music, and seeing how God moves. Wow. I hope that one day we can meet for coffee and you can tell me your story...and maybe I'll tell you a few of my own. :)

"So no one told you life was gonna be this way...but I'll be there for you 'cause you're there for me too.."

Skype is amazing! Since downloading this awesome webcam program, I've got to have several conversations with people across the country. It's kinda strange, but sooo awesome. I actually feel like I'm hanging out with people and I got to talk to the other interns, attend small group, take a tour of the RLC, and go to Fish. Weird, I know...but I'm not kidding. It's really made me feel a lot better. It's been more evident to me this year than ever before that community is so important. Friends are so important. Having a support system, people to unwind and destress with, people to listen when things are wrong and laugh because you can, people that you just know are going to love you.

"Again I saw something meaningless under the sun:

There was a man all alone;
he had neither son nor brother.
There was no end to his toil,
yet his eyes were not content with his wealth.
"For whom am I toiling," he asked,
"and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?"
This too is meaningless—
a miserable business!
Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:7-12

Even if it's just via the internet, I'm still soo blessed by my friends. It's not a situation that I'd want to be in for too long, but for this year, I am being reminded that friends are not something to be taken for granted. They are such a huge blessing from God. Who are the people in your life that are important to you? Have you spent time with them lately? Have you told them why they're important to you? It's not a bad idea...let them know that you appreciate and love them. :)

As I laughed with Josiah this evening and then with Bri until tears were rolling down my face, I realized...it doesn't get much better than this.

Alliteration Anecdotes Are Always Appealing

Lots has happened since my last entry...

1. Serving Stewart
I went into Phoenix to hang out with Josiah on Thursday. Well, he really wanted to find pumpkin pie, so we went to several "Perkins-esque" type restaurants and found nothing. We went to the last one and there was a man sitting outside of the restaurant begging for money. Josiah went to talk to him and he asked for some cash. We didn't have any really, so we took him inside to order him some food. While waiting for the food, we learned that his name was Stewart, he'd just got out of prison and was facing a hard road. He has drug and alcohol addictions, is homeless, hungry, and far from family who might be able to help him. We were just listening to his story and encouraging him with his efforts to turn his life around. We talked to him for probably almost an hour. Josiah had an idea to tell Stewart about his church that was just down the street. Josiah called his mom to see when Celebrate Recovery (a support program for addicts) met and it just so happened that it was meeting right then. We decided to take Stewart there. We took him to the church with his food, got him sat down at a table, and explained to the head of the ministry about his struggles and the fact that he didn't have a place to sleep that night. Stewart kept thanking us and saying that he knew that God would send help. We were encouraging him that with God's help, he could turn his life around. We haven't heard from him since then. Josiah was supposed to meet him the next morning, so he could go to his court appointment, but Stewart didn't show. We hope that someone from the church got him connected with the right people to help him. It was quite an adventure...and to be honest, there is probably no way that I would've went through all of that without Josiah taking the lead and really having a heart for Stewart. I wonder how long it's been since someone had sat and talked with him and put a hand on his shoulder. I pray for him tonight and that he's doing okay.

Talk about an answered prayer about having a heart for people and their hurts! (see previous entry) Geesh! God is so good.

2. Reverend Relocation
Yesterday, our new associate pastor and his family moved in to their new house. I went over to help them move and ended up staying most of the day to help his wife, Cher, unpack all of the kitchen stuff and wash all of the dishes before putting them away. It was really nice just talking and working with her. We talked the whole time. She encouraged me about being a woman of God that doesn't just give in to what's easy and what's accepted by society, but waiting for the promises of God to be fulfilled in me. She wanted to know about my call to ministry...it was funny to hear someone use that phrase in reference to my life. She wanted to know about boys. She wanted to know about future plans and goals. It was refreshing to me. I felt so blessed to have another affirming woman in my life that could be a really great mentor and friend. She also really affirmed me. She was saying that she truly believes that I was gifted especially to be a worship leader and that there's just something about me when I'm leading...that the Holy Spirit speaks. She told me that I should at least consider worship leading, if not pursue it. I told her that my heart was definitely open to it and I'm going to think/pray over it this year. Cher also said something else that I thought was very profound and thoughtful: "I just can't wait to see who you are at the end of this year. I'm so curious and excited to see what God is teaching you this year and what it is that He's preparing you for through this internship."

