So this is Christmas...

I'm learning and have learned lots of things this year. Not just DCE intern things, but lots of different things. When I think about 2008, I can't believe how much has happened and how much I have done in the past year. Even the past week has been jam packed!

The last few weeks have flown by, which have followed the pattern of the whole previous year. My sister was here the week before Christmas and it was great to show her around the area and I even got to see and do some things down here that I hadn't done either. The highlight was going to Sedona.

Sedona red rocks

My sister & I at the tumble weed Christmas tree..haha

My sister left the day before Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve was a huge day! My voice was pretty rough, but there were 5 services to be held. One of our contemporary worship teams lead the first two services and they went quite well. The last three were more traditional. I got to sing through the first two services and there wasn't too much left of my voice, but I had a solo to do for the 9pm service. I also did Children's messages at the first two services as well. Then at the 11pm service, I read the Scriptures. It was a full night, but it was pretty fun and went pretty quickly. We went out and got McDonalds before the last service. It kinda made me feel like I was back at college. Haha.

Christmas Day was fun. It was definitely different, but it was a reality check that Christmases and Easters here on out (for the most part) aren't going to be in Kansas with my family when I'm in church work. That's just the way things are. I digress. Christmas was fun! I got to share Christmas with some friends here. Christmas morning with little kids around is so much fun to watch. They are bursting with excitement! We joined a larger family for the rest of the day and played games and such. I was excited about the Christmas tradition of hiking on Christmas Day, but it rained all day...in Phoenix! I'd been looking forward to that for a long time, but I'll have to hike Camelback some other time before I leave.

The day after Christmas, my mom arrived. I've had an absolutely wonderful time having her down here. We've had so much fun being out and about. It's been great that even though I wasn't home for Christmas, having my sister and my mom to visit made it feel like home is here. My mom loved seeing the cactus and palm trees. She was so excited when we went hiking and she got to get close to a big Saguaro.


Amidst holidays and visitors, one of the members of our praise team at church passed away a few days before Christmas. We played a few songs for his funeral on Monday. He was a guy that was so full of joy and life that it was comforting to know that He had so much of the joy of our Lord within Him. It's still difficult to watch such a young man leave us and his young friends have to cope with such a huge loss.

I know it probably sounds strange, but being at Josh's funeral really brought home the Christmas theme of our services from Christmas Eve this year. The theme was light and how Jesus was/is the light in the world and it's a light that no darkness can overcome. Not even by the darkness of death, can this Light be darkened. Emmanuel, our Light that is with us, draws near and holds us in a time where things seem bleak and difficult. He is that hope and that light. I sang the Chris Tomlin song, I Will Rise, that has some incredibly powerful words. I think I've mentioned it before on my blog, but it was so powerful. There's a part at the end that's talks about all of the angels and saints gathered around the throne singing "worthy is the Lamb."

I think of Mary. Kneeling over her Son's crib and just basking in the joy of her Child. Overwhelmed with love for this tiny baby and with no ability to see how much pain she would be pierced with at His death. I wonder what her dreams for Him were. I wonder what she thought He would be or do. I wonder what she saw when she looked into His future. Then when she watched Him hang on that cross, be pierced with a spear, and eventually be brought down and wrapped in cloth. I wonder if she thought of that night in the cave, when she was kneeling over His infant body, wondering what He would become. Never dreaming that this was where the road led. Now she was kneeling over His lifeless body wrapped in cloth. This is what I wonder about Josh's mom. Being there at the beginning of His life and then at the end. Not for a second, however, willing to give up the pain for the experience of being a mother to ones who were so beloved. What a way to think of Christmas. What a different perspective of the Story.

The last few weeks have felt like a whole year. I might try to do a "year in review" sometime here today. I know there'd be some good highlights. Tonight is New Year's Eve with a bunch of folks..it'll be fun. :)

January will be another month full of events and visitors! And who knows what 2009 will bring! God's blessings of peace and joy for the New Year!

Gifts...bigger than you think.

Tomorrow is the first half of Christmas programs! I feel pretty calm and good about the programs tomorrow and Friday. I think everything is organized and hopefully it'll run smoothly. I'm happy not to be stressed about it. Whatever happens, happens.

My sister is here visiting and it's been nice to hear about her life and to show her a glimpse of mine. It's like getting to know a new friend!

I know it's not even Christmas yet, but I was thinking through the set list and the worship service for the Sunday following Christmas. The text is going to be the song of Simeon and the pastors want to focus on Jesus being the gift of Christmas that is unwrapped. When Mary and Joseph took their Baby Boy to Simeon, he would've had to pull back the blanket that Jesus was wrapped in, in order to see Him. We open so many gifts and watch others open gifts as well, but that's so temporary. Jesus is that gift that is sent to us on Christmas! He is the gift of light and life that came down to us on Christmas and continues to do so. Not only do we get the joy of unwrapping this gift of Jesus by digging further into His Word, praying to Him, and worshipping Him, but we see an even greater gift in Him. When Jesus died on the cross, He was laid in a tomb that was sealed tightly and was never intended to be opened by those who had it sealed. But God, like a Father of a tiny child who is unable to open her own gifts, opened the tomb and brought the gift of the resurrection to us that we might have life as well. The greatest gift opening ever!

"But the gift is not like the trespass. For if the many died by the trespass of the one man, how much more did God's grace and the gift that came by the grace of the one man, Jesus Christ, overflow to the many!" Romans 5:15

Gifts are fun to open and fun to give. I pray that as you open gifts during Christmas, it'll remind you of the gift that Jesus is this Christmas and the gift that God opened for us when He rose. It makes everything else seem so minuscule. Oh, how our Father loves us. :)

Waiting for January to see you again.

I'm trying really hard not to feel lonely.

The Cities Sampler isn't doing much to help the situation.

I don't know if it's actually being lonely or just really, really missing some of my friends.

hope for the holidays.

Well, it's been almost a whole week since I got back from Thanksgiving, but it seriously feels like I've been back for 2 days. I've just been so on the go since I've been back.

Let's see...Thanksgiving...
It was really great to be home!
-I got to hang out with my family and have some fun with them.
-My mom, aunt, and I went shopping on black Friday which has become such an awesome tradition. We had so much fun and got some great deals!!
-I got to spend some quality time with Holly & Spencer as well some time with Amy and Joey.
-I met up with some friends from my 2nd high school that I hadn't seen in probably 3 years.
-I got to spend an afternoon catching up with my pastor from high school and his wife.
-I tried on yet another bridesmaid dress.

I think that's about it.

It was one of the best holidays that I've had at home in a long time. All of the girls in the kitchen looking at store ads and laughing about things that don't even make sense. This will be my first Christmas away from home. The holidays just seem so different this year.

I had a very insightful chat with my pastor from home and he has such a heart for missions and reaching out to people in our own backyard. I wonder how many people with great hearts for ministry have been burned by politics like he has. This institution that we call "church" doesn't often resemble much of what it means to be "the Church." So many fights happen about things that are mere adiophora. We lose sight of what's true, right, and good--sharing the Gospel with people who need hope.

Christmas often seems like a lot of adiophora to me. I could take it or leave it. There's so much hooplah and it usually ends up being more work than fun. But there was a night...that a baby came into the world; a baby that lay in a wooden manger. A baby that would one day hang on a wooden cross. That's our God.

I pray that all of the lights, decorations, the glitz and glam of the season, doesn't blind us from seeing Jesus come down to us. Our Prince of Peace. Our Light of the World. He came that night as a baby, He will come on the last day, and He continues to come down to us day after day to be our Savior. May that be the meditation of our hearts this holiday season.

Getting outta here soon...

I should be packing right now...or cleaning the kitchen.

I'm flying out in the morning to go home for a week. :)

My bag is sitting at my feet...a couple of pairs of shoes next to me. I'm trying to figure out if I have room to pack both black and brown color schemes.

Rob Bell is talking in the background. I'm going to have to rewatch "luggage." It's one of the 18 Nooma videos I got with my fatty gift card from Amazon.com.

Laundry is tossing about. The windows are open and the cool breeze feels a little chilly, but kinda nice. I'm wondering how my body is going to receive the cold air of the midwest.

I went to the Women of Faith conference over the weekend. It was really good. I got some really cool key concepts to mull over in my head and heart. I also go to see Nicole C. Mullen and Mandesa. They were both amazing.

Worship at church on Sunday was just soo good for some reason. Like, I just felt really into it and it was nice to leave really feeling uplifted and rejuvenated. Sunday night we had our Thanksgiving meal with the youth group. I was so impressed at all of them bringing food. We had such a good time with it.

I hope I have everything together for the week that I'm gone. Like, that I didn't forget anything. I'm really excited to get home and see family and friends. :) See what the rents think of my newest hairdo and be able to spend some quality time with people.

