I know it's been ages since I've blogged last. I think I took such a crazy journey for awhile and then after that, I had not a clue as to how to describe what I had experienced.
I realized that I had stopped moving forward and had been slowing down for a long time, but this unforgiveness that plagued me, finally brought me to a screeching halt until God (and some incredible people that He has blessed me with) showed me that there is freedom in forgiveness. There is a freedom that is promised in the blood of Jesus. Bondage is no more.
So I went through a process of what it means to let go of things that have happened in the past. I really appreciated the definition of forgiveness that I was given: "It's not forgetting or even saying what happened is "okay," but it's letting that person off the hook. It's giving up your right to be angry." I think that made me even more angry for awhile. I have held on to the idea that I've deserved to be angry over certain things that have transpired in my life. That justification of my bitterness just deepened the issue that kept eating away at me. I didn't even realize it. I woke up one day and realized that there were certain things and people that I couldn't even encounter without feeling angry. There was this huge part of me that was clinging to a sin that was so unhealthy.
It took me awhile to realize that I was even wounded and once I did, it took me another while to realize I could and needed to be freed of that unforgiveness and bitterness. Once that happened and I asked God to heal me and guide me, I was overwhelmed by how quickly healing started to come. Those relationships and situations are already a billion times better than they have been in a long time. From there, it means continuing to take steps to improve those relationships and situations, continuing to claim the freedom I have from those wounds (especially when that anger creeps back in), and continually asking for compassion and love for those people and those situations. I think my biggest challenge now, however, is making myself more aware of how those wounds affect me in my adult life and how I need to overcome those wounds and habits to become a healthy woman of God. It has been an awesome process that I'm glad to continue.
I would like to say, however, that this process began and continues to be rooted in God's Word and wrapped in prayer. At the beginning of all of this, I went through Scripture and studied any reference to forgiveness that I could find. I learned that almost none of the times that Jesus spoke forgiveness (usually accompanied by physical healing) were solicited. He freely spoke forgiveness without apology. That was one huge hurdle for me to overcome. He spoke some strong words too about us being forgiven as much as we are willing to forgive. I'd encourage you to dig into Scripture about forgiveness if this is an issue on your heart. For any issue on your heart, really, it's the best place to start. The other thing about this process is not walking alone. I get so frustrated by this because I would much rather think that I could solve my issues on my own, but I can't. God created us for community to walk together through issues and joys. I have been blessed to have a mentor and friend through this process to listen to me, guide me, and pray with and for me. It's been phenomenal and I've already lined up a mentor for when I return to the Cities. I think it's a valuable thing to always find someone that can mentor us and always be a mentor type to someone else. It is how we grow and encourage others to do the same.
It's been amazing and I've been hugely blessed.
Since that huge spurt of growth, however, I've been feeling like I'm plateauing again. It can be easy to get complacent and not seek diligently after God's Word. I get cynical and jaded. But I know there are seasons to everything. God is still sovereign.
In other news, I've been entertaining yet another possible ministry path. I've always loved psychology and counseling is one of my favorite parts about ministry. My mentor friend suggested that I might consider a parish counseling path. Another thing to consider... I've been praying for God to reveal a passion in me and that was a conversation I had just after that. Who knows...still need to think and pray on that one. I get frustrated because I've already got too many options. God knows where I'm heading though. I'm trying to just rest in that.
In other news still, I've just returned from visiting the beloved Twin Cities. I had a marvelous time at a wedding and spending lots of time with great friends. I know I've missed them while I've been on internship, but when I was back with them, I was overwhelmed by how much I love them. :) I'm getting very excited to return there. It was a great visit to tie me over until I get to head back north. On the flight home, I got to journal quite a bit and most of it was reflecting on those relationships. My friends are wonderful and obvious proof that God knows me better than I know myself. He's blessed me more than I can ever know.
I'm on a new workout kick. I started tonight and I really hope it lasts. I don't want to be the intern that came back flabby. I've been hearing lots of my friends and people at church starting new workouts or diets and felt the need to step up. I know I'm going to be sore tomorrow.
I think that's about it, though... this is what God has been speaking to me. "Let me show you how much I love you." It's come up over and over again since Easter and I just love it. In wonderful times and in sad times, it has seemed to overwhelm me with God's truth and insurmountable love.
A month and a half left in Arizona...
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Beautiful...because He made me so.
Right now I'm teaching a confirmation class just for the girls. This past Sunday we talked about some self-image things.
I brought in some teen girl magazines and fashion magazines. I let them flip through them and asked the girls to pick out who the most beautiful person in that magazine was. Once they picked the person I asked them to say why they picked that person. Then I had them make a list on their paper starting with this prompt: "If I were as beautiful as this person I would have to change..."
The reactions from the girls were priceless. "What??" "You want us to do what?!?" "This really makes me feel bad." So on and so forth.
After a few minutes, I asked them to share what was on their list. Almost everyone shared something. Things like weight, acne, different hair, nose, ears, teeth...you name it...it was on the list. As we all faced our demons (quite literally, when you think about it), it was a huge reality of how much of an impact these things have on how we feel about ourselves. Everyone felt heavy.
Then we watched this video:
It was incredible to watch them as they watched it. You watch this woman be completely transformed and once she looks beautiful already, they go in and manipulate her facial features on the computer. Then that is what is being put on billboards. How sick! That is what our young women and girls are comparing themselves to! It's not even real..but that's what we think we have to be. How sad.
So we went back to our list. I told them how we think that we have to be just as beautiful as these models, as people on TV, as people on billboards, but it's not real. I led them in ripping up their papers.
I kind of got on my soapbox at this point. I mean, how often do young girls let a magazine tell them who they are instead of opening Scripture? How many more times to we open a magazine or a self-help book to figure out what we need to be instead of looking in God's Word? Satan fills the media with sneaky messages that enter our minds and tell us that being who God created us to be isn't enough. We have to be more than that. Well, guess what satan, you're WRONG!
We went into Scripture and looked through some of my favorite passages about who God says we are.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30
He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me. Psalm 18:19
I told those girls (and I know it doesn't sink in after hearing it once...especially when they are bombarded with the opposite messages) that they are a masterpiece of God. We see the awesome works that He has done and He claims us as the crown of creation! He delights in us! I asked them if they knew what that meant and they really didn't have much of an idea. I explained to them that just looking at or being our presence brings utter joy to our Lord. When He looks at you, He honestly can't help but smile. He just soaks you in...He delights in you. He created you as His wonderful masterpiece. I encouraged them to memorize these verses so that when the world and satan tried to get in their head and convince them otherwise, they could say to that person or to that voice in their head: "ya know what?? Bugger off! I'm fearfully and wonderfully made and you have nothing on me!"
I pray for the day that those girls believe that to be true.
I remember always being told when I was growing up that "beauty is on the inside." Yeah...so are blood and cells and that doesn't really get you attention you desire and, to some extent, need. Beauty does come from the heart, but it shines outward. I remember thinking that my dad would tell me that all of the time because I wasn't pretty. It ultimately made me feel worse about myself and I still feel that way when he says that. I want to know that I'm beautiful because that's a gift that God has given to women. He made me to be beautiful, inside and out, and claiming that Truth is what shines. If you're just building up the outside, it's a mask with emptiness at the core. Beauty is meant to be delighted in. I'm saddened that girls are so bombarded with unhealthy messages about who they have to be and don't truly believe that being a Daughter of the King is where their beauty truly lies.
I contemplate this as I sit on my couch...lamenting over wearing my bathing suit and trying to fight off the urge to have a bowl of ice cream. We're all fighting that battle. Good thing God's word is living and active; sharper than any double edged sword. (Hebrews 4:12)
I'm going to go listen to Bethany Dillon's song, Beautiful.
I brought in some teen girl magazines and fashion magazines. I let them flip through them and asked the girls to pick out who the most beautiful person in that magazine was. Once they picked the person I asked them to say why they picked that person. Then I had them make a list on their paper starting with this prompt: "If I were as beautiful as this person I would have to change..."
The reactions from the girls were priceless. "What??" "You want us to do what?!?" "This really makes me feel bad." So on and so forth.
After a few minutes, I asked them to share what was on their list. Almost everyone shared something. Things like weight, acne, different hair, nose, ears, teeth...you name it...it was on the list. As we all faced our demons (quite literally, when you think about it), it was a huge reality of how much of an impact these things have on how we feel about ourselves. Everyone felt heavy.
Then we watched this video:
It was incredible to watch them as they watched it. You watch this woman be completely transformed and once she looks beautiful already, they go in and manipulate her facial features on the computer. Then that is what is being put on billboards. How sick! That is what our young women and girls are comparing themselves to! It's not even real..but that's what we think we have to be. How sad.
So we went back to our list. I told them how we think that we have to be just as beautiful as these models, as people on TV, as people on billboards, but it's not real. I led them in ripping up their papers.
I kind of got on my soapbox at this point. I mean, how often do young girls let a magazine tell them who they are instead of opening Scripture? How many more times to we open a magazine or a self-help book to figure out what we need to be instead of looking in God's Word? Satan fills the media with sneaky messages that enter our minds and tell us that being who God created us to be isn't enough. We have to be more than that. Well, guess what satan, you're WRONG!
We went into Scripture and looked through some of my favorite passages about who God says we are.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30
He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me. Psalm 18:19
I told those girls (and I know it doesn't sink in after hearing it once...especially when they are bombarded with the opposite messages) that they are a masterpiece of God. We see the awesome works that He has done and He claims us as the crown of creation! He delights in us! I asked them if they knew what that meant and they really didn't have much of an idea. I explained to them that just looking at or being our presence brings utter joy to our Lord. When He looks at you, He honestly can't help but smile. He just soaks you in...He delights in you. He created you as His wonderful masterpiece. I encouraged them to memorize these verses so that when the world and satan tried to get in their head and convince them otherwise, they could say to that person or to that voice in their head: "ya know what?? Bugger off! I'm fearfully and wonderfully made and you have nothing on me!"
I pray for the day that those girls believe that to be true.
I remember always being told when I was growing up that "beauty is on the inside." Yeah...so are blood and cells and that doesn't really get you attention you desire and, to some extent, need. Beauty does come from the heart, but it shines outward. I remember thinking that my dad would tell me that all of the time because I wasn't pretty. It ultimately made me feel worse about myself and I still feel that way when he says that. I want to know that I'm beautiful because that's a gift that God has given to women. He made me to be beautiful, inside and out, and claiming that Truth is what shines. If you're just building up the outside, it's a mask with emptiness at the core. Beauty is meant to be delighted in. I'm saddened that girls are so bombarded with unhealthy messages about who they have to be and don't truly believe that being a Daughter of the King is where their beauty truly lies.
I contemplate this as I sit on my couch...lamenting over wearing my bathing suit and trying to fight off the urge to have a bowl of ice cream. We're all fighting that battle. Good thing God's word is living and active; sharper than any double edged sword. (Hebrews 4:12)
I'm going to go listen to Bethany Dillon's song, Beautiful.
Monday, March 2, 2009
a TV and a sundae on a Monday...
Today was really cool. It was a great change of pace.
I slept extremely late. Josiah came over and we had lunch. Then we ventured off to Sun Lakes. A woman there wanted to give me her TV and so we went to go pick it up from her place.
She lives in an assisted living facility that was sweet! It was like a fancy hotel for people to live in. We got the TV and had to roll it on a cart, bring the car around, and load it up. Darlene chatted with us and told us stories the whole time. She had just moved in and didn't need this TV anymore. Mine has a green corner so the staff at church thought I should get it.
