After a week and weekend that I questioned this whole "being in ministry" thing, I had a really great conversation today.
My pastor asked how "discerning my call" was going. I responded with a flat, "I don't know." I'm sure he was annoyed by that. It's my answer to a lot of his questions. It just takes me a bit to think and respond. But with this question, I truly don't know. I've thought about it a lot, too. I'm just at a loss at this point.
I told him that I always thought I'd be in youth ministry hanging out with kids. It's my emphasis...whatever that means. After being here, I just don't see it as what I'll end up doing. He expected that. I love them and all...and I even like doing that, but I don't think it's the thing. Then, I wasn't really prepared for what he had to say. He told me, "Shelly, you can really do anything that you want to, which is really pretty incredible. It's just a matter of you discerning the call that God has place on your heart."
Ugh. In one light, I was so encouraged. Like, to know that this ministry thing is really something that I'm meant to be in...I can't say how gratifying that is. However, to know that this whole field is open wide, is kind of unnerving.
It's like being in a small boat on the ocean. What an adventure! You can see so many things, have big adventures, go anywhere. But then you realize...HOLY CRAP! It's the ocean!! I could be swallowed up at any moment, tossed by a wave, thrown to the sharks! There's this huge sense of unknown. My innate need to control goes ballistic.
Then I think back only a few years ago. I ended up living in a van. Going to a different place almost everyday with people that I'd met only months before. We never knew where our next meal would be, what it would be, if we'd even have a bed to sleep in, or be in a safe place. Everything was so out of my control. Everything. But for some reason, it didn't matter. God is faithful and always provided for us. It wasn't until about month 8, that this realization came over me as we traveled to yet another church. Even then, it didn't worry me. God had proved Himself so faithful all of those other months that He will lead and He will provide.
The door is wide open.
My heart aches for Africa and serving overseas for an amount of time. I can't help but think that there's no good reason why I shouldn't move there for some amount of time and actually physically help people. There are so many orphans and hurting people--we know about it. What reason do I have not to? It's so heavy on my heart. My passion has always been music and there's nothing like leading people in worship. Time melts away, the world is right, and it's just peace. It just is. There's people. I love people. :) Ministry is about people...so okay, in some way, shape, or form that will be covered. I like teaching too, I think. I could see campus ministry creeping into the picture as well. The world is my playground. And God...while You are preparing whatever it is You have for my future, if You could some how put missions in Africa, traveling music ministry, worship leading, and having a family all into one, that'd be really amazing. Thanks!
What's on my heart? That's so difficult to say what's truly on my heart. I've spent so long disconnecting myself from those messages of my heart. Now, knowing that it's the only thing that makes sense...I'm trying so hard to reconnect and actually listen to it. To feel. To know what my passions and dreams are. To know that it's okay to love and be loved. It's all so intense and new though. Just like me and my life...always unfolding.
I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. :) Good thing I don't have to decide tonight.
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