I'm back from Minnesota.
So many things are swirling in my mind. I must admit that I wondered what would happen if I just chose not to get back on that airplane. I had such a great trip. It's not to say that I was dreading returning to my life in Arizona because I most certainly enjoy my life here, but it was hard to say goodbye to St. Paul.
I was so blessed by conversations this past week. I had so many cups of coffee with people and it proved to be incredibly therapeutic and reviving to my spirit. I went to new levels of conversation with a few friends and just delighted and reveled in it. Others challenged me and had impressive insight to my current life. Others still put value in what I think and feel about church things and wanted to pick my brain to get input. It was such an amazing range of conversations and I'm not sure that I recall having felt so valued, loved, and respected as a professional, friend, and person.
Another thing that has blessed me this past week...
God showed me in such bold and obvious ways how several of my friends have just blossomed and grown in the past 6 or 8 months. I have some freaking amazing friends, folks. I can't even tell you. These people are ministry gurus, insightful minds, caring hearts, thoughtful characters, challenging students, and talented professionals. And most are a combination of the aforementioned qualities!! It's like when you haven't seen a little child for a long amount of time and you see them again and can't believe how tall they are! I couldn't believe how much so many of my friends have grown as people and even though I've been far away, I have grown in depth of relationship with them. Very cool.
I went snowtubing this week. I got snow burn. Yes, it is possible. And it hurts.
Something that challenged me this past week...
I had a very long conversation with a middle aged millionaire man on one of the airplane rides. He was (and I would assume still is) an atheist. He didn't come out and say it directly but he said that he renounced religions of all kinds. I just pray that God blessed and used that conversation. It was a challenging on for me in that he kept poking at Christianity and tried to really dig in at me, but I didn't let him. He mentioned how he couldn't stand pious religious know-it-alls and I think he was surprised when I agreed. He said he couldn't ever appreciate an organization that would deny people entrance for not being perfect. I said that I agreed and that I would never make it in to a club like that. He informed me that I would never have much money in "my line of work" and when I shared my heart for helping people in Africa, he informed me I wouldn't help much since I didn't have any money. He also informed me that he could still love people who are poor and not give them money or feel bad about having money. We talked for 3 hours. He couldn't understand how people who claim to follow the most peaceful and forgiving man that ever walked the earth could be so evil, selfish, and intolerant. I told him about Blue Like Jazz when a group of Christians at a predominately agnostic university decided to set up a confession booth but instead of hearing the confessions, the Christians were giving them. He was intrigued. I pray God works in Matt's life in a huge way.
I was prodded to question some things this week...
Where is the church heading and how are those changes going to affect me in a leadership position? How does ministry change and what does that mean for the LCMS and Church at large? What does it mean to love people? To serve others, I must make certain that am being served--a sick doctor cannot heal. What does it mean to be a woman of God? What does my future look like--what are some possibilities? Many of my friends are married or are getting to that point...what a transformation in them! How have I grown in the past 6 months? What do I need to be intentional about working on? How could I have lost such sight of my passion for people in ministry? Day to day tasks can take over. (so many people asked..)How is living alone?? It's been good to reflect on how much I've grown in that experience. How has God gifted me and where can those gifts be best utilized in His Kingdom? How do we overcome the wounds of our childhood that continue to surface? How is it going to be when I leave CSP for good? What's it going to be like to leave friends behind and not see anyone for extremely long periods of time? How am I going to handle really being on my own outside of this trial run? Lots of questions.
My flight home was completely the opposite of my flight to MN as I conversed with Matt. I tried to sleep on my flight home. My heart was aching and overwhelmed with loss. The flight attendant came over the speaker and informed everyone they could use their electronics. I turned on my iPod, knowing that the battery was low. It would end up dying later, but for awhile it served as some comfort in some way. Blast loud music in my ears has always been therapuetic to me. Something about music being so loud that it blasts out the thoughts and emotions that are overtaking my mind. I closed my eyes as the familiar tune to Say by John Mayer began. I almost cried. It was the same song that I listened to on my flight from Amsterdam back to the Cities by myself after I'd said goodbye to everyone there and knew I wouldn't see them for a long time.
I remember hurting a whole lot then. I recalled what I was feeling at that point and remembered that I felt like there was so much left unsaid with several people. That they didn't know how I felt about them. That I wasn't honest and real with them. That I had failed our friendships with silence.
This time, however, as John sang, I felt peace. It sounds corny, I know, but I said what I needed to say. I felt good about how I left everyone. I didn't feel like anything was held back, that I was myself, that I was real. For one of the first times in my life, I felt like people were seeing me for me and it was sooo good. It didn't make me feel completely better, but I found peace in how things were left with friends. My heart still ached to be with them, but I knew that all was well and if nothing else, I'd see them in heaven (hopefully significantly sooner though).
Josiah greeted me at the airport curb. With a hug and a half smile he said, "it's so good to see you, but I know how you feel." He was right. I wasn't thrilled about being away from so many of my loves once again. I'm blessed, though, to have him here. I'm so blessed by my church and internship experience here. I'm so blessed both here and far. I'm sooo soo blessed.
I pray that God would continue to remind me how blessed I am when I get crabby. And that when things do seem grim later on, that he reminds me that "God is." In the midst of chaos, God is. He is peace, joy, sovereignty, love, power, control, constant, comfort, forever. God is. Psalm 46:1-2 was our reflecting passage for the DCE retreat and this is the phrase I'm clinging to. The first two words...in the midst of a swirling mind, sometimes that's all I need to know.
No comments:
Post a Comment