We got the TV loaded up and the cart rolled across the parking lot. Darlene got a kick out of that--thankfully it didn't hit any cars. Then she treated us to a trip to the "ice cream shoppe." :) She was great to chat with and told us that ice cream was one of her favorite things. That's why she was getting "fat and sassy." :) Who wouldn't love a lady who said that?? Josiah and I had a lovely chat with her and then we headed to the church. We recruited Pastor David to come and help move the TV into my apartment. There are stairs. So now I have a schnazzy, big TV and my old one is sitting on the floor...not sure where that's going. It's the rental company's, so it has to stick around somewhere.
The rest of the afternoon was spent getting some errands done, paying bills, and reading by the pool. My kids were texting me like crazy, too. Good thing I like them. :)
It's been awesome to see how much this conference this past weekend has really torn down walls with some of them. It's exciting. God's working so hugely!
Tonight I had a good dinner and watched the Bachelor. I wasn't a faithful follower of the show this season, but I caught the first episode and the last couple. It was pretty messed up. It's only proof of how imperfect our love is on this side of eternity. It's so telling of our culture. It's no wonder that marriage in our culture isn't sacred anymore. It's just like Melissa said on the show: "you chose me, but you're not willing to fight for me...to see if things can work." This is our culture's view on marriage--outside and inside of the Church. A new friend shared with me this week a great insight. He said that people often preach so strongly against homosexuality because the church needs to preserve the sanctity of marriage. Okay....agreed....but..... Let's take a gander at marriage. 50% of marriages fail. Guess what, folks? That statistic for Christian couples is the same. Inside the church, the percentage of failed marriages is just as high. So...how are we preserving the sanctity of marriage in our own families? We don't want to talk about marriage and relationship issues. We don't want to fight for them. My friend suggested that we first take a look at this situation with our marriages in the church and redeeming that sanctity before we go out and about protecting the sanctity in everyone else's realm. He said "let's work on us for awhile." I think he is very wise.
The Shack...hopefully some broad thoughts on it tomorrow. Josiah has my book right and I'd like to quote some things...so we'll see.
I slept extremely late. Josiah came over and we had lunch. Then we ventured off to Sun Lakes. A woman there wanted to give me her TV and so we went to go pick it up from her place.
She lives in an assisted living facility that was sweet! It was like a fancy hotel for people to live in. We got the TV and had to roll it on a cart, bring the car around, and load it up. Darlene chatted with us and told us stories the whole time. She had just moved in and didn't need this TV anymore. Mine has a green corner so the staff at church thought I should get it.
We got the TV loaded up and the cart rolled across the parking lot. Darlene got a kick out of that--thankfully it didn't hit any cars. Then she treated us to a trip to the "ice cream shoppe." :) She was great to chat with and told us that ice cream was one of her favorite things. That's why she was getting "fat and sassy." :) Who wouldn't love a lady who said that?? Josiah and I had a lovely chat with her and then we headed to the church. We recruited Pastor David to come and help move the TV into my apartment. There are stairs. So now I have a schnazzy, big TV and my old one is sitting on the floor...not sure where that's going. It's the rental company's, so it has to stick around somewhere.
The rest of the afternoon was spent getting some errands done, paying bills, and reading by the pool. My kids were texting me like crazy, too. Good thing I like them. :)
It's been awesome to see how much this conference this past weekend has really torn down walls with some of them. It's exciting. God's working so hugely!
Tonight I had a good dinner and watched the Bachelor. I wasn't a faithful follower of the show this season, but I caught the first episode and the last couple. It was pretty messed up. It's only proof of how imperfect our love is on this side of eternity. It's so telling of our culture. It's no wonder that marriage in our culture isn't sacred anymore. It's just like Melissa said on the show: "you chose me, but you're not willing to fight for me...to see if things can work." This is our culture's view on marriage--outside and inside of the Church. A new friend shared with me this week a great insight. He said that people often preach so strongly against homosexuality because the church needs to preserve the sanctity of marriage. Okay....agreed....but..... Let's take a gander at marriage. 50% of marriages fail. Guess what, folks? That statistic for Christian couples is the same. Inside the church, the percentage of failed marriages is just as high. So...how are we preserving the sanctity of marriage in our own families? We don't want to talk about marriage and relationship issues. We don't want to fight for them. My friend suggested that we first take a look at this situation with our marriages in the church and redeeming that sanctity before we go out and about protecting the sanctity in everyone else's realm. He said "let's work on us for awhile." I think he is very wise.
The Shack...hopefully some broad thoughts on it tomorrow. Josiah has my book right and I'd like to quote some things...so we'll see.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
I'm simply standing in awe of who God is.
My battery is withering as I type and my power cord is at church, so I'll write this as quickly as I can.
The conference this weekend put on by Dare2Share was really awesome. I didn't know how much really sunk in with kids, but I could tell tonight that it really stuck with some of them. Some had major breakthroughs in their faith. Some are having walls being taken apart.
They learned all about the work of satan that is around them and how his lies are spoken to us all the time. Then they were trained on putting on the full armor of God. I love that one of the key things emphasized was that the Word of God is their sword. Tonight they already started memorizing Scripture. They're really going strong for sharing faith with their friends and "shredding the gnar" as they said at the conference. "Shredding the gnar" is a surfer term that means "go big or go home." They brought that term into what it means to share the Gospel. We go big with it or we go home. Share the Gospel at all times! The kids were digging it. Sometimes I think that kids just need to be empowered to do something and then given a high hurdle to jump and they totally did. I was in awe of how they went asking for can food yesterday in a neighborhood and then asked to pray for the people and start conversations about Christ. Now, this isn't my prefered style of evangelism, mind you, but to see kids confident enough in their Lord to share Him with strangers was phenomenal. :)
Please pray for our youth. They're being attacked by satan with so much vengence. But they learned tonight that "the thief comes to kill, steal, and destroy, but Jesus came that we might have life and have it to the full!" (John 10:10)
Battery is about to die....day off is tomorrow. This caffeine thing has been pretty rough this weekend, fyi. But I'm staying strong.
The conference this weekend put on by Dare2Share was really awesome. I didn't know how much really sunk in with kids, but I could tell tonight that it really stuck with some of them. Some had major breakthroughs in their faith. Some are having walls being taken apart.
They learned all about the work of satan that is around them and how his lies are spoken to us all the time. Then they were trained on putting on the full armor of God. I love that one of the key things emphasized was that the Word of God is their sword. Tonight they already started memorizing Scripture. They're really going strong for sharing faith with their friends and "shredding the gnar" as they said at the conference. "Shredding the gnar" is a surfer term that means "go big or go home." They brought that term into what it means to share the Gospel. We go big with it or we go home. Share the Gospel at all times! The kids were digging it. Sometimes I think that kids just need to be empowered to do something and then given a high hurdle to jump and they totally did. I was in awe of how they went asking for can food yesterday in a neighborhood and then asked to pray for the people and start conversations about Christ. Now, this isn't my prefered style of evangelism, mind you, but to see kids confident enough in their Lord to share Him with strangers was phenomenal. :)
Please pray for our youth. They're being attacked by satan with so much vengence. But they learned tonight that "the thief comes to kill, steal, and destroy, but Jesus came that we might have life and have it to the full!" (John 10:10)
Battery is about to die....day off is tomorrow. This caffeine thing has been pretty rough this weekend, fyi. But I'm staying strong.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Day 2....
Today was a bit rough on the fasting front. My headache was pretty intense almost constantly and it was difficult to focus. I've been staying up pretty late and I haven't had any caffeine. So that equals me being really unfocused and "meh" feeling.
Buut...I feel like my body is getting healthier. I had a healthy lunch and then I came home and made dinner (grilled chicken, rice, and peas). Woot woot! I felt good about making that dinner tonight. I'm determined to do better at taking care of my body. After all, it is a temple.
Tonight I got to talk to my friend, Scott, from camp. We hadn't talked in a long time...about a year and a half. It was so great talking to him about life, God, and how far we've come since camp. He's always someone who can make me think about things differently and bring a different perspective about faith and life. I couldn't believe how long we talked--it's like no time had gone by. God's doing awesome things with him and it's so great to hear stories about how God is working and continues to stretch us.
Tomorrow will be a full day. I still haven't written anything about The Shack. It's because I have so much to say that I know it'll take some time and thought...and I haven't put in that much effort yet. Ha! But tomorrow...I get to rest for awhile and then I'm taking my kids to a youth conference for the weekend. It's exciting! :)
Peace.
Buut...I feel like my body is getting healthier. I had a healthy lunch and then I came home and made dinner (grilled chicken, rice, and peas). Woot woot! I felt good about making that dinner tonight. I'm determined to do better at taking care of my body. After all, it is a temple.
Tonight I got to talk to my friend, Scott, from camp. We hadn't talked in a long time...about a year and a half. It was so great talking to him about life, God, and how far we've come since camp. He's always someone who can make me think about things differently and bring a different perspective about faith and life. I couldn't believe how long we talked--it's like no time had gone by. God's doing awesome things with him and it's so great to hear stories about how God is working and continues to stretch us.
Tomorrow will be a full day. I still haven't written anything about The Shack. It's because I have so much to say that I know it'll take some time and thought...and I haven't put in that much effort yet. Ha! But tomorrow...I get to rest for awhile and then I'm taking my kids to a youth conference for the weekend. It's exciting! :)
Peace.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Ash Wednesday...(no comments on "The Shack" yet)
Today is Ash Wednesday. The beginning of the Lenten journey.
They often use the "journey" image with Lent. I really like thinking about things in terms of a journey. I can relate to that. For Lent, I imagine us being on a road that winds around, up, and down, until we get to Jerusalem on Palm Sunday and take the Holy Week journey. It's a journey to the cross. I think it's so great because journeys are taken one step at a time and we get to center our focus more and more throughout this season. By the last week, we're in it. Involved, invested, and apart of the story.
My Lenten "journey" will not be fueled, however, by pop or coffee or anything from Starbucks for that matter. It's going to be tough--I've already experienced a dull headache, which stinks, but is only affirmation that I really need to do this. My water bottle will be my close companion. :) I reflected for awhile about why people give up things for Lent. I don't want to fall into some legalistic practice that is used to make people feel like "better Christians." Not only will this be something that is positive for my body...a stewardship mindset, if you will....but what a great way to break my dependence on something that I insist on having around all too regularly.
I want to blog everyday of this 40 days as well. Not all the same thing...maybe some songs or poetry that I've written...maybe just a Bible verse that's stood out to me....who knows. It's just good to write. :)
I got to impose ashes on people today. It was so different being on the flip side of things. It was really interesting to see the responses that people had to it. I would say, "remember that you are dust and to dust you shall return." Some said "amen," others said "thank you." I didn't know if I should smile at people or not as they approached me. But then I realized this: Dust isn't bad. God created it. It's His. We started with Him as dust and we will end with Him as dust again. His promise to us is sure that in baptism we were marked on our forehead with His name and we are His. We all know that life is fleeting, but that will never change the fact that we belong to God and will always continue to. We have bear the dirt of our sin, but it also shows us how desperately we need our Savior.
I pray that Lent is a reflective time for you. Think about whose you are and rest in the journey He made for you as He walks with you on yours.