I'm getting to the point that I don't really care if I leave my place clean...my mom said she couldn't imagine me having a messy apartment. :) Haha.

tired...but more to say than I thought...

I’m really tired.

But a good tired. A tired like I’ve been doing things that are productive all day.

Work has been kind of all over the place lately. I’m pretty busy around church and there’s some stress that’s on me just because there’s a lot to do and think about. But it’s good.

I feel kinda silly because I feel like I should update my blog, but really, there’s not a whole lot of exciting things to share. I’m going home for Thanksgiving next week, so that’s exciting. I also am going to the Women of Faith conference this weekend and I’m pretty jazzed about that. I’ve heard so many great things about it and Nicole C. Mullen is going to be there. :)

I’ve been having some financial stress lately…I know lots of people have, so I’m trying to just suck it up, but still. Being an adult is a lot more difficult in that area than I thought. I hate being so responsible for paying bills, balancing a budget, etc, etc. Not my fav.

I really need to make some friends here. I’ve spent several evenings in a row at home by myself and it’s starting to wear on me. Either I’m here by myself or I’m with little kids. Tonight was nice though..we went out for Tammy’s birthday, so it was cool to hang out with the people from the office outside of the office.

I’m excited to head home and reconnect with some people there.

I’ve had a weird realization this past week. I’m virtually alone and independent. In all reality, I could do whatever I want with my life. There’s nothing stopping me from moving to another country, or starting a band, or working at Starbucks. There’s not really any limitations on what is to come after college. And as of right now, I only have to worry about taking care of me, which makes my life quite flexible and open to options and opportunities. We’ll see what God brings my way. I really have no idea.

In other news….I’ve wanted to free write, write poetry, and especially write songs lately….but there’s nothing there. I don’t really ever remember having such a block. Sigh. I hope it goes away. I want to be creative over Thanksgiving break. I think I’m going to take my guitar home, even if it costs a little extra.

I’m really actually quite happy right now. I’ve been asking God for His joy lately and it is becoming my strength. I’m tried of just being stressed and complaining about what I have to do. He is my joy. This comes to a bit of a surprise to me at the moment because I’m really lonesome for my friends, but God is sustaining me.

I heard a message on K-Love tonight on the way home about God’s timing. Boy, I’m trying to be patient and open to what He has going on. I’m having a hard time not being in control, but God is faithful.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.."

After a week and weekend that I questioned this whole "being in ministry" thing, I had a really great conversation today.

My pastor asked how "discerning my call" was going. I responded with a flat, "I don't know." I'm sure he was annoyed by that. It's my answer to a lot of his questions. It just takes me a bit to think and respond. But with this question, I truly don't know. I've thought about it a lot, too. I'm just at a loss at this point.

I told him that I always thought I'd be in youth ministry hanging out with kids. It's my emphasis...whatever that means. After being here, I just don't see it as what I'll end up doing. He expected that. I love them and all...and I even like doing that, but I don't think it's the thing. Then, I wasn't really prepared for what he had to say. He told me, "Shelly, you can really do anything that you want to, which is really pretty incredible. It's just a matter of you discerning the call that God has place on your heart."

Ugh. In one light, I was so encouraged. Like, to know that this ministry thing is really something that I'm meant to be in...I can't say how gratifying that is. However, to know that this whole field is open wide, is kind of unnerving.

It's like being in a small boat on the ocean. What an adventure! You can see so many things, have big adventures, go anywhere. But then you realize...HOLY CRAP! It's the ocean!! I could be swallowed up at any moment, tossed by a wave, thrown to the sharks! There's this huge sense of unknown. My innate need to control goes ballistic.

Then I think back only a few years ago. I ended up living in a van. Going to a different place almost everyday with people that I'd met only months before. We never knew where our next meal would be, what it would be, if we'd even have a bed to sleep in, or be in a safe place. Everything was so out of my control. Everything. But for some reason, it didn't matter. God is faithful and always provided for us. It wasn't until about month 8, that this realization came over me as we traveled to yet another church. Even then, it didn't worry me. God had proved Himself so faithful all of those other months that He will lead and He will provide.

The door is wide open.

My heart aches for Africa and serving overseas for an amount of time. I can't help but think that there's no good reason why I shouldn't move there for some amount of time and actually physically help people. There are so many orphans and hurting people--we know about it. What reason do I have not to? It's so heavy on my heart. My passion has always been music and there's nothing like leading people in worship. Time melts away, the world is right, and it's just peace. It just is. There's people. I love people. :) Ministry is about people...so okay, in some way, shape, or form that will be covered. I like teaching too, I think. I could see campus ministry creeping into the picture as well. The world is my playground. And God...while You are preparing whatever it is You have for my future, if You could some how put missions in Africa, traveling music ministry, worship leading, and having a family all into one, that'd be really amazing. Thanks!

What's on my heart? That's so difficult to say what's truly on my heart. I've spent so long disconnecting myself from those messages of my heart. Now, knowing that it's the only thing that makes sense...I'm trying so hard to reconnect and actually listen to it. To feel. To know what my passions and dreams are. To know that it's okay to love and be loved. It's all so intense and new though. Just like me and my life...always unfolding.

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. :) Good thing I don't have to decide tonight.

Sunday, bloody Sunday.

Another Sunday come and gone.

It was a very good one though! :) Worship went well.
I got to take a nap.
Core and youth group went pretty quickly.

The weekend was really good. I got my sassy new haircut/color on Friday and that's been exciting! Friday night was spent at a high school football game with a mom of a youth (we had to sit far enough away from the youth as not to embarrass them... haha..I'm already losing cool points). Afterward the kids came over to her house and I spent the evening hearing hilarious stories from my youth. The rest of the night was spent discussing ministry with my friend. She's really trying to push and challenge me. I really appreciate that. This week has been such a draining one. I know that I need to take steps to make sure that doesn't become the norm, but sometimes my coping mechanism is to vent. I need to get it out and then I'll be okay. If it's really intense, then I'll take further steps. I think I don't really have people to vent to except for those who try to fix it or it's their job to challenge me to grow in that area. I just want to have someone that nods. Haha. And a little empathy.

In this, I learned a lesson about myself. I could definitely do less advice giving and more of simply listening.

I got to have some nice down time on Saturday morning and spent the afternoon with Si. We walked around...pretty much our norm. Lunch and walk about. Haha. Occasionally ice cream. He got recognized by a little girl and her mom as "Prince Charming." How cute! I died laughing. :)

Last night I watched "Definitely, Maybe." I couldn't believe how much I liked it. It was such a cool way to tell a story in a movie. I was totally sucked in. Then I caught myself assigning people that I know to the different characters in the movie. I feel like I identified with April..in several ways. I know lots of Will's and Emily's. I'm not really sure about Summer, though. I'll have to think about it more. I genuinely felt for Will.. Oh man. I just really liked this movie. It took place in New York too. That's always a plus.

So my mom is coming out to visit in December (after Christmas). I'm really, really pumped about that! I wish my dad were coming too...but whatev. It'll be nice to have some "mom time." And I get the feeling it might be better off just having her out here. What can you do?

There was a crazy weird dust storm today! I woke up from a nap to howling wind. Then I heard a loud sound on the roof tops. It was RAINING! I couldn't believe it! It was only for a few minutes and it stopped, but rain nonetheless. After that, a big dust storm rolled in. I was sitting in my office watching trees and building disappear behind the wall of dust. People were saying that they'd never seen a "cold" dust storm before. They're usually during monsoons in the summer. It was bizarre. I hate the smell of dust that gets caught in your nose and how it just blankets everything. I just cleaned my patio and my car needs a bath. Other than that, the weather has been lovely.

In other news...I've joined a small group at Camber and am looking at taking some community courses like a dance class or photography. We'll see. It could be cool..and maybe some potential for new friends.

I need sleep. G'night! Blessings on your week!

Fill my cup and let it overflow....

Phew. I'm kinda weary.

There seems to be so much going on in the lives of people around me. I've been busy with stuff at church, but also busy with the Church. There's so many people that are hurting, struggling, dealing with things they shouldn't have to, and just in need of care.

My heart is heavy with the burdens of many. There are so many who need prayer and support. I love being able to be that.

However, I'm finding it to be true, that I, too, need to find a support system. It's even more important whilst I'm trying to minister to the hurting, to make sure that I'm being ministered to and filled up. It's so difficult though.

While Kevin was here, we talked quite a bit about setting boundaries as well as making more connections outside of the church community. Well, both of those things are contributing to the fatigue that I'm beginning to feel. I need to make sure I'm not taking on too much, but not just that, also making sure that I'm being filled up and supported.

