rolling stones.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.

I'm going through so many things in my life currently...physically, socially, vocationally, academically. There's just a lot going on.

God has granted me an opportunity to get off campus and take some time today. As Kevin told me, I'm taking an opportunity to "create some mental space." I think that's great advice. Giving myself some time and space to think and pray and not be consumed by what surrounds me.

Well, the time I've taken to escape has been absolutely beautiful. I'm not escaping any issue, that's for sure. Nothing has been solved or removed, but when you back up, it's easier to see that God is moving all over in it, that He is reigning in the midst and over top of all these goings on, and that truly it is He that is my sustainer, my life, and my salvation. I know I talked about it in my last entry, but He is teaching me this and it takes me a long time to learn especially in the midst of so much that tries to challenge that truth.

So for the last couple of weeks, I've been battling this allergic reaction on my hand that is actually probably a lot bigger deal than I think it is, but I think it's beginning to get under control. It's incredible to me how draining physical pain is and truly you cannot focus on other types of needs when your basic physical needs are in jeopardy. I gained so much compassion for people in physical pain in these past couple of weeks. It makes me want to care for the hurting because it is difficult to be in pain and it is difficult to allow others to help you when you're in that situation. It is also difficult to be the ones walking alongside those in pain. You are rendered helpless and so are they. The gift of presence is a powerful one. I am so grateful to wonderful people in my life these past two weeks who have sat with me while I've cried and been in pain and when I've been grouchy because my tolerance was low. I'm sorry for that and I'm so grateful to you. I've seen God work in people taking care of me, in people working out getting me medicine that I cannot afford, and getting to go to the doctor when I didn't think it was possible. God you truly are providing in huge, bold, and obvious ways.

Socially, well... let's just say that I've made a lot of mistakes. I have neglected people in my life who are capable of loving me enormously and stretching me and growing me. I have been hurtful to some friends. It's so difficult being a sinner and realizing how much we are at the mercy of others and their willingness to forgive. Praise God for forgiving freely. Other relationships just look so different and to be honest, that hurts a lot, however, God is teaching me, once again, that I'm sustained in Him alone. So what do I do? I do what I know how--love, forgive, say I'm sorry, try to do better, and realize that in relationships with others, there is a lot that is out of my control. So the Holy Spirit is granting me peace and extra grace when I'm challenged. Sometimes, when it gets too hard, I have to step back, create some mental space, and trust in God's Word. Isaiah 43 reminds me that I've been redeemed and called by name and God calls me His. In John, he asks that God would make his joy complete in Christ. That is my prayer. I am being so challenged to look at my relationships as things that enhance my life, but don't define my life. Christ does that. Habakkuk 3 shows what it looks like to praise in the midst of life's stuff. And so we do. Because Christ is our sustainer.

Vocationally...well...I am trying to figure out life after graduation, which, as you can imagine is an incredible challenge and full of stress and ugh...well...everything. It's probably one of the biggest decisions I've ever made in my life and I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm tense, stressed, and trying to create some space to think, be at peace, and rest that God knows where I'm going and is going to bless it whatever I decide. I've been blessed with some good conversations in the past few days and I'm so grateful for the wise people that are in my life to speak truth into my heart and mind. See what I mean? Stepping back helps us to see His faithfulness. I've been in a bit of a cocoon lately just because discernment takes a lot of energy out of me and I want to give this process as much as it deserves. I've made some headway, I think, and I trust that God will guide. Creating space to listen and just be has been huge.

So here I am. In my created space.

Reading blogs about the struggles of people I'm praying for, reading about the incredible joys and stories of overcoming struggles, hearing from people that God has given me and listening to their pain and their indescribable strength, the depth of their struggle, and others ability to see past it into the salvation Christ has brought us. And at this point...all I can think about....is rocks.

Rocks. I know, right?

There are rocks, aren't there. Every flipping where. Rocks. You know the bear hunt song..."can't go under it, can't go over it, can't go around, can't go through it." Usually there's one that you can do in that song, but our rocks in life don't work like that. They are just plain in the way. We have to go through them, but boy is that messy and boy does it hurt. Future decisions, struggles in relationships, death, academic struggles, transitions, physical pain, cancer, distance from loved ones. There. are. rocks.