They often use the "journey" image with Lent. I really like thinking about things in terms of a journey. I can relate to that. For Lent, I imagine us being on a road that winds around, up, and down, until we get to Jerusalem on Palm Sunday and take the Holy Week journey. It's a journey to the cross. I think it's so great because journeys are taken one step at a time and we get to center our focus more and more throughout this season. By the last week, we're in it. Involved, invested, and apart of the story.
My Lenten "journey" will not be fueled, however, by pop or coffee or anything from Starbucks for that matter. It's going to be tough--I've already experienced a dull headache, which stinks, but is only affirmation that I really need to do this. My water bottle will be my close companion. :) I reflected for awhile about why people give up things for Lent. I don't want to fall into some legalistic practice that is used to make people feel like "better Christians." Not only will this be something that is positive for my body...a stewardship mindset, if you will....but what a great way to break my dependence on something that I insist on having around all too regularly.
I want to blog everyday of this 40 days as well. Not all the same thing...maybe some songs or poetry that I've written...maybe just a Bible verse that's stood out to me....who knows. It's just good to write. :)
I got to impose ashes on people today. It was so different being on the flip side of things. It was really interesting to see the responses that people had to it. I would say, "remember that you are dust and to dust you shall return." Some said "amen," others said "thank you." I didn't know if I should smile at people or not as they approached me. But then I realized this: Dust isn't bad. God created it. It's His. We started with Him as dust and we will end with Him as dust again. His promise to us is sure that in baptism we were marked on our forehead with His name and we are His. We all know that life is fleeting, but that will never change the fact that we belong to God and will always continue to. We have bear the dirt of our sin, but it also shows us how desperately we need our Savior.
I pray that Lent is a reflective time for you. Think about whose you are and rest in the journey He made for you as He walks with you on yours.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Life :) ...livin' it.
Life is so flipping good.
God is so good. This whole relationship thing with Him is waay better than a legalistic set of guidelines from a character with a gavel. The Shack has given me such a different perspective about what it means to be in relationship with God. I'm not saying I agree with everything in the book, but to see what my relationship with God could look like is absolutely mind boggling. I'm almost done with the book!! More to come about that when I'm finished.
I've had a few situations as of late that had the potential to really be "day wreckers" if you will. Relationships always have the power to hugely impact my mood. I'm realizing more and more, however, that this relationship that I have with God is so much bigger than any other relationship that might disappoint. He just wants to simply be with me. He loves without pretense or agenda. It's overwhelming...this God wants to just spend time with me.
More on this later...confirmation and youth group must happen right now.
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My day/night at church is finally over. I've been in that building from 7am-8:45pm with only leaving for about 30 minutes after church to get lunch. Yikes.
Anyway, regardless of spending lots of time at church, I had an amazing day. I find that I've been opened up to how real a relationship with God can be and I simply beam at the thought of constantly being with Him. That relationship gives me satisfaction and just an indescribable bliss that comes with spending time with an old friend. :) I can't even fathom it. It's been such a break through in these last few days about what it means to be in relationship with God. I don't know. I'm baffled by it. It's awesome.
And I'm just amazed by the little things in life that we can overlook, but can bring a smile to our face if we think of them as little gifts from our pursing God. :) A great prayer by a youth, a goodie bag left on the door step from a neighbor, a word of encouragement, a Word that God speaks to my heart right where I'm at. :)
Today this verse was in my devotion!!
"My heart has heard you say, 'Come and talk with me.' And my heart responds, 'Lord, I am coming.'" Psalm 27:8
Wow. I'm blown away by that verse!! God is a lover of quality time...just like me! :) He invites me to come and chat. :) And I say..there's nothing I'd love more, Abba.
So, I always avoid the topic of romantic relationships because they are so foreign to me and frankly they often make me uncomfortable. I don't know what to do with them. I am getting better with that though. I'm growing. :) Buuut...all of the aforementioned things do not deter my desire to have one of these said relationships. I find myself being defeated over and over again in this area of life. Things are never what I think and I get disappointed time and time again. I get hit repeatedly with a message that I'm not wanted. That sounds worse than I mean. I know people want me...friends want me around...God wants me. I have self-esteem, I promise. I just mean in a plain, honest sort of way that no man currently wants to pursue my heart or feels that it is worthy of doing so. This was a realization that was brought up once again yesterday. It could've brought me down like it has before...but no. It didn't.
There's just this something. This something about being so satisfied. Honestly so satisfied with this relationship that I'm diving into with Jesus. Yes, I still want to find that special guy...as difficult and awkward as it is for me to admit...but I am so good with who God is in me. I'm so content with the fact that He is enough, all I need, and is always pursuing my heart. :)
Thanks, Jesus. I really am grateful. Thanks for your love.
Have a great week, everyone. :)
God is so good. This whole relationship thing with Him is waay better than a legalistic set of guidelines from a character with a gavel. The Shack has given me such a different perspective about what it means to be in relationship with God. I'm not saying I agree with everything in the book, but to see what my relationship with God could look like is absolutely mind boggling. I'm almost done with the book!! More to come about that when I'm finished.
I've had a few situations as of late that had the potential to really be "day wreckers" if you will. Relationships always have the power to hugely impact my mood. I'm realizing more and more, however, that this relationship that I have with God is so much bigger than any other relationship that might disappoint. He just wants to simply be with me. He loves without pretense or agenda. It's overwhelming...this God wants to just spend time with me.
More on this later...confirmation and youth group must happen right now.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My day/night at church is finally over. I've been in that building from 7am-8:45pm with only leaving for about 30 minutes after church to get lunch. Yikes.
Anyway, regardless of spending lots of time at church, I had an amazing day. I find that I've been opened up to how real a relationship with God can be and I simply beam at the thought of constantly being with Him. That relationship gives me satisfaction and just an indescribable bliss that comes with spending time with an old friend. :) I can't even fathom it. It's been such a break through in these last few days about what it means to be in relationship with God. I don't know. I'm baffled by it. It's awesome.
And I'm just amazed by the little things in life that we can overlook, but can bring a smile to our face if we think of them as little gifts from our pursing God. :) A great prayer by a youth, a goodie bag left on the door step from a neighbor, a word of encouragement, a Word that God speaks to my heart right where I'm at. :)
Today this verse was in my devotion!!
"My heart has heard you say, 'Come and talk with me.' And my heart responds, 'Lord, I am coming.'" Psalm 27:8
Wow. I'm blown away by that verse!! God is a lover of quality time...just like me! :) He invites me to come and chat. :) And I say..there's nothing I'd love more, Abba.
So, I always avoid the topic of romantic relationships because they are so foreign to me and frankly they often make me uncomfortable. I don't know what to do with them. I am getting better with that though. I'm growing. :) Buuut...all of the aforementioned things do not deter my desire to have one of these said relationships. I find myself being defeated over and over again in this area of life. Things are never what I think and I get disappointed time and time again. I get hit repeatedly with a message that I'm not wanted. That sounds worse than I mean. I know people want me...friends want me around...God wants me. I have self-esteem, I promise. I just mean in a plain, honest sort of way that no man currently wants to pursue my heart or feels that it is worthy of doing so. This was a realization that was brought up once again yesterday. It could've brought me down like it has before...but no. It didn't.
There's just this something. This something about being so satisfied. Honestly so satisfied with this relationship that I'm diving into with Jesus. Yes, I still want to find that special guy...as difficult and awkward as it is for me to admit...but I am so good with who God is in me. I'm so content with the fact that He is enough, all I need, and is always pursuing my heart. :)
Thanks, Jesus. I really am grateful. Thanks for your love.
Have a great week, everyone. :)
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Finished lots of things...& Free by the blood of the lamb
Today I dominated life. There was so much to be done (and there still is a good amount to get done), but the things that needed to get done today did. I felt so productive and that is really gratifying for me to be able to check things off of my list. It's one of my biggest joys in life. :)
Life always provides days like today...a challenge and then a sense of accomplishment upon rising to the challenge. I like those days. :) ...usually more so at the end than the beginning though.
Today was strangely wrapped in discussion about spiritual warfare. I know that's a random jump, but it was on my mind. We even talked about the workings of the devil in Kindergarten music class. These kids are awesome/strange/surprising/ridiculous.
Last night I had a discussion with a friend about how God empowers us to do huge things, but satan lies to us and keeps us from doing anything remotely close to what our potential would allow. I told my friend to read Galatians 1 without really knowing what it said. We read through it and this is the part that stood out:
I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel— which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ. But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let him be eternally condemned! As we have already said, so now I say again: If anybody is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let him be eternally condemned! Galatians 1:6-9
The bold phrase was really the kicker for me. God's Word and the Gospel of Jesus Christ's death and resurrection is Truth. satan is the father of lies. If there is a chance that we can easily turn to a "different gospel" in our lives, what about the True Gospel has been twisted, confused, or distorted? That's the question. What aspect of the Gospel has satan twisted just a bit to bind us to a gospel that isn't the Free Truth of Christ crucified? My friend and I threw out several options...
-the lie that the Gospel isn't for everyone, only for some
-that Jesus just died for Christians.
-that there is still something I have to do to earn Jesus' love.
-that I'm not worthy of the salvation given me.
and here's the one that my friend and I concluded was being spoken to him and probably to me as well...
-that the Gospel proves powerful and true for our eternal salvation, but we are rendered powerless here and now on earth.
There is so much truth to that. satan leads us to believe that the dreams we have are unreachable, the problems that surround us are unsolvable, that we would never be capable of doing great things and it's not even worth it to try. What an awful, awful lie!
It's a lie I'm currently struggling against. We talked about spiritual attack in prayer group this morning and how we are called to put on the full armor of God! The Word of God is our sword! It is our weapon against the wickedness of satan. His lies are disproved in God's Truth. It is our way to know when satan is speaking lies to us. We must hold it to the Word of God and what it says about who we are. Guess what...we can't know what it says about who we are if we don't read it!! We have no ammunition if we aren't in the Word.
I, as of late, haven't been consistently in God's Word. I can always tell too. Like, things don't bounce off of me as easily, even when I know they're not true. I get weighed down by things. Joy, purpose, and focus are more difficult to come by. I need to "sharpen my Sword," so to speak. satan has no power over those of us who are truly free in Christ. Own that.
In other news, I'm reading the book The Shack right now and it's pretty interesting. I'm a bit over half way through. I'll probably have some thoughts about it when I'm done, but I'm still trying to figure things out. I don't know how much of it I'll really agree with, but one thing is for sure, I've been engaged in it (which is a huge feat in and of itself) and secondly, it's taken my "God box" (if you will) and shattered it with a hammer. It really works to break up our stereotypes and boundaries that we create for God to live within. It's interesting. More on that later.
....that lady that had the octuplets and already has 6 kids at home was just on TV. They ask everyone and their mother about what they think about this lady, her family, her lifestyle, the doctors, etc etc. "Oh how appalling!" "How could she!" "How irresponsible and dangerous!" "Our tax dollars going to this?!?" Okay..so maybe it's not an ideal situation. But get off your darn soapbox and do something about it. Your criticism isn't helping anything or anyone. Actually, you're only making her situation worse. If you are concerned about the wellbeing of the children, do something to improve it. Thanks. That is all.