It's shalom. Ever since I worked at a camp with that name, I've embraced the concept. When we think of the Hebrew word, shalom or peace, I think we often think of a lack of unrest. We think there is nothing wrong. But "shalom" takes it a step further. It also means wholeness. Not only is there an absence of all things that are wrong, hurtful, bad, and of the evil one, but it means that all is complete, filled, and satisfied. It means that all is "very good" and that life is "to the full." It's not those "eh" days where nothing is bad, but nothing is really that great either.

I'm praying for shalom. That being lonely, over committed, and stressed would cease to exist, while God would place encouraging friends in my life, time to be enjoyed, and joy in simply serving Him.

So I my plea is another Hebrew word. Hosanna.

Working Saturday

This week has flown by!

I wrote an entry last night that contained highlights from the week, but my computer decided to hate me and a lost it. I was too defeated to try again.

Today, however, I must catch up on some work that should've been done awhile ago and that I can have ready for Kevin to come tomorrow! I'm excited for him to visit and check out the church and everything! :)

Well, maybe if I get stuff done today, I'll redo my "recap of my week."

Wait a minute, Mr. Postman!

Have you ever wondered if sending a card really matters at all??

Like "who cares if I do or don't send cards to people"... I've often thought that myself. However, this week, I will tell you that I have been SOOO uplifted by simply receiving a card. This was no simple card, mind you. This card is about 18 inches high!!! I was just thrilled about receiving a delivery that had to be held in the leasing office. Then, I see it's a huge card and that made me smile a lot. It even made the girl in the office smile! :D

I got back to my apartment and began to open it. I thought it was just something that Matt had sent to give me a smile. WRONG!!! It was FILLED with messages and signatures from so many of my friends at Concordia!! I got a little teary-eyed as I began to read all of the messages of joy and love. :) I really miss all of those lovely people, but I was sooo incredibly blessed to receive that card from everyone. I was overwhelmed with love and care. :D

A huge reminder sent by God to tell me that I'm loved and regardless of what satan tries to tell me, I'm not alone. I have a family. They might not be blood related or people that I live with, but they are definitely family.

That card...it's going in my office. Matt asked me if it made my day. I responded, "no, it didn't." "It made my week, month, year, life!" :D

Seriously. Beaming.

"Jesus has overcome..and the grave is overwhelmed."

After a week that's been riddled with tricks from our enemy, a few really cool things come to mind this evening...

The first...something that happen a couple of weeks ago, that I've still just been relishing in. :) I was with our pastor's family for dinner and their little girl was acting out a bit. Pastor David said "It's too bad that you have to act like that when we have company." She replied, "Daddy, there's no company here." He said, "Yeah, because Miss Shelly is family, right?" And she yelled, "right!"

I melted. I obviously am still carrying that with me. Things like that get me through the days when it's hard to be all the way out here.

The second thing happened today.

So, I've been mentoring one of the youth here in leading a youth worship team. I had a meeting with him today and we were discussing our last rehearsal. I didn't sing with them this past week like I usually do because we have a limited amount of available mics. We were reflecting upon the past week and I asked him how that worked and if he wanted me to sing with them anymore. He asked me if was asking if he wanted me to sing with them or needed me too. I said it was all up to him. His response was, "I don't think we need you anymore." I was so proud and happy. I finally felt like I was fulfilling my role as an equipper (yeah..don't tell Derek and Marilyn..haha). Today, I was finally able to grasp what the whole equipping thing is all about. They're doing ministry...I get to walk along side them, but it's not me doing it for them. How awesome!

This week has been kinda overwhelming, but there have been some rewarding moments. The weather is starting to cool off again (hopefully it stays that way this time).

I got to talk to Katy, Andy, Tim Walsy, and more last night for several hours. An obscene amount of time, actually...but it was TOTALLY worth it. Especially amidst a semi stressful/busy week, it's good to be encouraged and grounded by my lovely friends.

I got to go hiking with Josiah on Monday. It was awesome being outside and just climbing, hiking around, and exploring this park. It's been awhile since I've have a purely social interaction, so it was awesome. While we hiking, we came upon this huge wall of rock. It was massive and both just stopped and looked at it. I thought of Psalm 18. It's been a passage that I've been reading repeatedly lately. One of my favorite names of God is Rock. Ask me why sometime..kind of a cool story. But I was so impacted by that.

I also get to sing this beautiful song this week by Chris Tomlin called I Will Rise. It's really been speaking to my heart. My favorite line of it is "the grave is overwhelmed." Isn't that amazing?!? Like, those words just resound. Jesus overwhelms the grave...and not just His, ours too.

In the meantime, I have TONS of things to do. God is faithful. His Word is life and prayer is the blanket of peace that He continues to wrap me in.

I'm full. More like stuffed.

This week has been full. That's the best way to describe it.

I had meetings/activities every night.
The kids are back in school, so I had music classes to teach again.
(And a looming Christmas program that I need to start planning...)
My favorite coffee shop/hang out place closed.
There are some new challenges that I'm trying to work through in my job.
We had a retreat/lock-in for the confirmation kids.
I've been emotionally and socially all over the map.
I was vulnerable in front of new people. :S
My tire got dominated by some punk.
I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring.

I'm tired.

It's hard to be alone and satan totally manipulates that and intensifies that message. God promises, though, that [He] will be with you; [He] will never leave you nor forsake you (Joshua 1:5). Hundreds of times throughout Scripture, God reassures us that He is with us until the very end of the age (Matthew 28:20). He promises to never leave.

Sometimes it's really hard for me to believe that because I don't feel it. So I just have to keep reminding myself of what I know to be true about who God is until I do believe it in my heart.

i am a rollercoaster.......sometimes.....sometimes not

The weekend was amazing. Probably my best weekend here yet.

Friday was spent running errands, spending time with Cher, and dinner with the Brinkmans.

I will admit there was a moment of crabbiness in there when I locked my keys in my car before dinner. AAA came to my rescue. It was good to be around people.

Saturday was going to see Josiah in Cinderella. It was really fun. :) The afternoon was spent at an amazing BBQ place that must be revisited at some point, followed by ice cream and random fun adventures while walking through a Big Lots with Si. It was just nice to not have a schedule, be random, and not really care about anything. It was a really great day. I headed back home and ended up spending a good part of the evening running around with Cher.

Sunday came early as always. I played a song on the guitar during worship! That's a big step for me...and I think it actually went pretty well. I had things planned already for Sunday evening, so I spent the afternoon enjoying the fall weather and sitting at CUPZ. The evening was really fun. The youth worship team is doing really well, confirmation was a lot of fun, and youth group was random, but cool. :)

Yesterday, I felt so good about everything. I got so much accomplished in that day and I felt so productive.

I got up this morning and walked to work. I decided it'd be a great practice and I could pray as I walked. So as I went along, my heart just spoke "God, use me today. Just give me opportunities to be used and help me to accept them." I was just praying that over and over. This woman pulls up alongside me in a van. She yells out the window, "are you going to Risen Savior?" I didn't hear her. I assumed she was lost and needed directions. "Are you going to Risen Savior??" I replied, "yes." She offered me a ride, but I told her I was enjoying my morning stroll with such a beautiful day unfolding. She said okay and went on. Before I knew what had just happened, I realized that God had immediately given me an opportunity. I didn't take it. I was so sad and apologized to him for not taking an opportunity to get to know a mother from the school. As I walked, there's a section with no side walk (which also happens to contain lots of stickers). I was wearing flip flops and they were COVERED in stickers. I was in pain, so once through that little area, I had to stop and pick some of the deep ones out. I just realized though how faithful God is in providing for us. He wants to protect us and gives us opportunities. Most of the time we're oblivious or think our agenda is better. Wow. What a blatant lesson this morning. I put my agenda in front of people and it's a sticky place to be. Literally.

But really..

Today what I feel is lonely. Days like that are hard. I find myself rambling to people that I see, just because I so desperately want to talk with them and maybe be heard for a few moments.

I know God is working on me. It's just hard when it feels like it's just me out here without my normal encouragement, support, and friendship.

Please forgive excessive IM'ing, Facebooking, tweets, texts, and messages of all kinds. I don't mean to annoy, I'm just thirsty for connection with friends. Grant me grace.

the throat is icky. there's no Panera anywhere.

I really hope I don't have strep throat.

I'm the only vocalist for one of the Sunday services and as of this moment, we still don't have a guitar player. Hmm..

God. Today (and through Sunday) I need to You to be mighty to save (b/c You are) and faithful (just like every other day).

People at church said they could tell I wasn't feeling well. I think this is because my face is pale (more pale than normal...wow) and I'm not humming/singing all the time (yah, that's painful at this point in time).

I think I'm going to go check on the kitties that I'm sitting for and sit with them for awhile and then go to this young adult worship dealy. Don't worry...I won't be singing along.

Ya know..I led Fish last year with strep throat. I can sing through most things...but a guitar player. That'd be good.

