Getting outta here soon...

I should be packing right now...or cleaning the kitchen.

I'm flying out in the morning to go home for a week. :)

My bag is sitting at my feet...a couple of pairs of shoes next to me. I'm trying to figure out if I have room to pack both black and brown color schemes.

Rob Bell is talking in the background. I'm going to have to rewatch "luggage." It's one of the 18 Nooma videos I got with my fatty gift card from Amazon.com.

Laundry is tossing about. The windows are open and the cool breeze feels a little chilly, but kinda nice. I'm wondering how my body is going to receive the cold air of the midwest.

I went to the Women of Faith conference over the weekend. It was really good. I got some really cool key concepts to mull over in my head and heart. I also go to see Nicole C. Mullen and Mandesa. They were both amazing.

Worship at church on Sunday was just soo good for some reason. Like, I just felt really into it and it was nice to leave really feeling uplifted and rejuvenated. Sunday night we had our Thanksgiving meal with the youth group. I was so impressed at all of them bringing food. We had such a good time with it.

I hope I have everything together for the week that I'm gone. Like, that I didn't forget anything. I'm really excited to get home and see family and friends. :) See what the rents think of my newest hairdo and be able to spend some quality time with people.

I'm getting to the point that I don't really care if I leave my place clean...my mom said she couldn't imagine me having a messy apartment. :) Haha.

tired...but more to say than I thought...

I’m really tired.

But a good tired. A tired like I’ve been doing things that are productive all day.

Work has been kind of all over the place lately. I’m pretty busy around church and there’s some stress that’s on me just because there’s a lot to do and think about. But it’s good.

I feel kinda silly because I feel like I should update my blog, but really, there’s not a whole lot of exciting things to share. I’m going home for Thanksgiving next week, so that’s exciting. I also am going to the Women of Faith conference this weekend and I’m pretty jazzed about that. I’ve heard so many great things about it and Nicole C. Mullen is going to be there. :)

I’ve been having some financial stress lately…I know lots of people have, so I’m trying to just suck it up, but still. Being an adult is a lot more difficult in that area than I thought. I hate being so responsible for paying bills, balancing a budget, etc, etc. Not my fav.

I really need to make some friends here. I’ve spent several evenings in a row at home by myself and it’s starting to wear on me. Either I’m here by myself or I’m with little kids. Tonight was nice though..we went out for Tammy’s birthday, so it was cool to hang out with the people from the office outside of the office.

I’m excited to head home and reconnect with some people there.

I’ve had a weird realization this past week. I’m virtually alone and independent. In all reality, I could do whatever I want with my life. There’s nothing stopping me from moving to another country, or starting a band, or working at Starbucks. There’s not really any limitations on what is to come after college. And as of right now, I only have to worry about taking care of me, which makes my life quite flexible and open to options and opportunities. We’ll see what God brings my way. I really have no idea.

In other news….I’ve wanted to free write, write poetry, and especially write songs lately….but there’s nothing there. I don’t really ever remember having such a block. Sigh. I hope it goes away. I want to be creative over Thanksgiving break. I think I’m going to take my guitar home, even if it costs a little extra.

I’m really actually quite happy right now. I’ve been asking God for His joy lately and it is becoming my strength. I’m tried of just being stressed and complaining about what I have to do. He is my joy. This comes to a bit of a surprise to me at the moment because I’m really lonesome for my friends, but God is sustaining me.

I heard a message on K-Love tonight on the way home about God’s timing. Boy, I’m trying to be patient and open to what He has going on. I’m having a hard time not being in control, but God is faithful.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.."

After a week and weekend that I questioned this whole "being in ministry" thing, I had a really great conversation today.

My pastor asked how "discerning my call" was going. I responded with a flat, "I don't know." I'm sure he was annoyed by that. It's my answer to a lot of his questions. It just takes me a bit to think and respond. But with this question, I truly don't know. I've thought about it a lot, too. I'm just at a loss at this point.

I told him that I always thought I'd be in youth ministry hanging out with kids. It's my emphasis...whatever that means. After being here, I just don't see it as what I'll end up doing. He expected that. I love them and all...and I even like doing that, but I don't think it's the thing. Then, I wasn't really prepared for what he had to say. He told me, "Shelly, you can really do anything that you want to, which is really pretty incredible. It's just a matter of you discerning the call that God has place on your heart."

Ugh. In one light, I was so encouraged. Like, to know that this ministry thing is really something that I'm meant to be in...I can't say how gratifying that is. However, to know that this whole field is open wide, is kind of unnerving.

It's like being in a small boat on the ocean. What an adventure! You can see so many things, have big adventures, go anywhere. But then you realize...HOLY CRAP! It's the ocean!! I could be swallowed up at any moment, tossed by a wave, thrown to the sharks! There's this huge sense of unknown. My innate need to control goes ballistic.

Then I think back only a few years ago. I ended up living in a van. Going to a different place almost everyday with people that I'd met only months before. We never knew where our next meal would be, what it would be, if we'd even have a bed to sleep in, or be in a safe place. Everything was so out of my control. Everything. But for some reason, it didn't matter. God is faithful and always provided for us. It wasn't until about month 8, that this realization came over me as we traveled to yet another church. Even then, it didn't worry me. God had proved Himself so faithful all of those other months that He will lead and He will provide.

The door is wide open.