Last thing...I saw a person get hit by a car tonight. Well...I didn't physically see the person get hit, but I was there just after it happened. A few cars had stopped in the middle of a pretty major street and I was wondering what was up. Then as I got closer, I saw a person laying in the street. People were covering the person with lots of layers of blankets--probably to help with shock. I didn't feel like I should stop. Too many people often make the situation worse. I got about a block away and heard the sirens and then I saw the ambulance coming. It was really crazy. I don't think I've ever seen anything like that before. It was kind of intense for me.
Anyway...I'm talking to the Hawaiian intern right now. And I should be in bed. Blessings all...I pray that God reigns over you and shows you in everyway possible how much He delights in you.
Life always provides days like today...a challenge and then a sense of accomplishment upon rising to the challenge. I like those days. :) ...usually more so at the end than the beginning though.
Today was strangely wrapped in discussion about spiritual warfare. I know that's a random jump, but it was on my mind. We even talked about the workings of the devil in Kindergarten music class. These kids are awesome/strange/surprising/ridiculous.
Last night I had a discussion with a friend about how God empowers us to do huge things, but satan lies to us and keeps us from doing anything remotely close to what our potential would allow. I told my friend to read Galatians 1 without really knowing what it said. We read through it and this is the part that stood out:
I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel— which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ. But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let him be eternally condemned! As we have already said, so now I say again: If anybody is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let him be eternally condemned! Galatians 1:6-9
The bold phrase was really the kicker for me. God's Word and the Gospel of Jesus Christ's death and resurrection is Truth. satan is the father of lies. If there is a chance that we can easily turn to a "different gospel" in our lives, what about the True Gospel has been twisted, confused, or distorted? That's the question. What aspect of the Gospel has satan twisted just a bit to bind us to a gospel that isn't the Free Truth of Christ crucified? My friend and I threw out several options...
-the lie that the Gospel isn't for everyone, only for some
-that Jesus just died for Christians.
-that there is still something I have to do to earn Jesus' love.
-that I'm not worthy of the salvation given me.
and here's the one that my friend and I concluded was being spoken to him and probably to me as well...
-that the Gospel proves powerful and true for our eternal salvation, but we are rendered powerless here and now on earth.
There is so much truth to that. satan leads us to believe that the dreams we have are unreachable, the problems that surround us are unsolvable, that we would never be capable of doing great things and it's not even worth it to try. What an awful, awful lie!
It's a lie I'm currently struggling against. We talked about spiritual attack in prayer group this morning and how we are called to put on the full armor of God! The Word of God is our sword! It is our weapon against the wickedness of satan. His lies are disproved in God's Truth. It is our way to know when satan is speaking lies to us. We must hold it to the Word of God and what it says about who we are. Guess what...we can't know what it says about who we are if we don't read it!! We have no ammunition if we aren't in the Word.
I, as of late, haven't been consistently in God's Word. I can always tell too. Like, things don't bounce off of me as easily, even when I know they're not true. I get weighed down by things. Joy, purpose, and focus are more difficult to come by. I need to "sharpen my Sword," so to speak. satan has no power over those of us who are truly free in Christ. Own that.
In other news, I'm reading the book The Shack right now and it's pretty interesting. I'm a bit over half way through. I'll probably have some thoughts about it when I'm done, but I'm still trying to figure things out. I don't know how much of it I'll really agree with, but one thing is for sure, I've been engaged in it (which is a huge feat in and of itself) and secondly, it's taken my "God box" (if you will) and shattered it with a hammer. It really works to break up our stereotypes and boundaries that we create for God to live within. It's interesting. More on that later.
....that lady that had the octuplets and already has 6 kids at home was just on TV. They ask everyone and their mother about what they think about this lady, her family, her lifestyle, the doctors, etc etc. "Oh how appalling!" "How could she!" "How irresponsible and dangerous!" "Our tax dollars going to this?!?" Okay..so maybe it's not an ideal situation. But get off your darn soapbox and do something about it. Your criticism isn't helping anything or anyone. Actually, you're only making her situation worse. If you are concerned about the wellbeing of the children, do something to improve it. Thanks. That is all.
Last thing...I saw a person get hit by a car tonight. Well...I didn't physically see the person get hit, but I was there just after it happened. A few cars had stopped in the middle of a pretty major street and I was wondering what was up. Then as I got closer, I saw a person laying in the street. People were covering the person with lots of layers of blankets--probably to help with shock. I didn't feel like I should stop. Too many people often make the situation worse. I got about a block away and heard the sirens and then I saw the ambulance coming. It was really crazy. I don't think I've ever seen anything like that before. It was kind of intense for me.
Anyway...I'm talking to the Hawaiian intern right now. And I should be in bed. Blessings all...I pray that God reigns over you and shows you in everyway possible how much He delights in you.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Phew.
It's been quite a full weekend!
All day Friday and Saturday I was at church, along with about 6 other people, decorating and getting ready for the fundraising gala. We were rushing around until the last minute, but everything got done and turned out really well.
The kids served dinner and drinks. We also had silent auction baskets, several raffle items, and a couple of live auction items. The kids did 3 little routines to 50's songs. The girls danced to "He's So Fine" and I sang to a split track. That was pretty fun. Then later in the evening, I sang "At Last" by Etta James and people were calling me "Etta" for the rest of the night and on Sunday morning. It was a full, but fun night. I left church around 11:30pm, only to return at 7am for Sunday worship. Man, it was rough getting up. Worship went well though, for all 4 services, so that's good.
During the 7:30 service, we learned there was going to be an event in the fellowship hall that evening, which meant we had to clean it up before then. Kids started cleaning after the 8:50 service and by the time I was done leading worship after the 10:10 service, there wasn't much left to do! So I grabbed some leftovers from the event and went home. I was planning on a nap, but a friend called and chatted with me for a long time and by the time we were done chatting, it was time for me to head back to church for confirmation & youth group.
It was a pretty good night with them. It was really cool teaching the confirmation kids about Sabbath. We lit a candle and I led them through how to do a devotion with their family for some "sabbath time" each day. It was very calming and they did well with it.
Hanging out with the high school kids was cool too. There are so many people in our youth group that have such huge potential to grow, serve, and be amazing contributors in God's kingdom. I wish I could show them how great they are and that they would own that. They are capable of such great things, but I'm not sure how to open them up to those capabilities. God has gifted so many of them so hugely. It is going to be an interesting challenge to help them realize this potential and guide them in an avenue where that potential can come to fruition. God is moving.
But today...today is a day of rest. Yesssss.
All day Friday and Saturday I was at church, along with about 6 other people, decorating and getting ready for the fundraising gala. We were rushing around until the last minute, but everything got done and turned out really well.
The kids served dinner and drinks. We also had silent auction baskets, several raffle items, and a couple of live auction items. The kids did 3 little routines to 50's songs. The girls danced to "He's So Fine" and I sang to a split track. That was pretty fun. Then later in the evening, I sang "At Last" by Etta James and people were calling me "Etta" for the rest of the night and on Sunday morning. It was a full, but fun night. I left church around 11:30pm, only to return at 7am for Sunday worship. Man, it was rough getting up. Worship went well though, for all 4 services, so that's good.
During the 7:30 service, we learned there was going to be an event in the fellowship hall that evening, which meant we had to clean it up before then. Kids started cleaning after the 8:50 service and by the time I was done leading worship after the 10:10 service, there wasn't much left to do! So I grabbed some leftovers from the event and went home. I was planning on a nap, but a friend called and chatted with me for a long time and by the time we were done chatting, it was time for me to head back to church for confirmation & youth group.
It was a pretty good night with them. It was really cool teaching the confirmation kids about Sabbath. We lit a candle and I led them through how to do a devotion with their family for some "sabbath time" each day. It was very calming and they did well with it.
Hanging out with the high school kids was cool too. There are so many people in our youth group that have such huge potential to grow, serve, and be amazing contributors in God's kingdom. I wish I could show them how great they are and that they would own that. They are capable of such great things, but I'm not sure how to open them up to those capabilities. God has gifted so many of them so hugely. It is going to be an interesting challenge to help them realize this potential and guide them in an avenue where that potential can come to fruition. God is moving.
But today...today is a day of rest. Yesssss.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
ramblings of a tired girl
I'm tired.
This is going to be a full, but fun weekend, I think. I just need to keep thinking of it that way and not get tired or overwhelmed.
We have a big youth fundraiser going on that is requiring lots of work and coordination. It's going to be pretty cool too. :)
I'll be honest, though. I'm looking forward to Monday when I can sleep in and take my Sabbath/day off. It's exciting. :)
I don't really have much to say, but I realized that I hadn't posted in awhile. I guess I've been so busy and such that I haven't really been that reflective and therefore haven't had much to blog about.
I've been thinking about my "call" a lot lately. (I usually put that word in quotations...I think it's because I can't really wrap my head around it and people throw it around so loosely in Christian circles.)
First of all, I don't know what my call is. Secondly, there's a lot of things I could justify feeling "called" toward. Third, I don't know how to know. Haha. I mean, I like the "delicious ambiguity" of life. I've always been one to find excitement in the unknown. I know God will work it out, but I would still like some clarity. A hint, please?
That and I have a challenge to meet my neighbors within this next week. If I don't, Pastor David gets to pick a community class for me to take...soooo....I'm going to try to meet this goal. I'm thinking of baking something (gasp) and giving it to them. Hmm...we shall see. I technically did introduce myself to one of the people a couple of days ago, but I only spoke with him briefly and already forgot his name. I guess that doesn't really count. :S I want to have more friends though, so I pray that God helps me to get motivated/presents some opportunities for me to meet them and blesses those relationships.
I really don't have anything else worthy of being said. I'm a tired girl.
This is going to be a full, but fun weekend, I think. I just need to keep thinking of it that way and not get tired or overwhelmed.
We have a big youth fundraiser going on that is requiring lots of work and coordination. It's going to be pretty cool too. :)
I'll be honest, though. I'm looking forward to Monday when I can sleep in and take my Sabbath/day off. It's exciting. :)
I don't really have much to say, but I realized that I hadn't posted in awhile. I guess I've been so busy and such that I haven't really been that reflective and therefore haven't had much to blog about.
I've been thinking about my "call" a lot lately. (I usually put that word in quotations...I think it's because I can't really wrap my head around it and people throw it around so loosely in Christian circles.)
First of all, I don't know what my call is. Secondly, there's a lot of things I could justify feeling "called" toward. Third, I don't know how to know. Haha. I mean, I like the "delicious ambiguity" of life. I've always been one to find excitement in the unknown. I know God will work it out, but I would still like some clarity. A hint, please?
That and I have a challenge to meet my neighbors within this next week. If I don't, Pastor David gets to pick a community class for me to take...soooo....I'm going to try to meet this goal. I'm thinking of baking something (gasp) and giving it to them. Hmm...we shall see. I technically did introduce myself to one of the people a couple of days ago, but I only spoke with him briefly and already forgot his name. I guess that doesn't really count. :S I want to have more friends though, so I pray that God helps me to get motivated/presents some opportunities for me to meet them and blesses those relationships.
I really don't have anything else worthy of being said. I'm a tired girl.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
reflections.
I'm amazed by how much reflection plays into living a healthy life.
I remember loving the movie "Mulan" when I was young. I could so relate to her. She was tough and bold and had a sense of a greater purpose. She wasn't the most beautiful or graceful girl. She was real and heroic. I liked her. I still do. I remember her song Reflections. It was all about her identity crisis. She was trying to be someone that her parents would be proud of and that her outside appearance and actions could match who she felt she was inside. It's a pretty deep song for a Disney movie.