I thought I'd find a Panera today for lunch and get some soup. I thought it'd do me well. Turns out...not a SINGLE Panera in the state of Arizona!?! How unfortunate. I shall take part in Panera in January in MN. Hopefully I'm better before then, though. ;)

the boat is small. water is rising around my feet.

I had kind of a "meh" day.

I just watched the presidential debate and that only added to my "blech"ness.

Our country needs prayer for our future leader. Neither candidate impressed me even slightly. I was quite disappointed in both of them.

My parents are picking up my sister on Friday!!!!!! :D Then my other sister is moving on Saturday (even though she's on crutches after having surgery on both knees last week). Then Sunday, is my little cousin's 4th birthday. It sounds like a busy weekend...but I'd like to be with my family. Starting Friday, I'll be the only one missing again. :(

I just really wish my friends were here right now. :( Iwishiwishiwish. I know it's such a long way from school, but it's too bad that people can visit for fall break. It's strange hearing about it, but not having it. I get teary-eyed thinking about people visiting. I just want my friends to be here so badly.

This is not a very happy post. Sorry.

This week's worship services is shaped around Jesus calming the storm. There's a great song that I have from team that I'm going to be playing as special music and it totally describes my feeling today.

When everything is wrong,
The day has passed and nothing's done.
And the whole world seems against me.
When I'm rolling in my bed,
There's a storm in my head.
I'm afraid of sinking in despair.
...
You rebuked the wind and the waves.
Once again I find I'm amazed,
At the power of Your will.
'Cause I'm a child of little faith.
I feel the wind and forget Your grace.
And You say, "Peace. Be still."
...
There on the storm I am learning to let go,
The white wave's high.
It's crashing o'er the deck
And I don't know where I go.
Where are you, Lord?
Is this ship going down?
The mast is gone, so throw the anchor.
Should I jump and try to swim for land?
...
There on the storm teach me God to understand,
Your will that I just cannot control.
There may I see all Your love protecting me.
I thank You, Lord,
You are the Calmer of the storm.

Now back to some more network TV and early bedtime.

His Word speaks, Music speaks, and maybe someday, in some way, I will too..

So I went to this young adult worship thing that I go to sometimes. Tonight was different, though, on a few different levels.

First of all, Christian artist, JJ Heller, was there to lead worship and do a couple of sets of her stuff. It was soo good. Like, I'm telling you...she was SO great. She has a folky sound and her and her husband just sounded so lovely together. PLEASE check it out.

(Click the graphic to download a FREE copy of her newest album. It's really great. :) )

I was blessed by JJ and her husband's music for a few different reasons.
-They were great with a sound that is unique to the Christian scene.
-It's just her and her husband up there singing and playing. Throughout the sets they joke with each other, glance at each other, and love playing music together. Her husband was saying just how truly blessed they are that they get to travel together and be in ministry together. That's so awesome to me.
-I want to do what they're doing. Yup. :)

On another note, there's this guy, Chris, that usually speaks every week. Well, he did again tonight and usually I'm into it, but tonight I really wasn't to be honest. He directed us to a place in the Bible and from there, I was completely absorbed in God's Word. I know this isn't a bad thing. :) I'm sure, however, that God had some good things to say through Chris tonight, but instead He decided to point me into the Word a bit more.

A few things caught my eye:
-the story of David and Mephibosheth. Read it. It's absolutely amazing...one of David's lesser proclaimed, but absolutely lovely moments. It's a beautiful story about grace and mercy that David pours out and welcomes Mephibosheth to his table. We see such a reflection of who God is for us in this story. He carries us to His table..dirty and unworthy, but couldn't be more welcome.
-1 Peter 3:4-6 also spoke to me. Peter writes to the women in these churches:
Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They trusted God and accepted the authority of their husbands. For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do.

I've been really struggling with shopping all of the time. I don't have much else to do and I'm getting all into the "image" that I portray and so on. 'I "need" these jeans,' 'I would look much cooler with this necklace,' 'I need a hair style that looks more like a musician.' Wow. This passage jumped out at me and spoke truth about all three of those things.

Then JJ sang this song called "True Things." It's all about how we are not what we wear, what we look like, what we do, etc...but we are filled with true things because God says we are. We are worthy of love because God loves us.

It was a really great evening of worship and hearing God's truth spoken to me. I can't tell you how good it is to go to a worship and not lead it.

I had an overall great day--God revealed a lot to me today...more than I can say in one entry. Spiritual gifts, mission work, scary (but exciting) realities, music, and seeing how God moves. Wow. I hope that one day we can meet for coffee and you can tell me your story...and maybe I'll tell you a few of my own. :)

"So no one told you life was gonna be this way...but I'll be there for you 'cause you're there for me too.."

Skype is amazing! Since downloading this awesome webcam program, I've got to have several conversations with people across the country. It's kinda strange, but sooo awesome. I actually feel like I'm hanging out with people and I got to talk to the other interns, attend small group, take a tour of the RLC, and go to Fish. Weird, I know...but I'm not kidding. It's really made me feel a lot better. It's been more evident to me this year than ever before that community is so important. Friends are so important. Having a support system, people to unwind and destress with, people to listen when things are wrong and laugh because you can, people that you just know are going to love you.

"Again I saw something meaningless under the sun:

There was a man all alone;
he had neither son nor brother.
There was no end to his toil,
yet his eyes were not content with his wealth.
"For whom am I toiling," he asked,
"and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?"
This too is meaningless—
a miserable business!
Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:7-12

Even if it's just via the internet, I'm still soo blessed by my friends. It's not a situation that I'd want to be in for too long, but for this year, I am being reminded that friends are not something to be taken for granted. They are such a huge blessing from God. Who are the people in your life that are important to you? Have you spent time with them lately? Have you told them why they're important to you? It's not a bad idea...let them know that you appreciate and love them. :)

As I laughed with Josiah this evening and then with Bri until tears were rolling down my face, I realized...it doesn't get much better than this.

Alliteration Anecdotes Are Always Appealing

Lots has happened since my last entry...

1. Serving Stewart
I went into Phoenix to hang out with Josiah on Thursday. Well, he really wanted to find pumpkin pie, so we went to several "Perkins-esque" type restaurants and found nothing. We went to the last one and there was a man sitting outside of the restaurant begging for money. Josiah went to talk to him and he asked for some cash. We didn't have any really, so we took him inside to order him some food. While waiting for the food, we learned that his name was Stewart, he'd just got out of prison and was facing a hard road. He has drug and alcohol addictions, is homeless, hungry, and far from family who might be able to help him. We were just listening to his story and encouraging him with his efforts to turn his life around. We talked to him for probably almost an hour. Josiah had an idea to tell Stewart about his church that was just down the street. Josiah called his mom to see when Celebrate Recovery (a support program for addicts) met and it just so happened that it was meeting right then. We decided to take Stewart there. We took him to the church with his food, got him sat down at a table, and explained to the head of the ministry about his struggles and the fact that he didn't have a place to sleep that night. Stewart kept thanking us and saying that he knew that God would send help. We were encouraging him that with God's help, he could turn his life around. We haven't heard from him since then. Josiah was supposed to meet him the next morning, so he could go to his court appointment, but Stewart didn't show. We hope that someone from the church got him connected with the right people to help him. It was quite an adventure...and to be honest, there is probably no way that I would've went through all of that without Josiah taking the lead and really having a heart for Stewart. I wonder how long it's been since someone had sat and talked with him and put a hand on his shoulder. I pray for him tonight and that he's doing okay.

Talk about an answered prayer about having a heart for people and their hurts! (see previous entry) Geesh! God is so good.

2. Reverend Relocation
Yesterday, our new associate pastor and his family moved in to their new house. I went over to help them move and ended up staying most of the day to help his wife, Cher, unpack all of the kitchen stuff and wash all of the dishes before putting them away. It was really nice just talking and working with her. We talked the whole time. She encouraged me about being a woman of God that doesn't just give in to what's easy and what's accepted by society, but waiting for the promises of God to be fulfilled in me. She wanted to know about my call to ministry...it was funny to hear someone use that phrase in reference to my life. She wanted to know about boys. She wanted to know about future plans and goals. It was refreshing to me. I felt so blessed to have another affirming woman in my life that could be a really great mentor and friend. She also really affirmed me. She was saying that she truly believes that I was gifted especially to be a worship leader and that there's just something about me when I'm leading...that the Holy Spirit speaks. She told me that I should at least consider worship leading, if not pursue it. I told her that my heart was definitely open to it and I'm going to think/pray over it this year. Cher also said something else that I thought was very profound and thoughtful: "I just can't wait to see who you are at the end of this year. I'm so curious and excited to see what God is teaching you this year and what it is that He's preparing you for through this internship."