Right now one of the most relevant passages to me is of the women going to the tomb on Easter morning. It's appropriate for our Lenten journey. Maybe a bit premature..but you know...it's good stuff and totally where I'm at. The women were mourning and carried their spices and oils down the road with their heads hanging low. Their minds were fuzzy with grief and the world around them was clouded. All of a sudden it dawns on one of them..."who will roll the stone away?" Doesn't that just hit you?!? Those dad gum rocks. They are so big. They stare us in the face. They won't go away and we sure as heck couldn't budge them. We just sit there, look up, and say "who will roll the stone away?"

Satan likes rocks. He puts them in our way. He thought that rock was going to hold our Savior. Ha! Well...here's the thing... Jesus (and one of the angels) rolled the stone away. He couldn't be held by a rock and His power isn't contained by the rocks in our life either. Who will roll the stone away? Jesus already has. He's a stone roller (not to be confused with a Rolling Stone :D ) and He continues to roll stones for us. Let's face it. There are going to be times when we've been asked to go, not know how the stone is going to get rolled away, but trusting that it's going to be rolled away when we arrive. But even on that journey of walking in faith, we might be doing a lot of asking "who will roll the stone away?" The eternal question has been answered. And it's Jesus.

I'm speechless, in awe, and grateful that He didn't leave the stone unturned.

You hold everything together.

I've never claimed to be good at prayer or understand how it works. When I think about that, actually, I get crabby because it's so beyond my comprehension.

How incredible, though, that we can approach the throne of Jesus boldly with anything. Anything at all...nothing to big or small... The door is open to us. His ear is leaned in our direction. He promises to hear us. So tonight, Lord, I take rest in the fact that you hear me. Today has been a day of constant prayer. I don't know where it came from exactly. I don't claim at all to be a prayer warrior. It's something I would like to be. I'm so all over the place most days that it's hard to remember or focus. I guess that would improve with prayer and practice. But today, there was so much on my heart and mind...my family, friends, people in need of healing, the future, the hearts of those who aren't believers, stress and busyness, relationships of all shapes and sizes, and to just be still.

We read this verse today in OLF and it was actually made into a song lyric that has been running continuously in my head.

"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." Colossians 1:17

I took so much rest in that verse today. God is in control; holding everything together. Our professor talked about how we might be offended to need to be held together. Offended at the idea that we, ourselves aren't holding things together. No. I could see myself going there on other days perhaps. But today.....I needed to be held together. People asked for forms, scheduled appointments, wanting assignments, giving deadlines, wanting updates, giving updates, needing discussions, needing time/energy/focus/love, wanting encouragement, etc...the list marches on. I rested in the fact that God holds all things...including me...together. I think of those circular puzzles. That's the image I get. The pieces are loose and will fall apart, but Christ is the gravity in the center holding it together. Gravity. Jesus is our rock that we can be grounded on and force that holds us there. This is an epic connection.

In this verse, I also hear the name I AM. He was before all things...He was...He holds all things together...He is and is to come. He's a sandwich who is the Alpha, Omega, and in the middle. And the bread is what especially holds a sandwich together. Okay...so I'm a visual person. This is seriously what I think about in class during our conversations. Theology...and sandwiches. Not a bad combo. McDonald's should market that.

Today was odd. Even though it was filled to the brim of activity, people, emotion, intellect, and other stimulating things, I couldn't help but find myself being so loved by Jesus and so in love with Him. It's been awhile since I've really sat in this place. I think there's something to be said for me being a quality time person. It's my primary love language and as of late, I've been in the Word and in prayer a lot as my Rock to lean on. It's funny how when I don't spend time with people, I feel so disconnected, but when I spend quality time with someone, I feel so loved and connected. I've observed the same in my relationship with the Lord. Even though I know His love doesn't change, being in the Word to hear about His love for me and praying (acknowledging His love for me because He promises to hear me) has provided me with some great quality time to receive the love of Christ.

Love like a hurricane. I am a tree.