Getting some distance from internship while I was on retreat has been a time to reflect upon all of the reflecting I've done during the past 6 months. I've had an amazing realization of how much I've grown. Just through personal reflection about my past, who I've been, who I strive to be, and all the experiences that have played into that, I've grown so much as a person. I feel that working through and thinking through those things has made me a healthier person as well.
I made a list a few months ago and it is simply a list of things I'm learning about myself. It's cool because it's the first step. Knowing yourself and being self aware about who you are and what's affected you in your life is a huge step. From there, it's figuring out how who you are and your experiences affect how you live right now. For example, I came from a family that doesn't really show much affection or affirmation of how much we love each other. Therefore, it is not easy for me to show affection or say that I love people. To make it to the second step is an amazing victory. The third step, however, is the most difficult. It's making a decision about what to do with those findings. Am I going to give in to what's been taught to me or am I going to change? Some things instilled in me are positive that I most definitely want to keep and others could be traded for better habits. It's an interesting and extremely healthy process. Once you know who you are and where that has come from, it puts the responsibility on you and how you choose to react to those things. It's very interesting and introspective.
Something valuable for all of us to reflect on: In what ways (good and bad) have your parents shaped who you are right now? It's a great question and a really scary one if you think about it in light of having kids someday.
Lots of healing has come from this process and I feel a lot lighter about who I am and that I have a lot of room to grow in. The process will continue, but for now, I thought it was necessary to note that I've seen progress.
Sometimes it's difficult to see growth when you're in the midst of it. Taking a step back a couple of weeks ago really made that clear to me. I praise God for using this opportunity to grow and stretch me in ways I didn't know I needed.
Reflection. It can be difficult to process through, but without it, it is really difficult to actually know who you are and who you can become. It's all part of that "moving forward" idea. The past is the past. Jesus makes all things new. It's easy to let the weight of baggage wear on you. It's mucking through it and moving on to what He has in store. There is freedom.
I remember loving the movie "Mulan" when I was young. I could so relate to her. She was tough and bold and had a sense of a greater purpose. She wasn't the most beautiful or graceful girl. She was real and heroic. I liked her. I still do. I remember her song Reflections. It was all about her identity crisis. She was trying to be someone that her parents would be proud of and that her outside appearance and actions could match who she felt she was inside. It's a pretty deep song for a Disney movie.
Getting some distance from internship while I was on retreat has been a time to reflect upon all of the reflecting I've done during the past 6 months. I've had an amazing realization of how much I've grown. Just through personal reflection about my past, who I've been, who I strive to be, and all the experiences that have played into that, I've grown so much as a person. I feel that working through and thinking through those things has made me a healthier person as well.
I made a list a few months ago and it is simply a list of things I'm learning about myself. It's cool because it's the first step. Knowing yourself and being self aware about who you are and what's affected you in your life is a huge step. From there, it's figuring out how who you are and your experiences affect how you live right now. For example, I came from a family that doesn't really show much affection or affirmation of how much we love each other. Therefore, it is not easy for me to show affection or say that I love people. To make it to the second step is an amazing victory. The third step, however, is the most difficult. It's making a decision about what to do with those findings. Am I going to give in to what's been taught to me or am I going to change? Some things instilled in me are positive that I most definitely want to keep and others could be traded for better habits. It's an interesting and extremely healthy process. Once you know who you are and where that has come from, it puts the responsibility on you and how you choose to react to those things. It's very interesting and introspective.
Something valuable for all of us to reflect on: In what ways (good and bad) have your parents shaped who you are right now? It's a great question and a really scary one if you think about it in light of having kids someday.
Lots of healing has come from this process and I feel a lot lighter about who I am and that I have a lot of room to grow in. The process will continue, but for now, I thought it was necessary to note that I've seen progress.
Sometimes it's difficult to see growth when you're in the midst of it. Taking a step back a couple of weeks ago really made that clear to me. I praise God for using this opportunity to grow and stretch me in ways I didn't know I needed.
Reflection. It can be difficult to process through, but without it, it is really difficult to actually know who you are and who you can become. It's all part of that "moving forward" idea. The past is the past. Jesus makes all things new. It's easy to let the weight of baggage wear on you. It's mucking through it and moving on to what He has in store. There is freedom.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
I get by with a little help from my....self?
I'm in awe of some of the people in the Bible. Not only about the fact that they got to hang out in person with Jesus in His human form, but because so many came to Jesus to ask for help. They were humble enough to put their pride aside, acknowledge that they needed help, and recognize that there was Someone greater that could offer them the healing and power that they needed.
I have a rough time with that. I would much rather prove that I can do things on my own. I was raised to think that asking for help is a sign of weakness. It is very difficult to ask for help, but ultimately it's an issue with the First Commandment. By thinking we have the strength to handle anything that comes our way on our own, we are saying that we are god.
I am learning that especially when a person lives alone, they must ask for help. It is imperative. If you are alone and don't ask for help, nobody is going to step in because nobody knows there is a need. I am learning that asking for help isn't a sign of weakness, but an attribute of a healthy and self-aware person. It is a mark of a person who is big enough to admit fallibility and humble themselves.
This is such a difficult lesson to learn, but I know that if I don't really take initiative in asking for help, it's going to hurt me more in the long run.
This is maturity--knowing when you're in over your head and seeking help before you drown.
I have a rough time with that. I would much rather prove that I can do things on my own. I was raised to think that asking for help is a sign of weakness. It is very difficult to ask for help, but ultimately it's an issue with the First Commandment. By thinking we have the strength to handle anything that comes our way on our own, we are saying that we are god.
I am learning that especially when a person lives alone, they must ask for help. It is imperative. If you are alone and don't ask for help, nobody is going to step in because nobody knows there is a need. I am learning that asking for help isn't a sign of weakness, but an attribute of a healthy and self-aware person. It is a mark of a person who is big enough to admit fallibility and humble themselves.
This is such a difficult lesson to learn, but I know that if I don't really take initiative in asking for help, it's going to hurt me more in the long run.
This is maturity--knowing when you're in over your head and seeking help before you drown.
Monday, February 2, 2009
I can feel it coming back again...
I've been in a bit of a funk lately.
I know part of it is coming off of the high of intern retreat and seeing everyone at school and everything. Part of me has a renewed sense of purpose and enthusiasm for ministry and my job. The other side of me is really in a state of withdrawal.
I just feel exhausted. It's really turned me back to God's Word which I totally denied while I was in Minnesota (what's up with that?!?). I haven't been able to sleep and I just feel heavy about a lot of different things. Some are good things that I am reflecting upon and sorting through. Other things are just really weighing on me. I laid in my bed for about 4hrs on Saturday night and I was just overwhelming myself with thoughts and so I began to pray. I prayed for hours. About everything...just dumping it all out. Some things I prayed about over and over until eventually God just rocked me to sleep. I don't know what's up with this. I don't really feel stressed...just heavy.
Wow. Satan has been twisting things and weighing on me and I have been blind to it. Anyway...I'm not a stranger to that. He attacks especially when we are feeling vulnerable. This sense of lethargy is surrounding me. I think some of that comes from the realization of how much I really do miss my friends and also all of this thought about discerning my call and area of ministry. I have no idea what the future holds and because it's difficult right now for me to hone in on something, my focus is spread all over and I'm exhausted in exploration and thought.
I feel like my brain just exploded onto the blog. Eww...brain guts.
God is peace. God is peace. God is peace.
Psalm 16:7-11
This passage is getting me through.
I know part of it is coming off of the high of intern retreat and seeing everyone at school and everything. Part of me has a renewed sense of purpose and enthusiasm for ministry and my job. The other side of me is really in a state of withdrawal.
I just feel exhausted. It's really turned me back to God's Word which I totally denied while I was in Minnesota (what's up with that?!?). I haven't been able to sleep and I just feel heavy about a lot of different things. Some are good things that I am reflecting upon and sorting through. Other things are just really weighing on me. I laid in my bed for about 4hrs on Saturday night and I was just overwhelming myself with thoughts and so I began to pray. I prayed for hours. About everything...just dumping it all out. Some things I prayed about over and over until eventually God just rocked me to sleep. I don't know what's up with this. I don't really feel stressed...just heavy.
Wow. Satan has been twisting things and weighing on me and I have been blind to it. Anyway...I'm not a stranger to that. He attacks especially when we are feeling vulnerable. This sense of lethargy is surrounding me. I think some of that comes from the realization of how much I really do miss my friends and also all of this thought about discerning my call and area of ministry. I have no idea what the future holds and because it's difficult right now for me to hone in on something, my focus is spread all over and I'm exhausted in exploration and thought.
I feel like my brain just exploded onto the blog. Eww...brain guts.
God is peace. God is peace. God is peace.
Psalm 16:7-11
This passage is getting me through.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Where do I begin...
I'm back from Minnesota.
So many things are swirling in my mind. I must admit that I wondered what would happen if I just chose not to get back on that airplane. I had such a great trip. It's not to say that I was dreading returning to my life in Arizona because I most certainly enjoy my life here, but it was hard to say goodbye to St. Paul.
I was so blessed by conversations this past week. I had so many cups of coffee with people and it proved to be incredibly therapeutic and reviving to my spirit. I went to new levels of conversation with a few friends and just delighted and reveled in it. Others challenged me and had impressive insight to my current life. Others still put value in what I think and feel about church things and wanted to pick my brain to get input. It was such an amazing range of conversations and I'm not sure that I recall having felt so valued, loved, and respected as a professional, friend, and person.
Another thing that has blessed me this past week...
God showed me in such bold and obvious ways how several of my friends have just blossomed and grown in the past 6 or 8 months. I have some freaking amazing friends, folks. I can't even tell you. These people are ministry gurus, insightful minds, caring hearts, thoughtful characters, challenging students, and talented professionals. And most are a combination of the aforementioned qualities!! It's like when you haven't seen a little child for a long amount of time and you see them again and can't believe how tall they are! I couldn't believe how much so many of my friends have grown as people and even though I've been far away, I have grown in depth of relationship with them. Very cool.
I went snowtubing this week. I got snow burn. Yes, it is possible. And it hurts.
Something that challenged me this past week...
I had a very long conversation with a middle aged millionaire man on one of the airplane rides. He was (and I would assume still is) an atheist. He didn't come out and say it directly but he said that he renounced religions of all kinds. I just pray that God blessed and used that conversation. It was a challenging on for me in that he kept poking at Christianity and tried to really dig in at me, but I didn't let him. He mentioned how he couldn't stand pious religious know-it-alls and I think he was surprised when I agreed. He said he couldn't ever appreciate an organization that would deny people entrance for not being perfect. I said that I agreed and that I would never make it in to a club like that. He informed me that I would never have much money in "my line of work" and when I shared my heart for helping people in Africa, he informed me I wouldn't help much since I didn't have any money. He also informed me that he could still love people who are poor and not give them money or feel bad about having money. We talked for 3 hours. He couldn't understand how people who claim to follow the most peaceful and forgiving man that ever walked the earth could be so evil, selfish, and intolerant. I told him about Blue Like Jazz when a group of Christians at a predominately agnostic university decided to set up a confession booth but instead of hearing the confessions, the Christians were giving them. He was intrigued. I pray God works in Matt's life in a huge way.
I was prodded to question some things this week...