I had to stop. I hadn't really thought of any of those things. I mean, I have my plans and ideas...which is dangerous. (Check out James 4 as to why..it really spoke to me.) Again, I got to a place of humility. God is using me. Wow. What a realization! And somehow...through using me here, He's preparing me to be used elsewhere...in places I haven't even heard of yet! Very humbling and exciting.

3. Battle of the Bands
I was just hanging out at home last night when Lori called and she and Dan were taking Ivan and heading out to watch Dimitri's marching band competition and invited me to come. :) It was something different to do and it's always fun to be around a family. They are a really great one too. :) I had fun watching the different bands perform and reminiscing about what high school was like...and how different I feel from the kids that are that age now. It's always great to be amidst families though and I got to see one of my youth do something that he's so deeply devoted to. It was very cool. AND...it just so happens, that his director is from Phantom Regiment. Sooo...via this experience, Dimitri and I have a whole new thing to connect about!

4. Tag along Tidbits
-Debbie is going to be back in the States soon!!!!!!! Pray for safe travel. I'm beside myself with excitement.
-youth worship team went well tonight, they're sounding really good! It's exciting!
-We talked about Abigail in Women of the Old Testament tonight. What a phenomenal woman! The lesson challenged us to challenge ourselves as to how we can be peacekeepers in our own lives. Something think upon...what areas do I need more peace?
-Singing for a funeral tomorrow...maybe playing guitar too. Kinda stressful for me to do that...but we'll see. It may not be too bad.
-School is out on break...so I don't have to teach for awhile. It'll give me more time to get work done and plan ahead. :)
-Even though I'm really feeling very good about being here and what's going on here, I still miss my friends. I think even if I had made lots of friends here already, I'd still miss them. I really really, really love my friends. That's all. :)

losing my phone, my patience, & my apathy toward the human race

My phone is gone. I hosted the ladies from church tonight for our monthly Bunco night. After all was cleaned up and everyone had left, I realized that I had a phone date that was a few minutes overdue. I looked around the counter and my phone was nowhere to be found. I looked everywhere...outside, all over inside, & even had a friend call it. Nothing. I have a feeling that someone took it by mistake. My eyes were opened to my ridiculous dependence on it though. I guess it seems more legit though since I'm away from loved ones and it's one of the very few ways I can stay connected. Reason #1 that my priorities are outta wack. I can't be away from my phone for a few moments without flipping, but I can skip a day of being in the Word so easily.

I went to a few of meetings today... at a couple of them, I felt like I was on the outside. I guess it's understandable because I'm new and such and they're discussing things that have gone on for awhile, but still. I don't know...sometimes I feel like asking me what I think is a just a formality. This is reason #2 that my priorities are outta wack. I can't be apart of anything that I don't have some sort of control over, otherwise I'm dissatisfied. It doesn't always have to be about me--I think this is what my frustration boils down to.

I've been asking God to really give me His heart for people in the last few months and especially the last few weeks. I want compassion for people and really want to care about them and help them with what they're going through. There's this song that's come on the radio recently called "Give Me Your Eyes." It's an incredible song about asking God to show us how He sees His children. Well, tonight, something was started. There's a profile on Twitter called CSPSecrets and it's a profile devoted to anyone in the CSP community to share anonymously, like the site Post Secret. It's already been sooo enlightening to see all of the people that are struggling and feel like they are alone and can't share those things. It makes you wonder what any person that you interact with is going through or carrying with them. It really stops and makes you think twice about how to enteract with people. Everyone is fragile. Everyone has baggage. Everyone has stuff. Be gentle.

Find joy in everything. That's what I want my attitude to be. That..and love. Just loving people. I've been on a kick about this since January, but I just want to love people just because they are creation of the Maker. I fail often, but this is what I strive for.

So for now...computer is my only form of communication, going with the flow (but also being involved) is something that I'm going to work on, and love. Love is my goal, my focus, and my passion.

It's the only thing that makes sense and really the only thing that we have to give that is of some value. One of my favorite movies, Moulin Rouge, says this, "the greatest thing, you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

...be loved in return...that's a topic for another day.

acapella thoughts on overdue movies and the church

As I sit in my apartment watching videos of acapella groups (4th gear) on youtube my mind continues to mill and mill.

A few things:
1. There aren't many acapella groups with girls, but I'd love to be in one.
2. I can't wait to be in a band. I honestly love that I get to sing everyday. I can't tell you how much.
3. I never imagined how difficult this time of internship would be to be away from friends.
4. I'm meeting the other area DCE's tomorrow and I'm utterly stoked. Like, probably to a ridiculous level...but I don't care. I'm especially excited about meeting fellow interns--ecstatic!
5. I should give myself a bed time because I've been staying up way too late just dinking around on the internet lately. I'm okay with it when I'm talking to people online, but that's not what's kept me up the last few nights.
6. Do you think overdue movie rentals are a sin? If so, I'm currently living in sin. I'm repenting/correcting my sin tomorrow though.
7. What is my purpose here? Why does God have me in this place at this time?

Tonight in church council Bible study (I'm utterly amazed that the church council has a Bible study, by the way) we watched the Nooma video, Sunday. It talks all about rituals and going to church because it's a habit and doing all of these things in order to see and be seen. It turns into a way to make ourselves look good instead of a true act of passion and love for our God. Rob Bell talked about how God doesn't want these empty works. He wants our hearts.

This is going to sound weird, I'm sure, but the thing is...I think that's almost more difficult to me. I mean, ask me to do something and I'll do it and to my best ability. You want to love me and show me how you love me? Yikes. That scares me. You just want me to simply love you and allow myself to be known? That's something I don't do well at all. But that's what You want.

I think back on my day to day life. I measure the day by how many checks are marked on my "to do" list or how empty my assignment white board is. I measure my life in the "business" side of things. I remember back to a class last year when we talked about programming vs. relationship building. Being a DCE is about relationship building, not how many programs you can pull off. Sometimes they're necessary to build the relationships...but not the important things themselves. So I think about my day. How many people did I connect with today? How many people did I stop to say "hi" to and see how they were doing? Who did I serve today? I'm worried about the "business" of my day...but guess what? I work for God's church and He's in the business of people! :) Don't just go to church, BE the church.

Just something to think about...

In the mean time, I need to tend to the business of returning/repenting for my overdue movies.

What's Your Story?

One of my favorite things to do is listen to stories. I love hearing the stories of strangers and people that I have known for years. This is how we can learn to understand someone, how we can show someone that we care about them, and how we can gain compassion for others.
For the past several weeks in the senior high Bible study time we have been studying the book of Romans. There are so many great themes and messages that are displayed throughout Romans. Our first lessons was studying the first several verses of the book and we talked about Paul’s pure joy and excitement to share the Gospel with the world. In the first verse of Romans, Paul even goes so far to say that he was “set apart for the Gospel of God (Rom. 1:1).” Paul, a converted persecutor of Christians, wanted to live for nothing else but to spread the message of Christ crucified. In verse 16 of Romans 1, Paul writes: “I am not ashamed of the Gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes.” This was the confirmation verse that was chosen for me, so it is familiar. However, when I think of Paul’s circumstances and his passion for the Gospel, I am continually amazed. The same message he had killed people for in the past became something that he was willing to die for himself.
The conversation of the group came to the question, “why don’t we have Paul’s attitude about boldly proclaiming the Gospel?” We are afraid. Rejection, embarrassment, and not knowing enough about Scripture or doctrine are just a few fears that kill our passion to share boldly. So what’s the answer? How do we get around these fears to fulfill the Great Commission of Matthew 28:19? My first thought is stories. When you get to know someone, you tell them stories about who you are, places you’ve been, and things you’ve done. Telling a story from your life and where you saw God working is a wonderful way to boldly proclaim the God that loves us! It can be difficult to walk up to someone and say “Here’s a Bible. Let me tell you about Jesus!” However, I think that just about anyone can tell a story about themselves and help others see where God has been working throughout their story. Everyone is equipped and capable of sharing Jesus with others. God has given each of us a story. Sharing your story also welcomes others to do the same and gives you an opportunity to help him or her see where God has been working in their life! I had a professor who told us she tore the back cover off of her Bible because the story isn’t finished yet. God is still working through all of our stories. I think of that old song, I Love to Tell the Story. The story of Jesus’ love can be found throughout the adventures and tales of our own lives. His rescue happens over and over again for us. His faithfulness continues to be revealed in our day to day lives.
We don’t need bull horns or gimmicks. It can simply be sharing your story and inviting someone to do the same. Blessings to you as you reflect on your personal story of God’s love and use it as a light to others!

He Makes Dread into Delight (and why am I so surprised?!?)

God surprises us. Well..I guess I should speak for myself. He surprises me.

But why am I constantly surprised at His faithfulness?!? It's nuts--but He's helping me learn to trust.