My heart aches for Africa and serving overseas for an amount of time. I can't help but think that there's no good reason why I shouldn't move there for some amount of time and actually physically help people. There are so many orphans and hurting people--we know about it. What reason do I have not to? It's so heavy on my heart. My passion has always been music and there's nothing like leading people in worship. Time melts away, the world is right, and it's just peace. It just is. There's people. I love people. :) Ministry is about people...so okay, in some way, shape, or form that will be covered. I like teaching too, I think. I could see campus ministry creeping into the picture as well. The world is my playground. And God...while You are preparing whatever it is You have for my future, if You could some how put missions in Africa, traveling music ministry, worship leading, and having a family all into one, that'd be really amazing. Thanks!

What's on my heart? That's so difficult to say what's truly on my heart. I've spent so long disconnecting myself from those messages of my heart. Now, knowing that it's the only thing that makes sense...I'm trying so hard to reconnect and actually listen to it. To feel. To know what my passions and dreams are. To know that it's okay to love and be loved. It's all so intense and new though. Just like me and my life...always unfolding.

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. :) Good thing I don't have to decide tonight.

Sunday, bloody Sunday.

Another Sunday come and gone.

It was a very good one though! :) Worship went well.
I got to take a nap.
Core and youth group went pretty quickly.

The weekend was really good. I got my sassy new haircut/color on Friday and that's been exciting! Friday night was spent at a high school football game with a mom of a youth (we had to sit far enough away from the youth as not to embarrass them... haha..I'm already losing cool points). Afterward the kids came over to her house and I spent the evening hearing hilarious stories from my youth. The rest of the night was spent discussing ministry with my friend. She's really trying to push and challenge me. I really appreciate that. This week has been such a draining one. I know that I need to take steps to make sure that doesn't become the norm, but sometimes my coping mechanism is to vent. I need to get it out and then I'll be okay. If it's really intense, then I'll take further steps. I think I don't really have people to vent to except for those who try to fix it or it's their job to challenge me to grow in that area. I just want to have someone that nods. Haha. And a little empathy.

In this, I learned a lesson about myself. I could definitely do less advice giving and more of simply listening.

I got to have some nice down time on Saturday morning and spent the afternoon with Si. We walked around...pretty much our norm. Lunch and walk about. Haha. Occasionally ice cream. He got recognized by a little girl and her mom as "Prince Charming." How cute! I died laughing. :)

Last night I watched "Definitely, Maybe." I couldn't believe how much I liked it. It was such a cool way to tell a story in a movie. I was totally sucked in. Then I caught myself assigning people that I know to the different characters in the movie. I feel like I identified with April..in several ways. I know lots of Will's and Emily's. I'm not really sure about Summer, though. I'll have to think about it more. I genuinely felt for Will.. Oh man. I just really liked this movie. It took place in New York too. That's always a plus.

So my mom is coming out to visit in December (after Christmas). I'm really, really pumped about that! I wish my dad were coming too...but whatev. It'll be nice to have some "mom time." And I get the feeling it might be better off just having her out here. What can you do?

There was a crazy weird dust storm today! I woke up from a nap to howling wind. Then I heard a loud sound on the roof tops. It was RAINING! I couldn't believe it! It was only for a few minutes and it stopped, but rain nonetheless. After that, a big dust storm rolled in. I was sitting in my office watching trees and building disappear behind the wall of dust. People were saying that they'd never seen a "cold" dust storm before. They're usually during monsoons in the summer. It was bizarre. I hate the smell of dust that gets caught in your nose and how it just blankets everything. I just cleaned my patio and my car needs a bath. Other than that, the weather has been lovely.

In other news...I've joined a small group at Camber and am looking at taking some community courses like a dance class or photography. We'll see. It could be cool..and maybe some potential for new friends.

I need sleep. G'night! Blessings on your week!

Fill my cup and let it overflow....

Phew. I'm kinda weary.

There seems to be so much going on in the lives of people around me. I've been busy with stuff at church, but also busy with the Church. There's so many people that are hurting, struggling, dealing with things they shouldn't have to, and just in need of care.

My heart is heavy with the burdens of many. There are so many who need prayer and support. I love being able to be that.

However, I'm finding it to be true, that I, too, need to find a support system. It's even more important whilst I'm trying to minister to the hurting, to make sure that I'm being ministered to and filled up. It's so difficult though.

While Kevin was here, we talked quite a bit about setting boundaries as well as making more connections outside of the church community. Well, both of those things are contributing to the fatigue that I'm beginning to feel. I need to make sure I'm not taking on too much, but not just that, also making sure that I'm being filled up and supported.

It's shalom. Ever since I worked at a camp with that name, I've embraced the concept. When we think of the Hebrew word, shalom or peace, I think we often think of a lack of unrest. We think there is nothing wrong. But "shalom" takes it a step further. It also means wholeness. Not only is there an absence of all things that are wrong, hurtful, bad, and of the evil one, but it means that all is complete, filled, and satisfied. It means that all is "very good" and that life is "to the full." It's not those "eh" days where nothing is bad, but nothing is really that great either.

I'm praying for shalom. That being lonely, over committed, and stressed would cease to exist, while God would place encouraging friends in my life, time to be enjoyed, and joy in simply serving Him.

So I my plea is another Hebrew word. Hosanna.

Working Saturday

This week has flown by!

I wrote an entry last night that contained highlights from the week, but my computer decided to hate me and a lost it. I was too defeated to try again.

Today, however, I must catch up on some work that should've been done awhile ago and that I can have ready for Kevin to come tomorrow! I'm excited for him to visit and check out the church and everything! :)

Well, maybe if I get stuff done today, I'll redo my "recap of my week."