Where is the church heading and how are those changes going to affect me in a leadership position? How does ministry change and what does that mean for the LCMS and Church at large? What does it mean to love people? To serve others, I must make certain that am being served--a sick doctor cannot heal. What does it mean to be a woman of God? What does my future look like--what are some possibilities? Many of my friends are married or are getting to that point...what a transformation in them! How have I grown in the past 6 months? What do I need to be intentional about working on? How could I have lost such sight of my passion for people in ministry? Day to day tasks can take over. (so many people asked..)How is living alone?? It's been good to reflect on how much I've grown in that experience. How has God gifted me and where can those gifts be best utilized in His Kingdom? How do we overcome the wounds of our childhood that continue to surface? How is it going to be when I leave CSP for good? What's it going to be like to leave friends behind and not see anyone for extremely long periods of time? How am I going to handle really being on my own outside of this trial run? Lots of questions.
My flight home was completely the opposite of my flight to MN as I conversed with Matt. I tried to sleep on my flight home. My heart was aching and overwhelmed with loss. The flight attendant came over the speaker and informed everyone they could use their electronics. I turned on my iPod, knowing that the battery was low. It would end up dying later, but for awhile it served as some comfort in some way. Blast loud music in my ears has always been therapuetic to me. Something about music being so loud that it blasts out the thoughts and emotions that are overtaking my mind. I closed my eyes as the familiar tune to Say by John Mayer began. I almost cried. It was the same song that I listened to on my flight from Amsterdam back to the Cities by myself after I'd said goodbye to everyone there and knew I wouldn't see them for a long time.
I remember hurting a whole lot then. I recalled what I was feeling at that point and remembered that I felt like there was so much left unsaid with several people. That they didn't know how I felt about them. That I wasn't honest and real with them. That I had failed our friendships with silence.
This time, however, as John sang, I felt peace. It sounds corny, I know, but I said what I needed to say. I felt good about how I left everyone. I didn't feel like anything was held back, that I was myself, that I was real. For one of the first times in my life, I felt like people were seeing me for me and it was sooo good. It didn't make me feel completely better, but I found peace in how things were left with friends. My heart still ached to be with them, but I knew that all was well and if nothing else, I'd see them in heaven (hopefully significantly sooner though).
Josiah greeted me at the airport curb. With a hug and a half smile he said, "it's so good to see you, but I know how you feel." He was right. I wasn't thrilled about being away from so many of my loves once again. I'm blessed, though, to have him here. I'm so blessed by my church and internship experience here. I'm so blessed both here and far. I'm sooo soo blessed.
I pray that God would continue to remind me how blessed I am when I get crabby. And that when things do seem grim later on, that he reminds me that "God is." In the midst of chaos, God is. He is peace, joy, sovereignty, love, power, control, constant, comfort, forever. God is. Psalm 46:1-2 was our reflecting passage for the DCE retreat and this is the phrase I'm clinging to. The first two words...in the midst of a swirling mind, sometimes that's all I need to know.
So many things are swirling in my mind. I must admit that I wondered what would happen if I just chose not to get back on that airplane. I had such a great trip. It's not to say that I was dreading returning to my life in Arizona because I most certainly enjoy my life here, but it was hard to say goodbye to St. Paul.
I was so blessed by conversations this past week. I had so many cups of coffee with people and it proved to be incredibly therapeutic and reviving to my spirit. I went to new levels of conversation with a few friends and just delighted and reveled in it. Others challenged me and had impressive insight to my current life. Others still put value in what I think and feel about church things and wanted to pick my brain to get input. It was such an amazing range of conversations and I'm not sure that I recall having felt so valued, loved, and respected as a professional, friend, and person.
Another thing that has blessed me this past week...
God showed me in such bold and obvious ways how several of my friends have just blossomed and grown in the past 6 or 8 months. I have some freaking amazing friends, folks. I can't even tell you. These people are ministry gurus, insightful minds, caring hearts, thoughtful characters, challenging students, and talented professionals. And most are a combination of the aforementioned qualities!! It's like when you haven't seen a little child for a long amount of time and you see them again and can't believe how tall they are! I couldn't believe how much so many of my friends have grown as people and even though I've been far away, I have grown in depth of relationship with them. Very cool.
I went snowtubing this week. I got snow burn. Yes, it is possible. And it hurts.
Something that challenged me this past week...
I had a very long conversation with a middle aged millionaire man on one of the airplane rides. He was (and I would assume still is) an atheist. He didn't come out and say it directly but he said that he renounced religions of all kinds. I just pray that God blessed and used that conversation. It was a challenging on for me in that he kept poking at Christianity and tried to really dig in at me, but I didn't let him. He mentioned how he couldn't stand pious religious know-it-alls and I think he was surprised when I agreed. He said he couldn't ever appreciate an organization that would deny people entrance for not being perfect. I said that I agreed and that I would never make it in to a club like that. He informed me that I would never have much money in "my line of work" and when I shared my heart for helping people in Africa, he informed me I wouldn't help much since I didn't have any money. He also informed me that he could still love people who are poor and not give them money or feel bad about having money. We talked for 3 hours. He couldn't understand how people who claim to follow the most peaceful and forgiving man that ever walked the earth could be so evil, selfish, and intolerant. I told him about Blue Like Jazz when a group of Christians at a predominately agnostic university decided to set up a confession booth but instead of hearing the confessions, the Christians were giving them. He was intrigued. I pray God works in Matt's life in a huge way.
I was prodded to question some things this week...
Where is the church heading and how are those changes going to affect me in a leadership position? How does ministry change and what does that mean for the LCMS and Church at large? What does it mean to love people? To serve others, I must make certain that am being served--a sick doctor cannot heal. What does it mean to be a woman of God? What does my future look like--what are some possibilities? Many of my friends are married or are getting to that point...what a transformation in them! How have I grown in the past 6 months? What do I need to be intentional about working on? How could I have lost such sight of my passion for people in ministry? Day to day tasks can take over. (so many people asked..)How is living alone?? It's been good to reflect on how much I've grown in that experience. How has God gifted me and where can those gifts be best utilized in His Kingdom? How do we overcome the wounds of our childhood that continue to surface? How is it going to be when I leave CSP for good? What's it going to be like to leave friends behind and not see anyone for extremely long periods of time? How am I going to handle really being on my own outside of this trial run? Lots of questions.
My flight home was completely the opposite of my flight to MN as I conversed with Matt. I tried to sleep on my flight home. My heart was aching and overwhelmed with loss. The flight attendant came over the speaker and informed everyone they could use their electronics. I turned on my iPod, knowing that the battery was low. It would end up dying later, but for awhile it served as some comfort in some way. Blast loud music in my ears has always been therapuetic to me. Something about music being so loud that it blasts out the thoughts and emotions that are overtaking my mind. I closed my eyes as the familiar tune to Say by John Mayer began. I almost cried. It was the same song that I listened to on my flight from Amsterdam back to the Cities by myself after I'd said goodbye to everyone there and knew I wouldn't see them for a long time.
I remember hurting a whole lot then. I recalled what I was feeling at that point and remembered that I felt like there was so much left unsaid with several people. That they didn't know how I felt about them. That I wasn't honest and real with them. That I had failed our friendships with silence.
This time, however, as John sang, I felt peace. It sounds corny, I know, but I said what I needed to say. I felt good about how I left everyone. I didn't feel like anything was held back, that I was myself, that I was real. For one of the first times in my life, I felt like people were seeing me for me and it was sooo good. It didn't make me feel completely better, but I found peace in how things were left with friends. My heart still ached to be with them, but I knew that all was well and if nothing else, I'd see them in heaven (hopefully significantly sooner though).
Josiah greeted me at the airport curb. With a hug and a half smile he said, "it's so good to see you, but I know how you feel." He was right. I wasn't thrilled about being away from so many of my loves once again. I'm blessed, though, to have him here. I'm so blessed by my church and internship experience here. I'm so blessed both here and far. I'm sooo soo blessed.
I pray that God would continue to remind me how blessed I am when I get crabby. And that when things do seem grim later on, that he reminds me that "God is." In the midst of chaos, God is. He is peace, joy, sovereignty, love, power, control, constant, comfort, forever. God is. Psalm 46:1-2 was our reflecting passage for the DCE retreat and this is the phrase I'm clinging to. The first two words...in the midst of a swirling mind, sometimes that's all I need to know.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Truth & Choices.
Why is it that self-doubt can prevail over God's truth time and time again? It's a cyclical struggle for me. It comes over me, the Truth of who God claims me to be defeats the lie, and then it happens all over again. It often happens when I'm in the presence of people who hold the same gifts that I possess. It's a game of comparing and wondering if people would choose them or me if it ever came down to picking. This all goes back to my last entry about being the "est." It's so ingrained in me.
I'm always looking at the greener grass instead of reveling in the Truth God delights in me (Psalm 18:19). I'm just baffled at how easy it is to trade in God's Truth for the cruddy lies that satan sells. My professor last year used to tell us every week that we were beloved children of God. We would laugh because it was just the kind of thing that rolled off after awhile, but really truly letting it sink in and being reminded of the hugeness of that from time to time will blow you away.
Amidst these attitudes, I often have to really stop and just beg God to help me stand on His Truth of who He says I am. It changes everything. Knowing your loved and believing that you're loved are two very different things. Believing that love is something I struggle with, but God is the author and perfecter of my faith and I believe that He is healing me in that area more and more everyday.
Choose. It's a buzz word in the Lutheran realm of theology and doctrine and rightly so. We can't choose God. He chooses us. We can choose to believe. The Holy Spirit leads us to faith. I love a song that's called "the Blessing" Here are the lyrics that I just soak up:
My favorite part is "let it be said of us that our hearts belong to Jesus." What a great legacy to leave! The chorus says:
this day you set life, you set death right before us, this day
every blessing and curse is a choice now
and we will choose to be a blessing for life
I never knew how to take that. I mean, with my strong aversion to the word "choose," I didn't really know what to do with the fact that I really like the concept of it. I mean, we do have a choice in the morning to claim God's Truth about who we are and share that joy with others or to buy into the lies and tear people as far down as we feel we are. Well, it just so happened that I heard a Bible verse read and it turns out that this chorus is based directly on a Scripture verse.
Deuteronomy 30:19-20 says:
This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him.
Wow. It's in God's Word! I don't think God was speaking here about choosing God or choosing to have faith. He was already talking to the Israelites. It's not a faith choosing thing. They already have faith. It's a statement to the Israelites that is saying this is your choice--to live to the fullest life that God has blessed you with or to call upon yourself curses and pain. When it says "choose life," I don't think God was talking about choosing heaven, but choosing to live the life to the full that He has already given us here on earth. Are we going to build others up or tear them down? Are we going to live asking God why we have to do this or that instead of jumping up and saying "here am I..send me!" This day..He sets life and death before us.
In His presence we have life and life to the full. We are free from who the world tells us we are and from the looming stares of our enemies. We are God's beloved children. People created to be loved. So this day...choose to live in the life giving love, that others might live too.
I'm always looking at the greener grass instead of reveling in the Truth God delights in me (Psalm 18:19). I'm just baffled at how easy it is to trade in God's Truth for the cruddy lies that satan sells. My professor last year used to tell us every week that we were beloved children of God. We would laugh because it was just the kind of thing that rolled off after awhile, but really truly letting it sink in and being reminded of the hugeness of that from time to time will blow you away.
Amidst these attitudes, I often have to really stop and just beg God to help me stand on His Truth of who He says I am. It changes everything. Knowing your loved and believing that you're loved are two very different things. Believing that love is something I struggle with, but God is the author and perfecter of my faith and I believe that He is healing me in that area more and more everyday.