I had to stop. I hadn't really thought of any of those things. I mean, I have my plans and ideas...which is dangerous. (Check out James 4 as to why..it really spoke to me.) Again, I got to a place of humility. God is using me. Wow. What a realization! And somehow...through using me here, He's preparing me to be used elsewhere...in places I haven't even heard of yet! Very humbling and exciting.

3. Battle of the Bands
I was just hanging out at home last night when Lori called and she and Dan were taking Ivan and heading out to watch Dimitri's marching band competition and invited me to come. :) It was something different to do and it's always fun to be around a family. They are a really great one too. :) I had fun watching the different bands perform and reminiscing about what high school was like...and how different I feel from the kids that are that age now. It's always great to be amidst families though and I got to see one of my youth do something that he's so deeply devoted to. It was very cool. AND...it just so happens, that his director is from Phantom Regiment. Sooo...via this experience, Dimitri and I have a whole new thing to connect about!

4. Tag along Tidbits
-Debbie is going to be back in the States soon!!!!!!! Pray for safe travel. I'm beside myself with excitement.
-youth worship team went well tonight, they're sounding really good! It's exciting!
-We talked about Abigail in Women of the Old Testament tonight. What a phenomenal woman! The lesson challenged us to challenge ourselves as to how we can be peacekeepers in our own lives. Something think upon...what areas do I need more peace?
-Singing for a funeral tomorrow...maybe playing guitar too. Kinda stressful for me to do that...but we'll see. It may not be too bad.
-School is out on break...so I don't have to teach for awhile. It'll give me more time to get work done and plan ahead. :)
-Even though I'm really feeling very good about being here and what's going on here, I still miss my friends. I think even if I had made lots of friends here already, I'd still miss them. I really really, really love my friends. That's all. :)

losing my phone, my patience, & my apathy toward the human race

My phone is gone. I hosted the ladies from church tonight for our monthly Bunco night. After all was cleaned up and everyone had left, I realized that I had a phone date that was a few minutes overdue. I looked around the counter and my phone was nowhere to be found. I looked everywhere...outside, all over inside, & even had a friend call it. Nothing. I have a feeling that someone took it by mistake. My eyes were opened to my ridiculous dependence on it though. I guess it seems more legit though since I'm away from loved ones and it's one of the very few ways I can stay connected. Reason #1 that my priorities are outta wack. I can't be away from my phone for a few moments without flipping, but I can skip a day of being in the Word so easily.

I went to a few of meetings today... at a couple of them, I felt like I was on the outside. I guess it's understandable because I'm new and such and they're discussing things that have gone on for awhile, but still. I don't know...sometimes I feel like asking me what I think is a just a formality. This is reason #2 that my priorities are outta wack. I can't be apart of anything that I don't have some sort of control over, otherwise I'm dissatisfied. It doesn't always have to be about me--I think this is what my frustration boils down to.

I've been asking God to really give me His heart for people in the last few months and especially the last few weeks. I want compassion for people and really want to care about them and help them with what they're going through. There's this song that's come on the radio recently called "Give Me Your Eyes." It's an incredible song about asking God to show us how He sees His children. Well, tonight, something was started. There's a profile on Twitter called CSPSecrets and it's a profile devoted to anyone in the CSP community to share anonymously, like the site Post Secret. It's already been sooo enlightening to see all of the people that are struggling and feel like they are alone and can't share those things. It makes you wonder what any person that you interact with is going through or carrying with them. It really stops and makes you think twice about how to enteract with people. Everyone is fragile. Everyone has baggage. Everyone has stuff. Be gentle.

Find joy in everything. That's what I want my attitude to be. That..and love. Just loving people. I've been on a kick about this since January, but I just want to love people just because they are creation of the Maker. I fail often, but this is what I strive for.

So for now...computer is my only form of communication, going with the flow (but also being involved) is something that I'm going to work on, and love. Love is my goal, my focus, and my passion.

It's the only thing that makes sense and really the only thing that we have to give that is of some value. One of my favorite movies, Moulin Rouge, says this, "the greatest thing, you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

...be loved in return...that's a topic for another day.

acapella thoughts on overdue movies and the church

As I sit in my apartment watching videos of acapella groups (4th gear) on youtube my mind continues to mill and mill.