The past week has been all over the map. Needless to say, I'm glad it's over. I usually have Fridays and Saturdays off, but this week we planned a lock-in for Friday night and a service work day for the youth for Saturday. Well, in light of my heavy week, I wasn't exactly pumped about my lack of free time for the weekend. Thursday night, I ended my work week with a heavy heart and some stress from my lack of control in some aspects of my job. I asked a friend to have lunch, so we made plans for Friday.

She was all concerned that I was overworked and had too much stress already. She gave me some encouragement about only doing what I can do and not letting the rest get to me. I don't know why, but it seems that I'm either completely carefree or I'm feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. She helped remind me that I'm not really in control even when I think I am and God is going to do with things what He will. I hardly had slept the night before. I was thinking about things that hadn't been planned, faulty communications, uncertainties, and potential failures. I woke on Friday exhausted and saying.."God, I can't do this on my own. Just take it." God used my friend to affirm this message and humble me once again. I had a fun afternoon with her and we spent time just living life and not sitting around stressing about details. I felt so much better at the end of the afternoon that I spent with my friend.

I went home thinking that this lock-in and service day could be alright. And it was more than alright. I had fun, I got to see the hearts of these incredible youth that just purely want to serve, and I got to get to know these same youth a bit better. They're just lovely and I'm so proud of them. They're stepping outside of their comfort zones to get to know people of a completely different generation who probably don't think too highly of those "crazy teens" upon first glance. They work hard and want to help. They're changing people and making a difference. :) I also get to tag along and meet some great people as well. I'm building some fun relationships with some older generations of the congregation, which is very important here. God also came through and put my mind to rest about stresses and worries that have been weighing me down.

God totally used this weekend to revive my passion to change the world. It might be moving sand, it very well could be moving to Africa, it most likely will include some sort of music element, and it's always going to involve just listening to people and loving them. Yah.

Thanks for this weekend, God. I pray that you continue to "break my heart for what breaks Yours" and help me to trust what you say in Romans 8:28: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

He used a long week to show me that there's still people who need to be loved, there's things beyond my control, and He's still working on me and filling me with huge passion for something that will make a difference. In the end, I just want to be used--that's all. I hope and pray that God continues to fill me with that desire.

In the meantime, the things I'm learning:
-I'm never too important to help someone else.
(Galatians 6:3 (NLT): If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important.)
-Never underestimate the power of community, friendship, and encouragement. Trying to handle life on my own is silly and down right unhealthy. I'm not invincible (even though I sometimes like to pretend I am. ;) )
-Worrying doesn't change a situation.
(Matthew 6:34: Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.)
-God is showing me the plans He has for me more and more every day.
-(and an ongoing theme) God is faithful to His promises. Always.

Live. Love. Let Him Love you. :D

Always Faithful to the Unfaithful

Today has been kind of a tough day and needless to say, I'm not in the best of moods. I find that my moods can change so quickly. One thing can happen or be said and my mood is just ruined for the day. Something small can annoy me and that is what consumes my mind for the next few hours at least.

One of the main points of the youth group Bible study that we had on Sunday was faith. We talked about how sometimes our moods change, our perceptions of who God is change, and our trust in God may increase or decrease. The thing is that no matter what, God doesn't change. He is still faithful. That is one thing that we can always have faith in; that God is faithful to us. We run, but He always chases us.

Hebrews 10:23
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

This is one of my favorite verses. God promises our love, forgiveness, and salvation that was brought to fruition through Jesus' death and resurrection. Another great promise that He makes us is to "work for the good of those who love Him." He also promises to never leave or forsake us. What a great God we have!

I often think about every time that I pass up an opportunity to pray or read Scripture. I picture God just patiently waiting until I do talk to Him for awhile. Sometimes I apologize for how long it takes me to chat with Him. It's just like a relationship we might have with friends. How often do we schedule a coffee date and cancel with Him? I know I walk right past Him all of the time without saying "hello" because I'm having a bad day. But He still won't go away. Praise Him for that.

Breaking the "Blahs"

Well, I'm really liking the things of internship. My job is great, the church is great, people are great as well.

I think, however, it's taking me a bit to get used to being away from college and all that it entails. There are two main things that I'm really missing right now.

The first is my friends. There's not really people my age around here and I don't really have friends nearby. There are some great families that I love spending time with and some people I'm really enjoying getting to know, but none of them are really my age. It's an interesting transition after being so social in the college world.

The second is spontaneity. I have a pretty normative routine here. I like routines because they're easy to remember, I know what I have to do and get done, and I can have a plan and be prepared. However, I miss spontaneous trips to the river or the falls, late nights at Perkins, impromptu conversations in the CMC, and the "it's whatever" attitude of my college life. Here, everything seems so structured and I don't have anyone to be random with. :S It's something that I'm going to have to figure out how to circumvent.

I found a verse today though that gave me encouragement for living in the here and now. Sometimes it's going to be difficult on this internship journey, but I want to be sure that I'm living life to the full and being present in this time and place. The verse that's speaking to me right now was actually apart of a song that we were practicing at praise team tonight.

Psalm 118:24
"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

I pray that no matter what may be going on and no matter how "blah" I feel--I will be reminded of this verse and the blessing that today is. It's not something to be wasted, but lived. What ever it means in your life, I hope you're living and not just being alive. Be glad in the day that God has given us! :)

Temptation of Suffocation

Last year, I had a wonderful experience with the spiritual discipline of Sabbath. Now, at this time last year, I probably couldn't really tell you what it meant to practice Sabbath in my life and might've even told you it was not important or irrelevant. I may have told you that it gets taken care of when we go to church. I learned a lot about Sabbath within the past year and most of my initial thoughts weren't exactly on track.

The 3rd commandment (in the Lutheran numbering) is "Remember the Sabbath by keeping it holy." This commandment wasn't just some rule for the Israelites to follow, but it was command God put in place so that He would have time with His children. And ya know what? He still wants to spend time with them! That fact has not changed a bit!

Okay, so take a look at your week. If your family and friends were asked if they could tell what day was set aside to spend time with your God and take a break, would they be able to? I know that just a few months ago I would say "no" with gusto. Even when I was at worship, I was "working." My friends rarely saw me and I was staying up late and getting up early to get things done. And ya know what? It was awful.

When I started internship, I told myself that I needed to have a Sabbath day that was protected. I needed to do my best to protect that day from any sort of work, meetings, planning, and anything that wasn't something I "had" to do. I could run errands on my Sabbath because I enjoy doing that--it's fun to me! I could sit by the pool, hang out with friends, be in God's Word, or sleep in without feeling guilty at all. This is what my Sabbath has been. It's tough and takes planning ahead and diligence, but it's important for my mental, social, and spiritual health. Not to mention, if I don't rest, I will get burned out.

So today, we were looking at schedules to plan a meeting. Friday was suggested, but I actually spoke up to protect it. I was surprised at myself, but I've seen what good has come out of keeping my Sabbath holy. That Sabbath mentality carries through the rest of the week and I'm more focused and at peace. One of the other people at the meeting mentioned that they don't have a day of rest and one of their days off (Sunday) is spent at church, teaching. The conversation continued in that direction and I began to feel guilty about my "untouchable" day. I almost said, "it's okay, let's do Friday." Then I remembered all that I had experienced in learning about Sabbath throughout the last year. I nearly suffocated in business and life--I honestly was so unhealthy that it was getting out of control. I still get tempted, however, to be so incredibly and irresponsibly busy. I need down time--time to enjoy life and enjoy God. It's so easy for me to feel guilty about not doing enough as I see others be soo busy, but I had to remind myself that, that's what I've worked so hard to get out of. It is my job as a church professional to set an example of Christian living and to show people what it means to practice wellness. Even my pastor reminded me of that last week when I was about to run to church for a quick church task last Friday. He stopped me and told me to let it be--it wasn't that important to interrupt God's day.

Sabbath rest is a beautiful thing--it's something I want to maintain and has taken me a long time to adopt. I can tell you, though, I honestly couldn't do ministry and wouldn't want to do ministry without Sabbath rest.

I challenge you...take the break that God has blessed you with in His 3rd commandment. See if your family can recognize your Sabbath day--spend it with them. I pray that you dive deep into this practice and are richly blessed by it.

Prayer...Does it really change anything?

Prayer. It's something that I just plain don't get. Now bear with me for a moment. I'll explain.

Earlier this year, I wrote about a book that we read in class called "The Celebration of Discipline." It was a challenging book in many ways with lots of good things to say, but I was frustrated by the chapter on prayer. It really broke open the topic of prayer in my mind and really, I just came up with all of these questions that I couldn't answer and it seemed that everyone around me had made peace with. Ugh...it just left me stuck.

I know that God's Word tells us to "pray continually" and that Jesus even prayed to His Father. God promises to listen to our prayers. Jesus even taught us how to pray. Paul's letters are filled with mentions of his prayers for people in churches all over. Moses called down God's power in prayer. We see how God responds to the prayers of His people over and over.