Choose. It's a buzz word in the Lutheran realm of theology and doctrine and rightly so. We can't choose God. He chooses us. We can choose to believe. The Holy Spirit leads us to faith. I love a song that's called "the Blessing" Here are the lyrics that I just soak up:
"let it be said of us
that we gave to reach the dying
let it be said of us
by the fruit we leave behind
let it be said of us that our legacy is blessing for life
let it be said of us
that our hearts belonged to Jesus
let it be said of us
that we spoke the words of life
let it be said of us
that our heritage is blessing for life"
that we gave to reach the dying
let it be said of us
by the fruit we leave behind
let it be said of us that our legacy is blessing for life
let it be said of us
that our hearts belonged to Jesus
let it be said of us
that we spoke the words of life
let it be said of us
that our heritage is blessing for life"
My favorite part is "let it be said of us that our hearts belong to Jesus." What a great legacy to leave! The chorus says:
this day you set life, you set death right before us, this day
every blessing and curse is a choice now
and we will choose to be a blessing for life
I never knew how to take that. I mean, with my strong aversion to the word "choose," I didn't really know what to do with the fact that I really like the concept of it. I mean, we do have a choice in the morning to claim God's Truth about who we are and share that joy with others or to buy into the lies and tear people as far down as we feel we are. Well, it just so happened that I heard a Bible verse read and it turns out that this chorus is based directly on a Scripture verse.
Deuteronomy 30:19-20 says:
This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him.
Wow. It's in God's Word! I don't think God was speaking here about choosing God or choosing to have faith. He was already talking to the Israelites. It's not a faith choosing thing. They already have faith. It's a statement to the Israelites that is saying this is your choice--to live to the fullest life that God has blessed you with or to call upon yourself curses and pain. When it says "choose life," I don't think God was talking about choosing heaven, but choosing to live the life to the full that He has already given us here on earth. Are we going to build others up or tear them down? Are we going to live asking God why we have to do this or that instead of jumping up and saying "here am I..send me!" This day..He sets life and death before us.
In His presence we have life and life to the full. We are free from who the world tells us we are and from the looming stares of our enemies. We are God's beloved children. People created to be loved. So this day...choose to live in the life giving love, that others might live too.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
you will never be the "est"
(this is an article I wrote for an upcoming church newsletter)
Have you ever wanted to be an “est”? All of the time I hear my high school students and my college friends talk about who is the smartest, funniest, prettiest, nicest, richest or the best at any number of things. We are a culture that is obsessed with competition and being the best at something no matter how great or small. We long to be an “est,” while secretly hoping that it will be the key to greatness and wholeness. One of my professors refers to this as "the temptation to be spectacular." I would venture to say that I am more guilty of the “est” infatuation than most. I find it especially heartwrenching when I am not the “est” of whatever it is that I think I am good at. The truth is that there will always be someone better, stronger, prettier, more talented, and more put together than you or me. Our quest for “est” is declared superfluous. We are destined for mediocrity and potentially a spot below the average line.
Have you ever wanted to be an “est”? All of the time I hear my high school students and my college friends talk about who is the smartest, funniest, prettiest, nicest, richest or the best at any number of things. We are a culture that is obsessed with competition and being the best at something no matter how great or small. We long to be an “est,” while secretly hoping that it will be the key to greatness and wholeness. One of my professors refers to this as "the temptation to be spectacular." I would venture to say that I am more guilty of the “est” infatuation than most. I find it especially heartwrenching when I am not the “est” of whatever it is that I think I am good at. The truth is that there will always be someone better, stronger, prettier, more talented, and more put together than you or me. Our quest for “est” is declared superfluous. We are destined for mediocrity and potentially a spot below the average line.
One of my all time favorite Bible passages speaks to this desire for “est” and our failure to achieve it. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says “Your grace is sufficient for me.” In the following verse, Paul writes “when I am weak, then I am strong.” You see, when we realize how powerless we are and pride is removed from the equation, Christ’s strength fills in the gaps. Ephesians 3:20 says, “now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” He works through the people that do not make the cut. We would never make it on our own. Jesus came for that very reason—to give us His best. We are freed from the quest for "est" because we will never be enough on our own. Thanks be to our God whose love and grace for us is the greatest.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
2008...yeah, it was pretty great.
Well, it's 2009 and it has been too bad (nor too eventful) thus far.
So here's a recap of 2008...not sure how much of it I remember, but I've been trying and have come up with a few things.
January
-Spent New Years in the "little Apple" of Manhattan, Kansas with friends.
-Trying on bridesmaid dresses for my bff from high school's wedding.
-I got my first passport!
-A massive Schwalm family gathering complete with many guitars and voices making music.
-Returning to school with a new attitude and outlook on life after reading 3 books over Christmas break (it's a lot for me).
-Was determined to make 2008 the best year yet (I don't think I did too darn bad at this).
-Said goodbye to my sister as she left for the Middle East to serve our country.
-This whole idea of "Sabbath" makes its first appearance in my life. It's so funny to think about--I feel good that it's pretty much understood now. It was a rough start though.
-Ice skating night in Minne
-Practicum teaching at Trinity First began. What a journey and awesome learning experience!
February
-I was soo blessed to literally watch God restructure my Fish team. The fall semester was full of changes and things, but by February, God had provided and put together an amazing team. I seriously and honestly couldn't have asked for a better group of people who loved playing together and did so well. God, that was awesome how You did that!
-Pre-intern retreat. What a mind blower! I thought about prayer in more ways that I knew possible and grew closer to my awesome classmates. :)
-Another spring break in St. Paul...at the end of February...a trip to Arkansas fell through, but it was good times in the Cities. I don't remember everything, but I know I spent time hanging out with people, doing homework, going to the Walker in Minneapolis, dinner at the Reinecks, MLK rally...probably lots of other random happenings.
March
-March was indeed the month that I said goodbye to the beloved Topaz. It had been sitting idle in one of the university lots for awhile and we finally let it go. Sigh.
-This was the month of so many awful, cold early mornings that Andy and I got up to run morning Tiger Club. Okay..so it wasn't that awful, but to get to Trinity First by 6am in -15 degree weather, isn't exactly a blast. Plus, the kids aren't necessarily thrilled to be there either.
tiger mountain...you don't want to get your pin moved down it!
-I enjoyed more and more doing field work at Woodbury and getting to know the girls of my small group. We had some awesome chats in the spring.
-My parish project....it was a stressful time, but my kids did so wonderfully. :)
-I had my first Easter at home in 3 years! Egg hunts with my little cousin.
-This was the month of utter anticipation about internship sites. We were to the point that we almost couldn't take it anymore!! And then I found out I was heading to ARIZONA for the next year!
The interns at the placement service.
-The university began a very rough journey as we said goodbye to Randy. :(
-Saying goodbye to the kids that stole my heart at Trinity First and entering the high school world of religion classes. Always an interesting journey...
April
-Spring Fling! We rode on a river boat on the Mississippi!!
-I took my first excursion to northern Minnesota! We went to Pequot for Andy & Steph's wedding. Who'da thought that there'd be a ton of snow for a wedding at the end of April? Only in Minnesota. We had a blast though. (Even though we might've got lost, I called for directions, wrote them on my hand, and then when we got stuck in the snow I went out to push the car and the directions washed off.....oops.)
-Wedding prep for the now Anna & Adam Koglin wedding. :) Including Anna's sweet Hawaiian wedding shower!
-Internship Orientation--Meeting my supervisor for the first time. Hahah. And learning what this whole internship thing would be about.
May
-Lots of vaccinations for going overseas...which would later cost me an arm and a leg.
-The Fonies--Bri and I had the most amazing puppet show ever...and the STAGE board did a darn good job, if I do say so myself!
"The freshmen" (Tim, me, & MaryLynn) now as juniors at the Fonies...also the STAGE board.
-Knollapalooza--our last time playing together as a Fish team. What a great time it was...I really miss that team!
the team :)
-Once again we hosted the choir festival with Christus and sang at Orchestra Hall.
-Leaving Woodbury--soooo hard.
-Graduation weekend--the blur of my life....moving out all of my residents, singing for 4 graduations, my parents coming & moving me out in between them (leaving me with just a suitcase), and our bon voyage concert. Yikes. I have fond memories of having to stay with a friend because I had no bedding left. They were all playing the Wii and somehow I fell asleep for about 4 hours. It was a long weekend. (that next day, we flew out for Ghana)
-Leaving Concordia....friends, professors, classes, dorms, college life.....for a whole year and knowing that everything will be different when I come back. There were some tears.
-GOING TO AFRICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This has been one of the highlights of my life thus far. I can't even begin to describe it. Our choir tour was pretty cool--we got to sing with all of these other choirs. We were introduced to Ghanaian High Life music. We got to see so many sights, go hiking, be in the ocean from the other side of the world, go in the rain forest, eat different foods, and just be emmersed in a culture that is so incredibly different from ours. Paul and I's luggage got lost, there were scary bugs, and some experiences that really bonded us. It was one of the most significant experiences of my life with some of the most significant people in my life. It was an incredible experience and I can't wait to get back!
-In Amsterdam, I had to say goodbye to everyone and I knew many of them would be goodbyes for an extremely long time. I flew home to Kansas City by myself. I had a wedding to be in just 2 days after I got home.
-Anna and Mike's wedding. I had tan lines and some crazy skin issues from Africa, but we had a great time, it was lovely and I was so blessed to be apart of it!
June
-I was at home.
-I mowed about 5 days a week. The other two were for cleaning the house and such.
-I cleaned my room and tried to separate "internship things," "college things," and "home things."
-My first time living with my sister Angie since I was in 8th grade. Yeah...........
-I got this very laptop that I'm typing on...but don't be fooled, this summer was seriously about the poorest I've ever been.
-Debbie's apartment caught on fire while she was deployed. We spent weeks cleaning and sorting for insurance. The news filmed the apartment.
July
-Went to the Cardinals/Royals series in Kansas City with Dad, Angie, & Kent.
-I drove back to the Cities. What an awesome trip! I spent a night in the Cities with Josh & Jameson and saw a few people.
-Drove to Anna's and loved staying with her for awhile before anyone else came and wedding stuff started to pick up. It was so great doing that.
-Anna and Adam's wedding!! Whoo hoo! What a blast!
-Left early the next day, stopped in the Cities for lunch and was home by 9:30 that night. 4 or 5 days later, we left for Phoenix.
-Mom and Dad and I drove out west and it was a long trip. (I'm not really looking forward to doing it again, actually...ha!) They dropped me off and my stuff and were gone within 2 hours.
-Internship began!!! I met the youth my first day here, the next day I left for staff retreat for a few days and had a great time beginning to get to know them all.
-Texting entered my life. So did a new phone. :)
-I got my first tastes of life on my own in the "adult" world. Going to work, paying bills, having my own place...it's been a good experience.
August
-I turned 22.
-I became a music teacher for K-4...we play that one by ear. :)
-I started going to Camber.
-Actually turned in my "getting started" packet on time.
-Josiah came to Phoenix, too! Yay for friends!
-Si and I did a night hike of Squaw peak--amazing to see the city lights.
-Bri and I come up with our plan to start our band! I'm so pumped!
September
-Started the youth worship team--one of the coolest things that has happened during internship.
-Helping 2 pastors move in the same week!