A few things:
1. There aren't many acapella groups with girls, but I'd love to be in one.
2. I can't wait to be in a band. I honestly love that I get to sing everyday. I can't tell you how much.
3. I never imagined how difficult this time of internship would be to be away from friends.
4. I'm meeting the other area DCE's tomorrow and I'm utterly stoked. Like, probably to a ridiculous level...but I don't care. I'm especially excited about meeting fellow interns--ecstatic!
5. I should give myself a bed time because I've been staying up way too late just dinking around on the internet lately. I'm okay with it when I'm talking to people online, but that's not what's kept me up the last few nights.
6. Do you think overdue movie rentals are a sin? If so, I'm currently living in sin. I'm repenting/correcting my sin tomorrow though.
7. What is my purpose here? Why does God have me in this place at this time?

Tonight in church council Bible study (I'm utterly amazed that the church council has a Bible study, by the way) we watched the Nooma video, Sunday. It talks all about rituals and going to church because it's a habit and doing all of these things in order to see and be seen. It turns into a way to make ourselves look good instead of a true act of passion and love for our God. Rob Bell talked about how God doesn't want these empty works. He wants our hearts.

This is going to sound weird, I'm sure, but the thing is...I think that's almost more difficult to me. I mean, ask me to do something and I'll do it and to my best ability. You want to love me and show me how you love me? Yikes. That scares me. You just want me to simply love you and allow myself to be known? That's something I don't do well at all. But that's what You want.

I think back on my day to day life. I measure the day by how many checks are marked on my "to do" list or how empty my assignment white board is. I measure my life in the "business" side of things. I remember back to a class last year when we talked about programming vs. relationship building. Being a DCE is about relationship building, not how many programs you can pull off. Sometimes they're necessary to build the relationships...but not the important things themselves. So I think about my day. How many people did I connect with today? How many people did I stop to say "hi" to and see how they were doing? Who did I serve today? I'm worried about the "business" of my day...but guess what? I work for God's church and He's in the business of people! :) Don't just go to church, BE the church.

Just something to think about...

In the mean time, I need to tend to the business of returning/repenting for my overdue movies.

What's Your Story?

One of my favorite things to do is listen to stories. I love hearing the stories of strangers and people that I have known for years. This is how we can learn to understand someone, how we can show someone that we care about them, and how we can gain compassion for others.
For the past several weeks in the senior high Bible study time we have been studying the book of Romans. There are so many great themes and messages that are displayed throughout Romans. Our first lessons was studying the first several verses of the book and we talked about Paul’s pure joy and excitement to share the Gospel with the world. In the first verse of Romans, Paul even goes so far to say that he was “set apart for the Gospel of God (Rom. 1:1).” Paul, a converted persecutor of Christians, wanted to live for nothing else but to spread the message of Christ crucified. In verse 16 of Romans 1, Paul writes: “I am not ashamed of the Gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes.” This was the confirmation verse that was chosen for me, so it is familiar. However, when I think of Paul’s circumstances and his passion for the Gospel, I am continually amazed. The same message he had killed people for in the past became something that he was willing to die for himself.
The conversation of the group came to the question, “why don’t we have Paul’s attitude about boldly proclaiming the Gospel?” We are afraid. Rejection, embarrassment, and not knowing enough about Scripture or doctrine are just a few fears that kill our passion to share boldly. So what’s the answer? How do we get around these fears to fulfill the Great Commission of Matthew 28:19? My first thought is stories. When you get to know someone, you tell them stories about who you are, places you’ve been, and things you’ve done. Telling a story from your life and where you saw God working is a wonderful way to boldly proclaim the God that loves us! It can be difficult to walk up to someone and say “Here’s a Bible. Let me tell you about Jesus!” However, I think that just about anyone can tell a story about themselves and help others see where God has been working throughout their story. Everyone is equipped and capable of sharing Jesus with others. God has given each of us a story. Sharing your story also welcomes others to do the same and gives you an opportunity to help him or her see where God has been working in their life! I had a professor who told us she tore the back cover off of her Bible because the story isn’t finished yet. God is still working through all of our stories. I think of that old song, I Love to Tell the Story. The story of Jesus’ love can be found throughout the adventures and tales of our own lives. His rescue happens over and over again for us. His faithfulness continues to be revealed in our day to day lives.
We don’t need bull horns or gimmicks. It can simply be sharing your story and inviting someone to do the same. Blessings to you as you reflect on your personal story of God’s love and use it as a light to others!