I don't get it.

Let's start with what prayer is not.
1. The point of prayer isn't to control God. He's not our vending machine or our butler. Prayer isn't our hotline to get whatever we want.
2. Prayer doesn't change who God is. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.
3. Prayer isn't the formula to make God work; He works without our prayers. In Luther's Small Catechism it says, "certainly God's Kingdom comes with our prayers, but we pray in this petition that it might come to us also." So, God's still going to work in us and for us even if we don't ask for it.

In "Celebration of Discipline," however, it talks about how we shouldn't pray "if it be Your will" when we pray for things because we need to pray boldly with faith; knowing that God will grant our request. What about when we pray with confidence and what we pray for doesn't happen? What then? Okay, so the book suggests as we draw near to the heart of God, we grow closer to what His will is and can pray more and more boldy because our will lines up with His. My question would be, "why pray, then?" If it's going to come to pass anyway? Well, often when we pray, it brings us peace and an calming connection with our Father. Prayer isn't meant to change God, but our conversations with Him often change us. He commands us to pray...it's talking to our Daddy about our day. :) (But I'm still not going to pretend like I get it.)

Another question about prayer...what is intercessory prayer all about? I don't get that either. I've got to the point where I understand how prayer changes me, but when I'm praying for others, what does that do? If I'm not trying to change God and I know that His will is good and gracious, then why pray for people and situations? I just don't understand how it works. This became more and more sensitive to me as I grew closer to situations that desperately need prayer and people who really need protection. What does prayer do for them? Honestly, I have no idea.

I just got to a point where prayer seemed superfluous and something everyone did to make themselves look good. I wanted to want to pray...but I just felt like it didn't matter and it just made me more frustrated the more I thought about it. Wow, satan sure pulled one on me.

I do know one thing, however, since I have been on internship, I have seen God answer prayer in SO MANY huge ways. I can't tell you how many times within the last month that HUGE prayers have been answered. For example, the school wanted to serve hot lunch during the day but didn't have a commercial license for the kitchen. They were going to cater meals, but the inspector came in and said the kitchen was fine for commercial use. The next morning a woman randomly called the school saying that she had to be the school chef. Air conditioner problems that were supposed to take weeks to fix took only a few hours. At 10pm on the night before worship, God provided a guitar player to lead the praise team. After losing our music teacher, God laid it on my heart to fill the role and the next morning a mother came in and said she'd like to help with the music program! Things like this happen at Risen Savior all of the time! I can't get over it! God is teaching me so much...just over and over again He is teaching me that He is faithful. He whispers it to me through others, shows it to me throughout my day, and reads it to me in His Word.

God shows that He is faithful and He is always hanging on to me, even when I let go to cover my eyes at what is to come. Prayer is a vessel of His peace that passes all of our understand. Peace isn't the only thing that passes my understanding though...prayer in general is a mystery to me. I do know, however, that no matter how "faithful in prayer" I might be (or might not be), God is faithful. One of my favorite verses is from Hebrews 10:23:
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

Always..with or without our prayers...He is faithful.

Welcome to the Desert!

This is from an email I wrote on 7/27; I'll update again soon. :)

July 27th:


Well, I can't believe that I've already been here in Chandler for a whole week! It's gone by so quickly!

My parents and I drove out here from Kansas (I followed my dad in my car the whole way). We left on the 17th and got here last Sunday afternoon. It was a pretty decent drive through lots of desert and flat land. The day before we got to Chandler, however, we had to come down through some mountains. Well, it's monsoon season in Arizona, so they get these weird rainstorms this time of year. As we were driving through the mountains in the rain and hail, my driver's side windshield wiper broke. My parents were driving in front of me, but it was raining so hard that they didn't notice I'd stopped. We were driving down the mountain, so they were very worried about me after awhile. The rain eventually slowed down, they came back up and found me, and we continued driving in the light rain with frequent stops to wipe off the windshield. We got to the next town and a guy happened to still be working at an auto parts store. He graciously fixed my windshield wiper.

I moved in here and got settled last Sunday. I also was able to spend a little bit of time hanging out with Joy and Michael before they left. The rest of the week was spent on staff retreat with all of the staff from the church and school. It was a great way to get to know people and we went through the book, Captivating, which was very good. I got to jump in and lead worship for the retreat, as well as share a little bit during a worship time. We got back on Wednesday evening in time for worship team practice and Thursday was my first day in the office. Friday and Saturday I had off, but Saturday was filled with getting last minute things ready for Sunday worship that kind of got overlooked with the transition between interns. Today was my installation at all 4 services and everything worked out well for the two services I help lead. I almost had to play guitar for one service which really scared me, but they found someone at the last minute. Phew. This evening was my first full evening with the senior high youth and it was cool to start to get to know them. I can tell that they're already becoming at ease around me and vice versa.

When I got here last Sunday, they had a basket of "Arizona necessities" waiting for me on my table from the youth group with a note that said "look in the fridge." I wrote on my bio that I sent to the church, that I like Dr. Pepper and they filled the whole bottom of my fridge with Dr. Pepper...cans, bottles, 2 Ltrs...the works! Amazing! I've been so blessed by people here already.

In other news...it's hot. So hot, but the humidity is considerably less here. No worries, though, I have 2 pools to cool off at. My apartment is awesome and it's already beginning to feel like home with pictures on the walls and such. I have wireless here, so that's really nice. I also recently got texting, so it's my newest hobby. :) All the help I can get with communication is welcomed--the 2 hour time difference is challenging enough. When Daylight Savings comes, however, I'll only be an hour different from Central time. Arizona doesn't do a time change. Amazing! :D

Things are really picking up here, though. I'm already getting into the full swing of things and I know it's only going to keep picking up. It's very exciting to be out here--there's so much going on and it's always growing! Any and all prayers are appreciated! :D

Africa, Arizona, CSP, or somewhere in between...

So my last post was about how anxious I was about leaving Concordia. Well, it wasn't easy and I'm still having to say good-bye's along the way, but I'm at home (for almost 2 weeks now) from Africa.

Leaving CSP was crazy. I had finals and just a few days to finish up school work, tie up loose ends for internship, pack for the trip, pack my room and move out (my parents graciously came up to help me out), move all of my residents out, sing for 3 graduatons, have a bon voyage concert, and say lots of good-byes. It was crazy. Ghana seemed calm in comparison.

Anywho..we left on that Sunday after finals and I haven't had my laptop since that Saturday, so my internet access has been sort of limited since. Ghana was amazing. I can't even begin to describe what it was like. I mean, there's so much that I experienced that was way different from anything I ever have experienced before. I've heard so many people say that it's impossible to describe our trip there, but I just keep thinking about it and wanting to share.

Some highlights:
-the worship of Ghanaian Christians--I loved our worship services. They usually lasted several hours, but they were full of the Spirit and full of life. People worshiped with their entire beings. We danced our offerings to the front of the sanctuary at every worship service. I loved the music. I have never had so much fun worshiping our Creator.

-the people--Everywhere we went, people were overjoyed to have us there. They all wanted us to come back later and wanted to do whatever they could for us. We were so different from all of them and stuck out so greatly, but they didn't care. They only wanted us to feel welcome and bent over backwards to do that.

-the children--I got to spend some time playing with some children in a village. I had a blast! It made me realize just how much I love kids. I couldn't even effectively communicate with them, but we had so much fun and I felt like I connected with them. That was so empowering and encouraging to me--I felt greatly affirmed in my career path and calling into ministry. It also made me consider the possibility of mission work.

-the Spirit--I think that sometimes when American Christians think of Africa, we think "mission field." "Those people need to hear about Jesus!" Well, yes, they do, but I'm pretty sure He's already made it to Africa. His Spirit is quite alive there, too. I couldn't believe how Spirit-filled people were there. They are so passionate about prayer and Bible study. Many stores and businesses have Christian names. I got to meet the chaplain of a college choir there that we sang with. It was cool to meet another choir chaplain. She prayed so passionately and told me of their weekly prayer meetings that are just to get together and pray for an hour. She said, "this choir can't operate without two things and those are prayer and being in the Word." I was floored. We can learn a lot from our Ghanaian brothers and sisters.

-time spent with friends--I don't know if you've noticed this, but I love my friends. I had such a good time experiencing the culture of Ghana and all of it's ups and downs with people that I care so deeply about. We had a blast and I'm so glad that I got to spend that intentional time with several people that I won't see again for a long time. It was a sacred time and I was blessed by it. I'm going to miss my CSP crew.


Now, I'm at home in Kansas. It's hot. We don't have the air on. I don't have a job, but I'm helping around the house. I've been keeping busy doing that and I'm looking forward to starting my internship in July. Things keep changing, but I think I'm ready to head out to internship. It's weird now being in between. I'm kind of lonely for my friends and for hanging out with them, but at the same time it's been good to have atleast a little time with my family and some friends from home.