-Hosting the ladies from the office for Bunco.
-HS lock-in and service projects--they're doing awesome.
-Josiah and I met Stewart in Phoenix. What an awesome night.
-Being challenged by this internship journey...the newness wears off and I began to challenge myself to live in the moment.
October
-Bringing some youth into Sunday morning worship leading.
-Skype changed my life. You think I'm kidding.
a picture Nikki took of Matt & I while we were talking on Skype
-Saw Josiah's theatre debut of Prince Charming in Cinderella.
-I saw the amazing JJ Heller in concert!
-I got a bike to use for the year.
-Debbie got home!
-Helping lead confirmation retreat
-Dealing with my first flat tire on my own...I think that's kind of a landmark experience.
-THE CARD -- I got this amazing card from my lovely friends at Concordia. Tons of signatures covered this gigantic card and now it adorns my office wall. :)
-Halloween with the Brinkman's..good times. :)
November
-The presidential elections. I think most of us were glad that the campaigns were over.
-Kevin came out to visit..only for a day, but it was great to have him here!
-I colored my hair for the first time...sort of a big deal for me.
-Women of Faith conference--a very cool experience
-The words "Christmas program" began to frequent themselves in my vocabulary.
-Home for Thanksgiving! My first time home since internship began. The first time my family was reunited since my sister began her deployment.
-Bought another bridesmaid dress..this one for Holly's wedding next fall.
-Met up with some JW people for the first time since high school graduation.
December
-I got back into running & exercising--not doing too shabby.
-Light parade in Chandler!
-We are the Division II Champions again!
-I hosted the area DCE's for the Christmas party and monthly gathering.
-Staff Christmas party--whoo hoo!
-Debbie came to visit! Sedona!
-Christmas programs happened and went quite well. Phew.
-We lost a member of our praise team. We'll miss you, Josh.
-Christmas Eve came and went in a big blur.
-Christmas Day! Fun morning with Brinkmans and lots of others for the rest of the day. A rainy day in Phoenix.
-Mom came to visit and stayed until New Years Eve. Papago park & the Zoolights. Sooo much fun having her here.
Well...that's my year in review...I'm sure I missed some stuff, but overall, it's been a great year. I tried to hold to the resolution of making it my best year yet and just living in the moment. That is my prayer for 2009 as well.
So far in 2009, I haven't got out of my pj's so maybe I should work on that. Ha!
Peace and blessings in 09.
So here's a recap of 2008...not sure how much of it I remember, but I've been trying and have come up with a few things.
January
-Spent New Years in the "little Apple" of Manhattan, Kansas with friends.
-Trying on bridesmaid dresses for my bff from high school's wedding.
-I got my first passport!
-A massive Schwalm family gathering complete with many guitars and voices making music.
-Returning to school with a new attitude and outlook on life after reading 3 books over Christmas break (it's a lot for me).
-Was determined to make 2008 the best year yet (I don't think I did too darn bad at this).
-Said goodbye to my sister as she left for the Middle East to serve our country.
-This whole idea of "Sabbath" makes its first appearance in my life. It's so funny to think about--I feel good that it's pretty much understood now. It was a rough start though.
-Ice skating night in Minne
-Practicum teaching at Trinity First began. What a journey and awesome learning experience!
February
-I was soo blessed to literally watch God restructure my Fish team. The fall semester was full of changes and things, but by February, God had provided and put together an amazing team. I seriously and honestly couldn't have asked for a better group of people who loved playing together and did so well. God, that was awesome how You did that!
-Pre-intern retreat. What a mind blower! I thought about prayer in more ways that I knew possible and grew closer to my awesome classmates. :)
-Another spring break in St. Paul...at the end of February...a trip to Arkansas fell through, but it was good times in the Cities. I don't remember everything, but I know I spent time hanging out with people, doing homework, going to the Walker in Minneapolis, dinner at the Reinecks, MLK rally...probably lots of other random happenings.
March
-March was indeed the month that I said goodbye to the beloved Topaz. It had been sitting idle in one of the university lots for awhile and we finally let it go. Sigh.
-This was the month of so many awful, cold early mornings that Andy and I got up to run morning Tiger Club. Okay..so it wasn't that awful, but to get to Trinity First by 6am in -15 degree weather, isn't exactly a blast. Plus, the kids aren't necessarily thrilled to be there either.
tiger mountain...you don't want to get your pin moved down it!-I enjoyed more and more doing field work at Woodbury and getting to know the girls of my small group. We had some awesome chats in the spring.
-My parish project....it was a stressful time, but my kids did so wonderfully. :)
-I had my first Easter at home in 3 years! Egg hunts with my little cousin.
-This was the month of utter anticipation about internship sites. We were to the point that we almost couldn't take it anymore!! And then I found out I was heading to ARIZONA for the next year!
The interns at the placement service.-Saying goodbye to the kids that stole my heart at Trinity First and entering the high school world of religion classes. Always an interesting journey...
April
-Spring Fling! We rode on a river boat on the Mississippi!!
-I took my first excursion to northern Minnesota! We went to Pequot for Andy & Steph's wedding. Who'da thought that there'd be a ton of snow for a wedding at the end of April? Only in Minnesota. We had a blast though. (Even though we might've got lost, I called for directions, wrote them on my hand, and then when we got stuck in the snow I went out to push the car and the directions washed off.....oops.)
-Wedding prep for the now Anna & Adam Koglin wedding. :) Including Anna's sweet Hawaiian wedding shower!
-Internship Orientation--Meeting my supervisor for the first time. Hahah. And learning what this whole internship thing would be about.
May
-Lots of vaccinations for going overseas...which would later cost me an arm and a leg.
-The Fonies--Bri and I had the most amazing puppet show ever...and the STAGE board did a darn good job, if I do say so myself!
"The freshmen" (Tim, me, & MaryLynn) now as juniors at the Fonies...also the STAGE board.
the team :)-Leaving Woodbury--soooo hard.
-Graduation weekend--the blur of my life....moving out all of my residents, singing for 4 graduations, my parents coming & moving me out in between them (leaving me with just a suitcase), and our bon voyage concert. Yikes. I have fond memories of having to stay with a friend because I had no bedding left. They were all playing the Wii and somehow I fell asleep for about 4 hours. It was a long weekend. (that next day, we flew out for Ghana)
-Leaving Concordia....friends, professors, classes, dorms, college life.....for a whole year and knowing that everything will be different when I come back. There were some tears.
-GOING TO AFRICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This has been one of the highlights of my life thus far. I can't even begin to describe it. Our choir tour was pretty cool--we got to sing with all of these other choirs. We were introduced to Ghanaian High Life music. We got to see so many sights, go hiking, be in the ocean from the other side of the world, go in the rain forest, eat different foods, and just be emmersed in a culture that is so incredibly different from ours. Paul and I's luggage got lost, there were scary bugs, and some experiences that really bonded us. It was one of the most significant experiences of my life with some of the most significant people in my life. It was an incredible experience and I can't wait to get back!
-In Amsterdam, I had to say goodbye to everyone and I knew many of them would be goodbyes for an extremely long time. I flew home to Kansas City by myself. I had a wedding to be in just 2 days after I got home.-Anna and Mike's wedding. I had tan lines and some crazy skin issues from Africa, but we had a great time, it was lovely and I was so blessed to be apart of it!
June
-I was at home.
-I mowed about 5 days a week. The other two were for cleaning the house and such.
-I cleaned my room and tried to separate "internship things," "college things," and "home things."
-My first time living with my sister Angie since I was in 8th grade. Yeah...........
-I got this very laptop that I'm typing on...but don't be fooled, this summer was seriously about the poorest I've ever been.
-Debbie's apartment caught on fire while she was deployed. We spent weeks cleaning and sorting for insurance. The news filmed the apartment.
July
-Went to the Cardinals/Royals series in Kansas City with Dad, Angie, & Kent.
-I drove back to the Cities. What an awesome trip! I spent a night in the Cities with Josh & Jameson and saw a few people.
-Drove to Anna's and loved staying with her for awhile before anyone else came and wedding stuff started to pick up. It was so great doing that.
-Anna and Adam's wedding!! Whoo hoo! What a blast!
-Left early the next day, stopped in the Cities for lunch and was home by 9:30 that night. 4 or 5 days later, we left for Phoenix.-Mom and Dad and I drove out west and it was a long trip. (I'm not really looking forward to doing it again, actually...ha!) They dropped me off and my stuff and were gone within 2 hours.
-Internship began!!! I met the youth my first day here, the next day I left for staff retreat for a few days and had a great time beginning to get to know them all.
-Texting entered my life. So did a new phone. :)-I got my first tastes of life on my own in the "adult" world. Going to work, paying bills, having my own place...it's been a good experience.
August
-I turned 22.
-I became a music teacher for K-4...we play that one by ear. :)
-I started going to Camber.
-Actually turned in my "getting started" packet on time.
-Josiah came to Phoenix, too! Yay for friends!
-Si and I did a night hike of Squaw peak--amazing to see the city lights.
-Bri and I come up with our plan to start our band! I'm so pumped!
September
-Started the youth worship team--one of the coolest things that has happened during internship.
-Helping 2 pastors move in the same week!
-Hosting the ladies from the office for Bunco.
-HS lock-in and service projects--they're doing awesome.
-Josiah and I met Stewart in Phoenix. What an awesome night.
-Being challenged by this internship journey...the newness wears off and I began to challenge myself to live in the moment.
October
-Bringing some youth into Sunday morning worship leading.
-Skype changed my life. You think I'm kidding.
a picture Nikki took of Matt & I while we were talking on Skype-I saw the amazing JJ Heller in concert!
-I got a bike to use for the year.
-Debbie got home!
-Helping lead confirmation retreat
-Dealing with my first flat tire on my own...I think that's kind of a landmark experience.
-THE CARD -- I got this amazing card from my lovely friends at Concordia. Tons of signatures covered this gigantic card and now it adorns my office wall. :)
-Halloween with the Brinkman's..good times. :)
November
-The presidential elections. I think most of us were glad that the campaigns were over.
-Kevin came out to visit..only for a day, but it was great to have him here!
-I colored my hair for the first time...sort of a big deal for me.
-Women of Faith conference--a very cool experience
-The words "Christmas program" began to frequent themselves in my vocabulary.
-Home for Thanksgiving! My first time home since internship began. The first time my family was reunited since my sister began her deployment.
-Bought another bridesmaid dress..this one for Holly's wedding next fall.
-Met up with some JW people for the first time since high school graduation.
December
-I got back into running & exercising--not doing too shabby.
-Light parade in Chandler!
-We are the Division II Champions again!
-I hosted the area DCE's for the Christmas party and monthly gathering.
-Staff Christmas party--whoo hoo!
-Debbie came to visit! Sedona!
-Christmas programs happened and went quite well. Phew.-We lost a member of our praise team. We'll miss you, Josh.
-Christmas Eve came and went in a big blur.
-Christmas Day! Fun morning with Brinkmans and lots of others for the rest of the day. A rainy day in Phoenix.
-Mom came to visit and stayed until New Years Eve. Papago park & the Zoolights. Sooo much fun having her here.
Well...that's my year in review...I'm sure I missed some stuff, but overall, it's been a great year. I tried to hold to the resolution of making it my best year yet and just living in the moment. That is my prayer for 2009 as well.
So far in 2009, I haven't got out of my pj's so maybe I should work on that. Ha!
Peace and blessings in 09.
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