Please pray for me as I try to prepare, mentally, emotionally, financially, socially, and spiritually for this new journey. For now, it's about bed time. People go to bed early around here.

Peace.

...or not, here it comes

So the last thing that I wrote about was how ready I am to leave Concordia for the next year.

It hasn't come quite as easily as I thought it would. It's actually been disgustingly difficult the last couple of days. It's starting to sink in that I won't be coming back here for over a year and when I do, it'll look different, there will be new people, and a lot of the old ones will be gone. The same place, but a very different place all at the same time.

I'm already sick of saying good-bye. Last night I said good-bye to the people at my field work church and I didn't really think it would be that big of deal. I cried...a lot. So did a lot of other people...but it was so hard. That's only the beginning...maybe it'll get easier. I'm not so sure, though, because so many that I love so much are still left to say good-bye to.

Then Africa. It's coming! A few get to journey along with me there but good-byes will have to happen on that trip. That may be even worse. I do think, however, that Africa will be a good transitional piece for me to propel myself forward after CSP. I'm not coming back to the Cities after Ghana until Anna and Adam's wedding. So I think I'll be more calm and settled about the move to AZ by then.

Oh, AZ...so much down time until I get to come to you. I think that is a necessary buffer. I don't think my emotions could handle much more. Or my body for that matter...I'm going to be shot for awhile.

I'll be honest...I'm really going to miss a lot of people. Some of the best people and some of the best friends I've ever had have been from here at Concordia. This chapter of my life is beginning to end. That's hard for me to face the fact that some of these people I won't eat lunch with everyday and study with or get Jamba with. Things slip by so quickly. Live it up--love people, love life.

I saw a cardinal this afternoon. One of my friends is convinced that whenever she sees cardinals it's God's sign and reminder to her that He is present amidst a trying time. Today I was grateful for that cardinal.

ready.

The year is winding down here at school and it's almost time to say good-bye. I think a change will be really positive for me. For the next year I will be working full time as an intern in a parish hundreds of miles from here.

I have a feeling this is going to be a good change for me. I will get to learn a lot, meet new people, make a new start in a far away place, and serve full time in ministry. I pray that God will watch over me as I try to fit in there, as I try to do my best to serve Him, and as I try to take care of myself and be fed spiritually, socially, mentally, and physically.

I'm tired of feeling like I don't really fit within this puzzle anymore. I think it's because there's another puzzle that has a piece missing for me to fill in.

I pray that God helps to give closure here and healing, while preparing me for what's to come.

faith.

When it seems like there's no answers, the problem is too big, and there's nothing that can be done to make the situation easier...when it seems impossible, overwhelming, and discouraging...when it seems like there is nobody who cares, no support, and God is nowhere to be found...that is the time. It's then when we grow in faith.

It is a matter of growing in faith or giving up hope. Jesus said "blessed are those who believe without seeing." I think right now I'm more on the "doubting Thomas" side of things, but I'm being challenged to grow in faith. Ya think the disciples had some questions when Jesus called them away from life to follow Him? You think they were a bit stressed on rough waters? They often didn't get it, but it was those times that everything seemed wrong that their faith grew and the glory of the Lord was shown to them.

I pray that I'm in some stage of that process right now......just waiting for the glory to be shone. But as of right now, I'm still feeling the waves hit me.

Prince Problems

Being a single girl myself, I didn't have much of a problem discussing struggles with guys when one of my senior high girls came to me on Wednesday. Our society puts so much emphasis on romantic relationships even at a young age. It's difficult to see all of your friends have a date to a dance, but you are still without. Many people see this as trivial, which it might be, but that is her reality. That is her struggle. This problem is affecting her and that makes it important.

We talked about how God delights in us. There might not be a boy in her life that gets butterflies when he sees her, but there's a God who knows her better than she knows herself and she makes Him get butterflies every time He sees her. We talked about one of my favorite verses: "Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30. Those other things that attract high school boys may not be found in my beloved youth (even though I think she's delightful and beautiful), but she is a young woman of faith who loves and fears the LORD in a huge way! That's way more valuable than all of those other traits.

I share with her how since God is our Father and He is the King of Kings, Jesus is the Prince of Peace, and we are brothers and sisters in Christ. Soo...we are princesses. :D This might not seem too appealing for men, but I don't think that a girl, whether a little girl or an elderly woman, could keep themselves from smiling when they are called "princess." God helped us stumble onto this verse after the princess discussion: "it is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes." Psalm 118:9 How perfect! God is good...

And ya know...I think someone sometime somewhere is going to get butterflies at the thought of me, but until then, I'm fine. God is faithful and teaching me to seek Him first and all things will be given to me.

Yeah, prayer... wait....prayer?

So prayer has been something that has solidly been on my heart and mind in the last weeks.



I read this book called Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster. It was a good book but I wrestled with the chapter on prayer a lot. He makes some comments about how in the past he had only "marginal success" with prayer. I don't understand this at all. How can prayer be unsuccessful? We know that prayer is to change us and align our will with the Father's. How can such a prayer that is said from the heart be deemed "unsuccessful?"

He also talked about how the disciples prayed for people and didn't really ever ask "if Thy will be done," but prayed with confidence. How do we gain this confidence to pray with? I know that there are times when I don't see my prayers answered as I ask. How do I pray with confidence and still know that it might not happen?

At our pre-intern retreat, this was a topic of great discussion. Our professor enlightened us a bit and helped us along. He explained that prayer is also often about getting to know God better, in that we start seeing that He is going to answer our prayers, but that prayer might not be answered in the same way that we expect. We look for the results that we had in mind. He might do what we ask, but in a different way. So we get to know our Father better and learn how to see what He is doing amidst our prayers.

It's disheartening sometimes to think that prayer isn't changing God. It awful, I know, but it's true. I think, why should I pray if God is taking care of it anyway? God wants us to spend time with Him! God wants an opportunity to speak to us and open our hearts and ears to Him.

The struggle I have, however, lies in intercessory prayer. What's the purpose of this? How does it work? I mean, I love knowing that people are praying for me and I enjoy praying for others. In the Bible, intercessory prayer was used. It just seems like it doesn't add up to me, though, because I think about how prayer is supposed to be changing our hearts as we pray. So why pray for others? Are we praying for their hearts to be changed? They're not doing the praying though and God is going to be changing them regardless of our prayers. I don't know.

Prayer is just such a crazy concept for me to try to latch on to. I love it and at the same time, the more I get into prayer and learn from it, the more mindboggling and frustrating it can be because I don't understand how it works, how to "do it correctly" necessarily, and what the purpose is.

Those are my thoughts. I'm open to yours.

Spring Break & Such

It's been ages since I've wrote on this thing. The reason for this is definitely not because of a lack of theological/faith thoughts, but because I hardly have had time to breathe, let alone write on a personal blog. Whenever I've thought about it, it just seemed like another "thing" that I "need" to do.

But...I'm on spring break. It's been nice, but I still have a lot to catch up on as far as homework and such goes. I've got to spend time with some people and not worry about running around so much. I think that this lack of writing on this blog is proof of my need to simplify and slow down. It's something I'm working on.

I just had a meeting with my supervisor from the church I'm doing fieldwork at. Our talks are always great and challenging. They leave me with many things to think about and mull over.
Today's mulling consists of:
-How does a ministry continue to challenge the students that are really digging into the Word and need something deeper, but still be able to reach out to those who are new to faith?
-How does a ministry create programming and a message that is rooted in Scripture and doctrinally sound, but still relevant to youth? How do we make doctrine come alive and be something that hits students where they are?
-How do we challenge youth in their faith and still fill them with the grace of the Gospel?

It was a good chat. If you have insights, let me know. :)

In other things:
-I attended a pre-intern retreat a couple weeks ago. It was incredible and I learned and experienced a lot of new things. I especially had different experiences and thoughts about prayer. That's another post for another day.
-It's been great hearing the stories of the senior youth during lent. They get to share their testimonies and it's been great to learn from them and hear how God is working on them.
-God cares about people. Think on that. It's good stuff.
-Love. In general...I'm in awe of it. Asking God to help me love people (especially those I don't want to) has been amazing and humbling.
-Simplicity--I'm cleaning out my closets and hopefully getting rid of stuff. The world can so easily clutter our lives and cloud our minds. The less attached I am to "stuff" the more focused I can be on God. This is something cool I'm exploring.
-I bought a journal yesterday. It's something I've wanted to do for awhile. I'm going to carry it with me to write down things that God is teaching me, how I see Him moving, and things/people to pray for. This is exciting!
-Being in the Word.....I want it, but I'm struggling.

Welcome to the inside of my brain. :) Also, today I said goodbye to the Topaz, my faithful car for the last few years. So long Topaz...you will be missed.